So, I kind of felt like reflecting on my year briefly because, in short it has been nothing less than monumental in setting the course my life is going to take. I'll be brief with my background because many of you already know it to some degree, but I've known I was female for a long time, and I hid it. I was afraid of what my friends and family would think. I repressed it as best I could, and I did a damn good job. It would come to the surface every now and then, but for the most part I was able to keep it under control. The major drawbacks were the fact that the feelings seemed more and more powerful each time it came up, to the point that two years ago, I nearly came out with all of this and started things up. I backed out. Every year was rather bleak and unremarkable. Each time New Years came around I would swear to myself that I wasn't going to have another forgettable year, but I inevitably would. I was living for everybody else because I didn't think that I could ever be happy, and I didn't want my life to become a complete waste. Summer, this year: I honestly didn't know what was coming later this year, but in June or July, I remember sitting down with my BFF and her boyfriend and telling them with certainty that this was going to be MY YEAR. I honestly had no idea what I was talking about at the time :lol: but I was certain. In my mind I think I was thinking about getting things like my finances in better order, taking better care of myself ect... I honestly had no idea what was coming up around the corner. Halloween: A good friend of mine and his boyfriend invited me to a Halloween costume party at a local gay bar. This is really what pushed me forward. It's funny to think that this friend and I were speaking like once a year, if that. I happened to text him and see if he wanted to get together. He wanted me to meet his boyfriend (Awesome guy by the way ) so we did. If I hadn't gotten in touch with him, everything that happened after this might have never happened. He invited me to the party, and I started thinking about going as female. Once that thought occurred to me, there was no going back. Everything came back to the surface, more powerfully than it had in my entire life, and I knew that I had to do something. I considered canceling on them. I very nearly did. For some reason I didn't. Not cancelling, deciding to go as female, and letting those feelings out changed everything. I found this site around a month before the party, shortly after they asked me to go and started really dealing with this. I realized it was then or never. If I pushed it back down then, I knew I was never going to let it back out, even if it killed me. I contacted my therapist about that time and my life turned upside down. (In a good way ) Fall/Winter: As soon as I fully accepted this about myself, I pushed forward with vigor and enthusiasm. My therapist has often mentioned that few of her patients (She deals mainly with gender and most of her patients are Trans to some degree) have worked so hard to move forward once they've accepted their gender identity. My original plan was to tell my closest friends, and then start telling my family after the holidays, and be out to them all by July. I had no plan whatsoever for dealing with the people I work with. Now, two and a half months later, I'm out to all of my friends and pretty much my entire family. I'm even pretty much out at work, and January 1st I'm outing myself on Facebook. I present as female often to several of my family members and most of my friends, and I even go out in general public as female a fair amount. My voice, well far from perfect, is getting there. The best part is that I'm just a few short weeks away from getting my letter of recommendation to see an Endocrinologist and begin Hormone Replacement Therapy. She has to see me for an official 3 months, but has already stated that, while it's my decision and she doesn't want me to feel pressured, she's already comfortable writing that letter once the day comes. It's funny how things can change. In January I was miserable, certain that I would never be happy. Twelve months later everything is different! I'm filled with hope for the future for the first time in my life and I've gone from relatively indifferent toward my life in general to genuinely wanting to live. Even though I haven't started HRT yet, I'm actually kind of happy with my life. Knowing that I've finally taken those first difficult steps and that I'm firmly on my path has completely changed my outlook on life. I know its going to be a difficult path at times, but I'm ready to face those challenges. I've found confidence and strength in reserves that I didn't even know existed. More than any Christmas presents this year though, I'm celebrating the fact that throughout the coming out process, I haven't lost anybody. They all know what I intend to do and they all support me. They've all commented on the noticeable positive changes in my attitude and demeanor too. This has been the best, most productive year of my life and next year is setting up to be even better. If you read all of this, I'm sorry you had to sit through it, but I thank you. I just thought I'd share how quickly things can turn around if you're willing to take the risks and be true to yourself
