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Not being a fit in the social scene at work

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by FemCasanova, Jan 21, 2013.

  1. FemCasanova

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    Has anyone else felt that they are expected to participate socially at work, in coffee-breaks, lunch, etc, yet they don`t feel like they really belong in the conversations taking place? An example, as a lesbian female at the age of 26, I am sitting there during coffee-break with my female colleagues, and all they talk about it men, marriage, relationship issues with their husbands, their kids, etc, and I fade out, thinking God I don`t belong in this crowd. It is a bit frustrating, because I was told clearly when I began working there that they wanted everyone to be social and take part of the "community". But boy, do they have some boring conversations. Today it was male strippers. That`s their exotic conversation. And I sit there, nipping at my coffee, answering reluctantly whenever someone asks me about how my boyfriend this or that, or if I don`t feel the pressure of starting up a family soon.

    It is nerve-grating. And irritating. Like just because you are a grown woman, all you can converse about it husbands or work. Gah.

    Anyone else experiencing the same phenomena?


    :bang:
     
  2. OMGWTFBBQ

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    l'm just generally weird so even when l was dating men l wasn't part of that. Other women think l'm weird.

    l guess l'm the "funny girl", maybe not entirely for those reasons but maybe partially. l don't even try to talk about those things with other women.

    But that group of women isn't representative of all straight women anyway and IMO sounds a little odd. l guess most l've known weren't really like that. l've never had friends like that or entertained the idea of befriending air headed coworkers.

    l would try to be yourself even if ti means keeping your personal life private, you don't have to pretend to show an overwhelming interest in the things they talk about.
     
  3. Willjarvis

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    I definately don't fit in with my colleagues (well, volunteering colleages), but while I have nothing to contribute to their conversations, I find them interesting simply because it's so unlike what I'm used to. Before this, I only associated with students and it felt very limited. Now I'm around tradesmen, former construction and steel workers and a couple of guys with criminal records.
    They do talk about sport and vaginas, but not exclusively. Men talking about their "missus"'s is also new to me. Particularly when one of these ladies has smashed the windows of someone she thought was cheating on her. Or something like that, I forget the details.
    That said, I'm hardly making friends there and I think the only chance I have of seeing any of them outside there is this boy is deemed innocent at his upcoming trial, his curfew is lifted and he celebrates as he intends to. Listening to him talk about older women (like ones who don't have teeth) still amuses me, although it would probably get old itself in time.
     
  4. Brenny

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    In a way, not being able to fit in has helped me to fit in to some extent. I'm very different from everyone else my place. I don't fit in with the guys or most of their conversations at all. With the girls, I engage in all the joking and talk they share in. At the same time though, I have never been in a relationship and yet the girls all want to tell me about their situations as if I have a clue... Or they just want to take me to the mall or to go dancing. Ummm okay... Except maybe I don't feel like doing those constantly.

    The guys are a whole other thing. I don't always say much around them. We have little in common. So our "conversations" have resorted to mostly joking around and sarcasm. They tease me. I tease back. But I think the good thing is they have been stretched out of their confort zones (as have I) and we have worked (to an extent) to enjoy each other better.
     
  5. FemCasanova

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    No, I guess not, it`s probably just that kind of working place. But I do find myself wishing there was a bit more diversity there, regarding what kind of people works there. The only exception is a young guy who I am thinking might be gay. It`s just subtle hints in mannerism and clothing here and there. For some reason, call me weird, but the thought that there might be another LGBT person at my work, even if he`s not open or we don`t talk a lot (he keeps to himself), is actually a comforting thought.

    I do keep my personal life private, because although at my previous job people were very good natured, and I felt comfortable coming out to them, this crowd is a whole different story. They all seem very set in their wife status, and hubby addiction, lol. I will have to continue participating in the social activities, but I just continue doing what I have done so far. Chime in with something if god forbid I actually can say something about anything, but other than that just pretend like I am listening.

