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Feminine lesbians and the LGBTQ scene

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012.

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  1. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    Hi all, I'm new to the forum (I've just signed up today) and I actually found it while I was searching online for whether or not feminine lesbians have problems fitting in and/or finding a feminine lesbian/bi partner. So, I saw a thread on this from AGES ago and thought I'd actually start a new one.

    I guess I'm wondering if anyone else feels like I do? Do you feel like you don't actually fit in anywhere? When I go to gay clubs where I'm from there's this implicit reaction that I'm straight so no girl approaches me and when they do they're genuinely surprised to find out that I'm a lesbian and when I'm in 'straight' clubs I find that guys come on to me and then get turned on when I tell them I'm a lesbian ("Oh yeah? Kiss your friend then, that's so hot. Would you do her? etc, etc). It's very frustrating.

    I have found that women on the scene are predominantly butch and that's great but I am simply not attracted to butch ladies. This is meant in absolutely no offense to any butch ladies out there, as we all have our own attractions.

    So, am I alone? Do tell!


    Thanks everyone.
     
    #1 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  2. sammyjane72x

    sammyjane72x
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    Oh yes I do. I am mostly femme (or femme spectrum) and seek another femme spectrum lady (allbeit probably not high femme). How do you know who's not a straight gal who hang's around with her (gay best friends, no offence men't but there are a lot of those) and who actually is open.

    Even worse there is no to little "off scene" stuff available for gay/bi women. I'm 23 and seek someone older and intellectual not to mention I like the older woman. On the whole the pub/club scene isn't really where I flourish since I like to get to know people who aree not well on the road to getting drunk.

    Anywhoo back to topic. Yes you are 100% right all the way sister
     
    #2 sammyjane72x, Dec 30, 2012
  3. AshenAngel

    AshenAngel Guest

    Yeah, I'm on the femme side of the spectrum, and I go for girls even more feminine than me. But it's harder to tell with girls like that, I end up flirting with one who turns out to be straight and embarassing myself. :bang: It's so frustrating!
     
    #3 AshenAngel, Dec 30, 2012
  4. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    I know what you mean, there's a sort of 'one scene fits all' scenario and it's not the case. I like variety!

    I like intellectual women myself, who enjoy a nice chat and are interested in current affairs and politics and basically the scene is the opposite (or so it feels like).

    Yeah of course I enjoy a good night out and drinking and having the craic but it's not ALL I like.

    I hate the term 'straight looking' but that's all I ever get told and when you're attracted to 'straight looking' girls it's impossible to decipher! Argh.

    But thanks for letting me know that I'm not on my own.

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 10:13 PM ----------
    Same. Even out in a gay club this has happened many times. When you spend all night chatting to someone and then they find out you're gay and they're like "what? I thought you were straight." and then it's all awkward because they totally know you're into them.
     
    #4 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  5. myheartincheck

    myheartincheck
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    I'd say probably a shocking majority of lesbians are Femme and attracted to other Femmes. I'm not sure if I'm femme... I'm sorta in the middle of masculine and feminine... but I'm attracted to femmes, so I know how you feel.

    Just don now your gay apparel! :wink:
     
    #5 myheartincheck, Dec 30, 2012
  6. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    So you think that more lesbians are feminine than butch? That's interesting. I have found the complete opposite.
     
    #6 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  7. Pret Allez

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    No, you're not alone at all. Actually, one of my very dear pansexual friends was complaining to me about the devaluation of femininity in the lesbian/bi women's scene. Basically, she felt that because of her feminine presentation, she was always read as straight. She also felt that butch identities and presentations were more valued.

    The queer community actually has a sadly large amount of gender presentation enforcement.
     
    #7 Pret Allez, Dec 30, 2012
  8. AshenAngel

    AshenAngel Guest

    Hell yeah! lol :icon_bigg
     
    #8 AshenAngel, Dec 30, 2012
  9. sammyjane72x

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    There could be more femme spectrum lesBIans out there but since like us most are invisible how would we know.
     
