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My summer Lover - fully written version

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by jutwanahaveboys, Jan 12, 2013.

  1. jutwanahaveboys

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    Please ignore the earlier thread, I accidentally posted before I finished typing and now I cant edit or delete it so i reposted it here :slight_smile: thanks.

    So this is the story of How I Came out to myself once and for all.

    I have gone through life with that voice in the back of my head blaming me for all of the same sex attractions that I have been experiencing since my earliest years. I have been too scared to look myself in the mirror, or ask myself the sexuality question. I was not able to love who I was because I had so many un answered questions. I have always kindof knew I was gay, but I have always tried to hide it from everyone, since I live in a homophobic country. It was confusing, scary, and depressing at times.

    When I was 17 I thought about going into a relationship with a girl, maybe at that time I thought that I could “straighten” myself up by doing so. I was obviously wrong and it ended dramatically. And I decided to let the whole “am I gay” thing slip by for sometime.

    Last summer just after I turned 19, I was working at a supermarket nearby when I was introduced to the guy that later became my summer lover – he was my replacement who I had to train before I leave my job in seven days. Day one went by and we barely spoke anything out of the work topics. And then day two came. I was having a conversation with my female coworker about growing up with divorced parents and how hard it was. He over heard my conversation and later brought it up when we were alone. “I kindof feel your pain you know, I went through the exact same thing” he said. Personally I was not complaining that he spoke to me at all – he was so gorgeous that I had thought about him all night the night before. He had a gorgeous body and a to die for face. Anyway, the point is he opened up to me, and we instantly became friends. Spent the entire 8 hours shift chit chatting and sharing stories. The thing that surprised me most was that through out the entire day, he never brought up anything about any ex girlfriends or anything, you know, the usual sex topics and hot women topics straight men usually talk about. Also, he was very polite. Over the next few days we would talk about so many things, but as I said, never about women. He later tells me that he was never in a relationship with another girl, never even been with one. We often would find excuses to touching each others bodies, in a casual way. I was drooling over his tbh. He also promised me he would come spend a night at my house too, since I lived alone. Although we came from completely different backgrounds, religions, and had very different cultural awareness and taste in music and other topics, we just had the same story.
    The week passed and It was time for me to leave my job. He told me that he is ganna find it really hard to continue working without me around. Although we had some very hot female co workers, he never gave them the time of day, checked them out or anything. He was different. Just like me. We said our goodbyes and I promised him that Ill keep visiting. And that was the last time we ever spoke or saw each other.
    But even though we never did anything, he became my lover, because in my mind, and every day till this day, I make love to him. I was just too scared, I didn’t dare dream anything more. It was scary, confusing, and very painful for the both of us. And still I was not sure if he was gay or not, and even if he was, he would have been to scared to even admit it to himself. I just wish I could have gave him what he needed, and make up for all of the love his parents never gave him. He lived in such a cruel environment and I wish I could have saved him. I wish I could have been his shelter. But I couldn’t, and I still blame myself for the way things ended till this day. I just cant believe how all I got were his tears when all I wanted was his body, you know?
    Ever since I met him, I came out to myself and finally accept the fact that I am gay.

    But what do you guys think? Was he gay or just different? Isnt it the same thing? What should I have done, how should have I dealt with things? A gay relation ship in my country and in my situation would mean living hell. Imagine no family, no support, no nothing, we would have been banished from our families. And at the same time he still drives me crazy everyday. I cant help but think about him all of the time. I can still get back in touch with him, but then what? Is he even ready to face his sexuality? Will he even accept himself before he accepts me?
     
  2. myheartincheck

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    I can't say if someone is gay, but that's a beautiful story!

    Here let me bump your story up!
    :slight_smile:
     
  3. jutwanahaveboys

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    Well thanks for the bump :slight_smile: Anyone has any opinions?
     
  4. leer

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    if you told him how you feel and he said he was straight do you think it would bother him?. would it ruin the friendship?. I think for allot of people that are gay have a problem similar to this wondering would it harm the friendship am not trying to put you off being honest with him . you can still keep talking to him ask him round for coffee and sort of try and find out if he`s gay, bi ,straight . hope this helps:slight_smile:
     
  5. jutwanahaveboys

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    Well you see leer, despite the fact that my country has several gay rights activists and NGO's, bars and even gay parades, homosexuality is considered illegal and may lead to imprisonment in few cases. That being said, I have a lot of GLBT Allies friends around that I have came out to, but because of the HUGE diversity in my country, as much as homosexuality is tolerated, it is rejected by most of the people.

    Since my country is under massive influence of religious figures, both Catholic/Orthodox and Muslim, Homosexuality remains a taboo, sort of. I mean it is a LOT better then our surrounding countries, whose gays usually consider us a safe gay haven, it can get a lot better, and there are tons of improvements we could work on.

    Which is why taking a risk like the one you suggested would turn my world upside down, I mean I am not ready to face the potential consequences that being outed may cause, nor financially, nor psychologically, and not even spiritually, as I am a believer in the existence of god (Born greek orthodox and later became pro Evangelical) so yea... kindof tough...
     
  6. jutwanahaveboys

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    Could really use some advice from someone more experienced - so im bumping :slight_smile:
     
  7. hello1992

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    I must admit, you wrote this beautifully.

    I cant tell you if he is gay or not, thats something which you will figure out.

    I can relate to your dilemma, my parents are muslim, but thankfully i live in London. If you really like him, or at least want to talk, then you might as well contact him again. I feel so relieved after joining EC because i had no one to talk to about being gay. Even if he is gay and you both decide it wont be best to get into a relationship, at least you can talk about it.

    Only time will tell you information about him and his sexuality. He will tell you if and when he is ready. In the meantime, why not just enjoy your friendship?
     
  8. jutwanahaveboys

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    Hello hello :slight_smile: thanks

    you know i am a writer, and i like to write a lot. but ever since i met him and had those feelings for him, he paralized me - litterally. i couldnt write anymore, sing anymore, nothing. and the fantasizing was just soo torturous- I wanted him so bad. im just not sure im ready to go back to the situation of being a kid in a candy store again- you know?