    :icon_wink

    ---------- Post added 21st Jan 2013 at 10:21 PM ----------


    "missus" talk is somewhat the same as "hubby talk" I presume, just from the male perspective, lol. Which I can guess would be just as uninteresting for a gay guy as hubby talk is for a lesbian. The smashing window story sounded exciting though, lol!

    ---------- Post added 21st Jan 2013 at 10:23 PM ----------

    At least you can joke around with them a bit, I think that might be a helping factor. And I relate to feeling different from everyone else.

    There really is such a thing as the more diversity at a work place, the better, because then the chances are higher that most can relate to someone.

    :icon_wink
     
  6. musikk021

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    I totally get what you mean; what makes it worse for me is that on top of not fitting in because of being gay, I also have to deal with my social anxiety at the same time. I don't have an actual job yet (I'm still in college), but I've been doing a long-term internship since last summer. The company's very casual and informal. A lot of their employees are young, hip, and very social, and their corporate culture is very fun and relaxed.

    I'm introverted, shy, socially anxious, and a writer...and I was placed to do writing related projects with the marketing team. These gals in marketing are all in their twenties and early thirties, they're all super feminine and good-looking, and they're really, really outgoing. They're constantly chatting, cracking jokes, playing music out loud, and they sit together at a big table while they work. I am such an outcast. Since I have social anxiety, I avoid social contact as best as I can. If I'm lucky and there's an empty cubicle when I go into the office, I just slip by the girls and work on my own. If there's no place for me to sit by myself, I'm forced to join them at their table. I just sit at the end of the table completely quiet the entire time. It's just a "hi" when I go in and a "bye" when I leave. They're talking about dating and other things in their personal lives, and I just feel so awkward sitting there, listening, but not participating. They've invited me to lunch numerous times, but I've always declined (except once).

    I always feel outcasted because of the way I dress versus the way they do. Like I said, they're all really feminine, so they come in every day with this cutesy outfit on, looking all nice...and there I am with my black jeans/khakis and a button-down shirt. A couple of the girls are really cute, so that makes me even more nervous lol. I just wish I wasn't so out of place...I don't want them to think I'm stuck-up or something for not talking. I'm just uncomfortable. Nonetheless, they've been very impressed with my work and have asked me to continue interning...though I feel that they might not actually like me as a person since I never talk. I don't know what to think...every time I have to go into the office, it creates so much anxiety and panic for me (even days ahead). I just wish we could all go to work without having the pressure of socialization.
     
  7. leer

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    I fit in alright at work dont find it to hard to join in with peoples conversations with either men or women quite a few know am gay dont seem to be a problem .
     
  8. OMGWTFBBQ

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    This is what l mean. There's usually a niche for the 'misfit'. And we're usually comic relief. Sometimes you have to compete with another misfit, but then hey, you can just be friends.

    lf anything l'm comfortable being this person. IDK. l can get away with not discussing the same things they do pretty easily. At work l've never really wanted people to know much about me even when l had nothing to hide.
     
  9. RueBea85

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    I've never really talked about personal stuff at work with others. I worked with some people at the store I worked at for five years before we closed down and didn't really know much about people's private lives, the amount of kids they had/their marriage and home life. The people I had worked with some of them I knew since childhood so did know about them but we didn't really talk about personal things very much.

    I usually only make a few good friends from work, I'm friendly to everyone but only a few I actually call up and hang out with. I don't think you have to be friends with everyone at work and sometimes when I'm in the break room it's nice to be quiet and just read something or I go on my phone.

    I've felt some pressure to open up more but I think it'll eventually come when you're more comfortable.

    Oh do I feel you on the one too! I like to dress more androgynously/masculine so I always feel different, like I don't completely belong with the other girls. And I tend to be more introverted, I like to be by myself, even in my house, I have 3 other roommates and I don't hang out with them that often. I usually just come home and go to my room, I have other friends I hang out with, but if I'm not 100 percent comfortable around someone, I usually keep to myself.