    #9 sammyjane72x, Dec 30, 2012
  10. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    I completely agree with her. I feel like I'm not a 'proper lesbian' if that makes sense, like somehow my sexuality means less because I am not physically or visually representing it. That somehow being butch is more affirming because it's easier to define by mainstream. Am I making sense? Even at Pride, I am considered to be an ally. People came up to me and were like "it's so great to see more straight people here this year" and I just stood there and agreed before telling them I was a lesbian at which point they awkwardly walked off.

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 10:21 PM ----------
    Totally true.
     
    #10 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  11. sammyjane72x

    sammyjane72x
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    arkwardly walked of, there the one's with egg on their face.
     
    #11 sammyjane72x, Dec 30, 2012
  12. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    Yup, I know. But it was like "ooohhhh so you're not straight? well I've just wasted my time here".

    I was working with an LGBTQ organization and my contact there was a beautiful woman who I assumed to be a feminine lesbian....I was wrong. She's married to a man and has a child.

    Now, THAT was awkward.
     
    #12 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  13. myheartincheck

    myheartincheck
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    I think that may be because it's easier to identify a lesbian if they're butch, while others like myself have "invisible lesbian syndrome." I only have one lesbian and one bisexual friend, but they're both femme. Of course, I've been to the gay bar a couple times for those 18+ and there are of course quite a few butch lezzies. So who knows. I can't really generalize, but I know alot of LGBTQ women have this problem as well. :slight_smile:

    Teehee. Tis the season! :icon_bigg
     
    #13 myheartincheck, Dec 30, 2012
  14. Beachboi92

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    you are a femme lesbian who doesn't get approached because people think you are straight. Chances are there are more of you in the same club. Wear a rainbow bracelet or hit on someone instead of waiting them to hit on you. Even if you just start up conversation with another girl you find attractive it may get them to figure it out.
     
    #14 Beachboi92, Dec 30, 2012
  15. sammyjane72x

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    Rainbow bracelets may help, I've allways had luck from being hit on and really am not dominant in that sense even though I know who I like (obvs)
     
    #15 sammyjane72x, Dec 30, 2012
  16. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    that's not a bad idea, thanks. I've tried to be more assertive with girls but I'm quite shy so it's hard for me. I have found myself to become the experiment of many a straight girl and it's getting a little old for me now.

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2012 at 10:37 PM ----------
    I have only a few gay friends too and they'd neither be butch nor feminine if that makes sense? Like, they wouldn't be into dresses and make up but neither into short hair etc. I hate stereotyping! but you know what I mean.

    I agree with your take on invisible lesbian syndrome.
     
    #16 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  17. wilted

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    Yeah I've had the same problem. I'm a femme that is mainly interested in other femmes. I starting wearing a rainbow bracelet to make it a bit more obvious that I'm gay. I also joined a dating a website that my lesbian friend recommended, so I guess I'll see how it goes.
     
    #17 wilted, Dec 30, 2012
  18. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    Best of luck :slight_smile:
     
    #18 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 30, 2012
  19. Anthemic

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    This is my problem too. I "look and act straight" to other people. I know "looking/acting straight" is a horrible way to put it, but that's usually how people see things, I guess since people expect lesbians to be masculine. I'm kind of in between femme and sporty; meaning I like to dress up and look nice some days, while still wearing jog pants/sweats and t-shirts other days. I'm attracted to other femme lesbians, but preferably less femme than me. I'm also attracted to androgynous women.

    I guess I'll just find a rainbow bracelet to wear, since I'm not the type to just tell people about my sexuality. Though, I'm always truthful when someone asks. But people hardly ever ask. >_>
     
    #19 Anthemic, Dec 30, 2012
  20. Gaeilgeor123

    Gaeilgeor123
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    It's something I always felt like I was alone in feeling and I'm relieved (although still frustrated) that I am not the only one. The scene in Ireland is so small and I always thought that it was because of that reason but now I know it's not.

    I am sporty too but I like make up and dresses and feel uncomfortable going out in jeans and a t-shirt so I'm usually a little too dressed up for the gay clubs. A rainbow bracelet might be worth trying. We should report back and let each other know how we get on with it :slight_smile:
     
    #20 Gaeilgeor123, Dec 31, 2012
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