Gender Dynamics in Lesbian Relationships

This is very normal. Every relationship I've been in I took the female role. It's just my preference. I don't think she wants you to change how you look, but I do think she may prefer you to take on the dominant role. If this is not something you're ok with, then you should talk to her about it. Some relationships don't have a gender role.

Every woman I've dated looks like a woman. I'm not interested in hardcore butch females. Short hair is fine, but I want to date a woman who enjoys being a woman. I do not like for my partner to wear frilly pink crap, though. >_> I'm more drawn to a laid back style.

But I still prefer to take on the female role and my partner to take the masculine role. It's just in my nature to be passive with a woman. I feel comfortable knowing that the woman I'm with is able to pursue things. I prefer her to be more in charge of a situation. Not because I'm lazy, but because I trust her. It's about respect and preference with me.

 

Every relationship is unique for my opinion... of cause we prefer some patterns but it doesn't mean that next your relations would be the same! so a lot is depend on your partner and You need to talk to each another...
for example I like my freedom and need my space, and I don't like when my partner expect some "role's" actions from me...

 

I had a very similar situation, she was also younger than me though so I'm not sure if that was part of it. I ended up calling it off, other things weren't quite right either though. I'm really intrigued by this post though, do you think it could be something that someone could change? Or do you think some people will always need to be in that kind of role in a relationship? I've always just had things quite equal, one of us taking the lead with some things but changing for others. I'm not sure how I'd handle a more 'role' taking relationship.
Just out of curiousity, anthemic, would you call off a relationship if she didn't feel comfortable taking that kind of role? Or is it more flexible than that?

---------- Post added 26th Dec 2012 at 10:47 PM ----------

Just reread my post and wanted to clarify, I don't mean any disrespect to those who do prefer that kind of relationship. More, just wouldn't want to lose out on a great girl because I didn't fit that, so I'm genuinely curious as to how it tends to work.

 

I like this thread too! Dutchpie, I am very similar to you, and I like femmes or someone in-between. But specifically, I don't care for "high femme" because I want to avoid this kind of situation - I'm glad we're talking about it because it might happen to me someday anyway. I don't like roles, I want to be equals in a relationship. Part of the thing I am attracted to is being able to be flexible, aggressive or passive at different times, emotional or stoic, and not always forced into being the same one-dimensional person - which I am not. I am more complex than that and I want a partner who is too.

I am guessing, although you didn't say, that this dynamic also plays itself out in the bedroom, as well as in being the one to pay, etc. I personally would be turned off by that - I want to be wanted too! I would love to be into someone and have them be into me just as much, for both of us to invest equally and share in the responsibilities equally. I did not accept gender roles in my marriage to a man, and I found that pretty sexy that he was cool with it - and now that I will be with women exclusively I'm not suddenly looking to be all 1950s after I already successfully dodged that bullet with men.

Some people find this sexy, they like to always be pursued or always be the pursuer, and that's cool for those who are attracted to it. But I don't care for the way som people are into it because they think it is just "how things are supposed to be, there has to be a man and a woman" nor do I care for the few "high femme" types I have noticed do this only because they are lazy and don't want to do any work in the relationship. I know straight girls who do the same thing, they want someone to pay for them and protect them and be daddy or mommy to them, and I'm not cool with that.

But she doesn't sound that bad from what you said, so I don't mean your girl when I say that, that's just how some people do it. I think you need to talk about it, and if that is non-negotiable for her, decide if you want to change to be what she wants. I personally don't want to have to change myself to be with someone, and I personally feel very strongly about the issue - perhaps you don't, and just feel weird because this is new for you. Nowadays there are more people who won't care for this behavior than people who do, both straight men and gay women want to be pursued sometimes, want sometimes not to be the one who initiates sex, or who has to make all the money or be the strong one all the time. And she knew when she met you you were not hyper butch, so she should realize that your personality is not going to change to fit what she went out with before. Maybe she needs a change, since those relationships did not work out for her, who knows? If you talk about it, you'll find out what she's open to...

Hope you'll keep us posted, this is a tricky but I think very relevant topic for lesbians!

 

Well, I would much rather be with someone who prefers to be at least a bit more dominant than me. It's always been that way, and that's what I'm comfortable with. I actually tried being in a relationship with someone who did not want to see things that way, and she ended up being very passive, which was a complete turn-off for me. But yes, things can be a lot more flexible in the relationship. For example, I would like to pay for dinner every once in a while. I would prefer to pay for my own phone bill, hold a job, and pay the equal amount of a house payment. That's just common courtesy.

