Hey, I was just wondering what things now you know you're gay do you look back on and think how did it take me this long to figure out? For me so many things but one of them is I was playing prince charimg when I was in the brownies and I got to kiss her (!)
For me I crushed on guys all the time since I was like 7.... even more than girls... took me eight more years to catch on lol!
I used to like wearing dresses, not for the sake of feeling feminine, but I always just felt comfortable acting feminine for the sake of humor. I identify as masculine, but I have a feminine side of me that I'm completely comfortable expressing. Looking back, I also had a tendency of only falling for tom-boyish girls as a young boy, though I didn't really crush on guys then. I knew that guys were attractive to me, but I never actually had a crush on one until just a few months ago.
I remember back in elementary school there was this girl on my bus and she was 2 years older than me and she was always nice to me and sometimes sat next to me (short bus lol) and I remember thinking like "I really want to be her friend." and I always looked for her in school and every time I saw her I like watched her. Of course back then I had no idea what that was all about but looking back on it now I'm like "DUUUHHHHH!!!".
It took me a long time to accept it, I wish I could go back and have a word with the younger me that struggled so much. I feel so content now and I would have done so much better in school if I had that mindset back then. Once day I literally just accepted it. After years of thinking I could change it, saying I was bisexual and that I would just be with a girl one day - I accepted it. It was an amazing feeling. The signs have been there from me being a very young child. I did very feminine things and I was mostly drawn to girls as friends. I used to see boys and felt like I guess a straight kid would feel about a girl, I admired them in a different way. I always thought it would just go away, but it didn't. I'm not really feminine at all these days (unless I'm drunk), but I sometimes wonder if that's due to years of pretending to be straight? Not sure.
May I suggest you *can* do that? Try writing (doesn't matter how or which platform you choose; paper, electronic word document, aloud verbally) to your 'younger self', this image, and tell him about how things are in the 'future' and comfort him. You may roll your eyes, but it can be amazingly satisfying and therapeutic! As for me, personally, I can look back and remember loving to wrestle my neighborhood friend on the trampoline. I used to let him win and put me in a hold so my face was next to him, ha ha! Oh, and I used to wonder what it would be like to be a woman and be penetrated rather than do the penetrating. These things may seem odd initially because we don't like to view children thinking of these things, but children do, and that's just how it is! It makes sense in retrospect, but so many of us are blind to it. As kids I feel we are just ignorant of labels or defining it, and as we grow older, our "shadow self" (reference Carl Jung's psychological theory) seems to encompass all of the things we wish to hide from society or ourselves out of fear, seems to deny it.
Actually not a bad idea. Could help get rid of those lingering demons I have from those tough years. Gonna give it a try! Love your story about the wrestling. I can relate to that one. As I child I just thought those feelings were normal and that I'd eventually be like other boys my age.
I remember when I was a kid I was always getting dirty and playing outside. I never wore dresses, hated wearing them. I used to get these insane butterflies whenever I talked to the female teachers I liked. I didn't realize it then but now I know I had crushes on them. I used to watch them in the corner of my eye or I would always want to be around them and help them out with things, I would "spontaneously" show up wherever they were. I remember one time there was a fire drill at my school and it was winter and our class had to go outside, I didn't have a jacket or anything and it was cold, not too cold, but I was in the class in which I had a crush on the teacher and she let me wear her jacket. OMG I will never forget that! Other things are I've just always had much deeper and more meaningful relationships with women, and my crushes last a lot longer.
I remember I wanted to be a boy when I was a kid and sometimes I still do, haha. I didn't like Barbies too, but I still played with them sometimes. What I loved the most as a kid was my video game and cars. I loved cars more than anything cars and make-up haha. I never thought it was weird because my parents never cared and I have a brother so for me was normal. It was only in Middle School that talking to the other girls, most of them didn't like cars and prefered barbies. I had my first crush on my best friend on 7th grade, but I figured it was a crush and not only friendship much later when we didn't talk more. That time one of my problems with my mom was with my clothes that were more boyish and dark colors. Now I'm very feminine ^^
About 90% of my toys were boys toys. Me and a boy used to play together. He wanted to play with dolls, but his parents refused to buy them. So I'd fetch a couple of dolls and he'd fetch a car or two and we'd play together. He was always jealous that my parents didn't stop me playing with boys toys. I also climbed trees and was always the one who'd help dad make things. I was able to use a drill from an early age and was an arial rigger in my early twenties :icon_bigg I was desperate to have my hair cut short and did it myself when I was 5! lol So yeh...a few things! :eusa_doh:
