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In a relationship, having a friendly beer with male friend, tell her or not?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by FemCasanova, Jan 31, 2013.

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  1. FemCasanova

    FemCasanova
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    So I have a bit of a dilemma, and I am wondering what to do.

    I am in a relationship, and she has a tendency to be very insecure. She has told me she is worried that I for some reason will run away with a guy, because she knows my first relationship was with a man.

    In my study-group last fall, I befriended a guy who is movie and TV interested like me, who like me don`t have that many friends. We`ve been mailing back and forth since then, and I figured it would be nice to meet up to have a beer somewhere, to chill and talk. There`s absolutely nothing romantic there, as I am pretty firmly a lesbian, and wouldn`t date a guy for all in heck. He knows this, and that I have a girlfriend.

    Now I am wondering about whether or not to tell her about it.

    On one hand, she is so damned insecure, and I almost know she will get all worried about it. She`s gotten worried about so many other silly things. Then we`ll suddenly have a problem, which isn`t a problem at all really. It sometimes doesn`t even matter what I say to ensure her about stuff.

    On the other hand, if someone she knows sees me alone with a guy on a pub, it will seem really suspicious, and we`re REALLY going to have a problem. If I then try to explain it to her, she`ll ask why I didn`t say anything about it on beforehand.

    Bringing other people isn`t a solution, as I honestly don`t have any other friends to bring, and my sister would feel like I was putting her out there as a potential date for him. It feels awkward. He has said he has buddies, but I honestly think he is a bit in the same situation like me, he has seemed pretty desperate for social interaction. So I am not sure about that.

    This whole thing probably sounds really silly, but I would just like to go out and have a relaxing beer with a friend, and he is fun to have discussions with, as he is pretty much just as bad of a movie buff as me. I don`t want to have to call it off, because I could get trouble with the girlfriend. She has male friends, and lesbian friends, but I don`t turn into a suspicious puddle for that reason :confused:

    Am I putting too much thought into this? Is there a simple solution, or what do people thing?
     
    #1 FemCasanova, Jan 31, 2013
  2. TheDifferent13

    TheDifferent13
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    In my opinion you should go and meet with this friend of yours. It's nice to have friends, who like the same things as you, so you can have a relaxing talk with them about anything you want, without having to worry about attractions or anything like that. I mean, isn't this what friends are for? :icon_wink

    I do think, that you should talk to your girlfriend though. Like you said, in a case some of her friends or herself sees you, it would be better, to be clear about it beforehand, instead of trying to explain it afterwards. Just explain to her, that you're meeting with a friend, and nothing more than just a friend. And you might want to tell her, that like her, you would like to have friends, without her worrying that you'll run off with them.
     
    #2 TheDifferent13, Jan 31, 2013
  3. SlickyPants

    SlickyPants
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    Perhaps I'm the worst person to give relationship advice because I've never really been in a stable relationship before.

    These are also my opinions and I certainly don't think they work for everybody or every relationship. Everybody is different and everyone has different needs and every relationship has it's own quirks.

    For me a relationship would only work if I could go out with friends every now and again without having to drag my partner along with me or without the paranoia of me cheating and all that nonsense.

    Friends are important and just because you are with someone, doesn't mean you should have to abandon your friends or that you shouldn't be able to make new friends.

    Relationships usually require compromise but there are also times when you need to take a stand and express your personal needs or it will be one-sided and you won't be happy. Communication is key also, you can't go sneaking off to some bar with other people and expect your partner to be alright with it. Being open about relationships I think would solve a lot of problems.

    After all that I think you've done all you can do. If she has a problem with you going out with a friend then it is her problem and not yours. She has to find some way of dealing with it. One way is to accept it that people have friendships while still maintaining a monogamous relationship. Another way is to be paranoid that your partner is having an affair everytime they are out with friends. A relationship can't work without trust.


    My advise is to have a stern talk with her. Tell her that you require some level of independence and that you can't be expected to have no friends. Tell her you love her and all that good stuff and that you are committed to your relationship with her. And then tell her that your going out with your friend for a drink and leave it at that. She then has a choice (and it may not be immediately apparent what it is), to trust you or to distrust you.
     
    #3 SlickyPants, Jan 31, 2013
  4. FemCasanova

    FemCasanova
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    Yeah, you are both right. I should just tell her and get it over with.

    My issue was simply that for me then to get my one beer out with a friend, I know I am going to have to go through first me telling her that I am having a beer with a friend, then her going all quiet and "worried", and then her bringing it up again and again, for like 2 weeks. It would be so nice to avoid that crap. I have already ensured her so many times that I am a monogamous person and I don`t fool around.

    Her reaction was not very enjoyable when she heard that a female (straight!) friend of mine was sleeping over in my apartment on the couch. Despite me explaining that it`s an old straight friend who I have known since primary school, who has a boyfriend and is firmly in my "friend-drawer" and nothing else.

    I find it a bit hard dealing with her insecurities, because I don`t really have any of them myself. She has said it even worries her how non-jelous I am, but I don`t see the point of worrying about something you cannot control, and at least not when there`s not even any evidence that I ought to be worried in the first place! If she fiddles around with any of her many lesbian friends then she does that, it is not like me acting like she will is going to make it any more or less likely!

    I guess I feel I don`t have the energy for worrying, and I wish she could just trust my word on it. She has not even had any prior relationships, so it`s not like her having been cheated on in the past is a factor, because then I could get more why she`s so worried.

    Argh..
     
    #4 FemCasanova, Feb 1, 2013
  5. IrisM

    IrisM
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    From what you've said it seems like she has low self esteem. The lack of jealously seems most likely to appear, to her, that you don't care if she was to leave. As far as the friend goes, make sure she knows. The first time you go to meet him I'd suggest bringing her along, introducing them, and letting her get comfortable with the fact that he isn't going to try and date you. Having met him will probably set her mind at ease a little.

    I myself have extremely low self esteem so it's not too hard to imagine the situation and put myself in her shoes. Reassure her, remind her that you care regularly, I'm hoping it will work out.
     
    #5 IrisM, Feb 1, 2013
  6. FemCasanova

    FemCasanova
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    Thanks!
    (*hug*)
    I am not sure if it is a great idea having them meet, she is insecure and careful, he can be a bit of an a**-wipe and very direct. So he can be hilarious to have a conversation with, if you have decently thick skin, but I just know that if I put those two in the same room, it would be a total disaster, lol.

    But I will tell her, and try to do it in a nonchalant way, so that maybe she gets the vibe that it is not a big deal.

    I guess it would be easier if this was a friend I had from before we got together, but I am thinking it being a new friend makes it "scarier" to her somehow. Possibly, lol.

    I do my best :icon_wink
     
    #6 FemCasanova, Feb 1, 2013
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