What...? See, I never did this by choice. In my relationships it was always an equal thing when it came to making the calls and texting. I'll admit, I did wait on my girlfriend (at the time) to call me, but only because she held a full-time job and lived with a highly conservative family that had no idea she was dating a girl. But I always texted her whenever I got the chance. I never waited on her to make the first move in that aspect. I like to pursue my partner in some things. The only time I truly waited for her to make the first move is when we first started dating. I was very nervous because, even though I'm extremely outgoing, I'm very shy when it comes to making the first move. Plus, being with someone who has the confidence to pursue and take control is a huge turn-on. ;D

Ok, I'll admit, I do this. Sometimes I will make hints that I am interested in someone, but it's very rare because I have a huge fear of rejection. However, I have never asked anyone out. And I probably never will, no matter how interested I am.

 

hmm. this is definitely an interesting topic. i am very feminine-looking (though not so much feminine-acting) and my partner is very masculine-looking. although she often likes to say she's "the man" in our relationship, we are pretty equal on most of the factors discussed above. who texts who is usually governed by who wakes up first, or who might be asleep after working a 24-hour shift. if anything, i'm the one who asks about weekend plans (am i going to her place? is she coming to mine? fri night or saturday morning?) because i'm a "planner" and like to know, where she is content to assume we will spend the weekend together and doesn't really have a pressing need to know the details beforehand. we are both professionals (i'm a lawyer, she's a doctor) and expect we'll both keep working. she likes to be the one to pay when we go out to eat, so she does pay more often than i do, but then i pay for things like concert tickets, hotels and other travel expenses, and other bigger-ticket items. i think being "the man" to her is more of an attitude of feeling protective of me, but in a sweet (not chauvinistic) way.

 

My girlfriend and I could both be labled as 'femme' if we were to be categorized by our looks. Naturally women are more submissive and, so most wait for the other person to make a move. Naturally men are more dominant and this is where the "gender rolls" come into play. I don't think it has to do with gender rolls, but more so persona preferences. I have more of a dominant/initiative personality than her, but essentially we both have the same relationship dynamics. We don't expect one another to behave outside of our normal persona, because than we wouldn't be ourselves. If your girlfriend expects you to act in ways which you aren't accustomed to than you're not being yourself. Maybe she should find somebody who fits her needs better.

 

I don't think that women as a whole are naturally submissive or that men as a whole are naturally dominant. But we do condition men and women (and boys and girls) to behave this way. Women who are more assertive tend to get labeled "bitches," while men who are more passive get told they aren't real men.

 

This is how it was with my last relationship. I was a lot more femme than the woman I was with. She liked to pay for every meal when we went out to eat. But the problem about it was that she never let me pay for one. She paid for everything. I would actually beg her to let me pay and she refused. She actually got upset with me several times because I kept asking. I'll admit, I did like how protective she was over me, but gosh darn it I like to spoil my lady too. D:

 

my partner definitely isn't that extreme; that would bother me, too. she won't protest if i grab the check, she'll just say thank you and maybe make a joke about how i'm the man tonight. i've also discovered that she doesn't have any problems accepting for-no-reason gifts, so i often buy her things i know she needs or wants but won't spend the money on herself. it works pretty well for us, i think.

 

You and your partner seem to have a really healthy relationship. I'm happy for you.
My ex didn't mind me buying her gifts. It would be rude to be upset with me for doing something nice at an unexpected moment. She actually enjoyed getting things from me because it let her know that I was thinking of her. But she had a problem with me wanting to pay for dinner, gas, or a phone bill. I have no idea why.

 

I had a weird thing happen. My ex was very butch (now identifies as trans like me) and she was always dressed in masculine clothes and acted like a guy. At the time I was very girly and wouldve been described as femme. But the dynamic was a bit weird. I always had to initiate everything, I did the majority of the talking on dates... I felt like I was leading the relationship as a femme and she was being the more submissive one. I still cant explain it!

 

Haha, this is actually a nifty subject for my girlfriend and me. We have been discussing this thing about who is supposed to wear the pants, and I do recommend that you actually talk with your girlfriend about it.

My girlfriend and me are both feminine girls, though she wears less make up, and dresses more "butch", I guess. I would call her very soft butch, because despite her clothing she`s got long hair and nails, and acts mostly feminine. I am very feminine in looks, but I can act more butch in the sense that I`ll give compliments, I`ll tell her how pretty and attractive she is, I like to do stuff for her. I like to take responsibility for the romantic things. However, she buys me flowers, and like to pay for meals. I ended up cooking for her, even when she was supposed to do it, but I am the one who cannot take hints at all (which is kind of masculine)! And though she acts more butch in some ways, she has the typical feminine insecurity (or what I feel is a typical femine insecurity) about the relationship, about how I feel about her, about etc, etc, etc. If I don`t call her, she thinks I want to break up with her! So the gender role thing is really confusing for us, since we are both so gender-balanced people with both a healthy masculine side, and a healthy feminine side. But we have joked abut it, and we`ve agreed to take turns a little, so that one doesn`t have to wear the pants, pay meals and buy flowers all the time. She has also become a lot better at giving frequent compliments. Apparently I have infected her with that. And I refuse to let her pay for the meals more than every second time.

So, I think gender roles with lesbians variates, I don`t think there are general rules that always applies. But if you have a talk with your girl-friend, you`ll get a more two-dimentional perspective. Ask her what she prefers, what kind of role she wants from you

 

Oh, I so want to be with a doctor! Sorry, this is off-topic, but I'm a professor and I have this serious medical fascination since I couldn't be one myself, so I have this fantasy that I'll get to work out all my curiosity about the profession by falling in love with a doctor... nerd dreams... So if you could just indulge me because I love this thread, but I just want a quick sidebar - what are the drawbacks, so I can stop fantasizing about something I may not like in reality?

And, your relationship sounds like a really good balance. If you don't mind my asking, what age range are the two of you, since you are both professionals I wonder if experience has led to a more comfortable balance?

---------- Post added 27th Dec 2012 at 12:05 PM ----------

This sounds very much like what I expect my relationship to be with a woman. I like that it's pretty equal!

But I have to admit, the thought of being with someone who is insecure and might worry that I'm cheating or that I'm not into her kind of freaks me out - my marriage was with a man who was very independent, so the idea that someone might actually care and feel insecure about my feelings is so different it feels scary. I kind of don't know how I would handle that. I know that if it got extreme it would be exhausting, but if it was just once in a while a little worry, that would be ok but... well, I guess it would be weird being the one pursued, that's all. Nice, but weird. Someone caring that much about what I feel about the relationship is a little foreign, and yes, a little girly in a way... I hope I would be woman enough to handle it right!

I am a little thoughtless and clueless sometimes, great with the compliments and all, but then I'm not much of a mind reader for the type of girl who would expect me to "just know" that she's upset or something like that... I worry that will cause problems, because I prefer direct communication and a lot of other "femme" girls seem to be more indirect. I wonder if that is a problem for others?

 

It was a problem for us in the beginning, the "mind reading" thing, but I told her, very clearly, that I really want to be able to calm her, but unless she is honest and direct about how she feels, I am not going to be able to guess what she is thinking. Telling her that you "suck at taking hints, or interpreting subtle communication" can help, because then she gets that you are not doing it on purpose, that it is a problem you have that you are aware of, but can`t do anything about. At least that is how I put it. Of course a person cannot expect you to be a mind-reader, but I acted appologetic about it just the same, it got her to realize how silly it was to continue the subtle communication. Being appologetic wins more points than being accusing, every time.

A lot of femme girls tend to be indirect, perhaps, but I have experienced it being more an individual thing. I am relatively feminine, but I am completely dependent on clear communication, and I`ll give it to her straight (pun intended). My girlfriend who looks a tiny bit more butch, is naturally more of the "hint hint nudge nudge" type. Or was, but I`ve gotten her a bit out of that habit.

When it comes to her anxieties, I try to stay calm about it, and ensure her of my affections when I see that look of serious thought on her face. She has actually says that she loves how I always seem to know that she is anxious, and always make her feel calmer without her having to say anything. But that is because she always gets this serious, brooding face when she is anxious. It does not require a mind-reader at all, lol It is very cute, actually So, generall anxiety I can handle, by simply giving her a compliment, remind her how much I love her eyes, or tell her how pretty her hair is when it hangs in waves like that, whenever that serious face returns. If there`s a more specific problem, then it`s harder. Asking her if she is okay is nice, as long as you don`t do it every ten minutes, because that can get irritating, lol! Sometimes I try doing it with humor, I`ll ask her if I have done something wrong, and tell her that if I have, she is welcome to spank me a little, or a lot That tend to get her smiling too.