A little rant here. I'm also down because of tiresome amounts of pain. I bet this rant has already been made before... it just strikes me as so totally unfair that us LGBT people need to be better people than the rest, just to survive. What I mean is, say, you come out? You need to be patient and accepting of other people's reluctance to accept you, while you're the one having to come out, not them. When you suffer from prejudices and deep loss, you're being told that it's not the other people's fault, really; I mean, how hard can it be to accept that your baby girl isn't a girl? I'm so tired to have to be the better person, here. I want to be allowed to be flawed, impatient and lazy like normal people are. Why is it that I have to be the open minded one all the time? Can't a bit of the work be done by the rest of the people too? What my mom did to me is unforgivable, yet I have to forgive and understand. I have to forgive her for being manipulative, violent, for harming my kids and hurting my wife, and for rejecting everything that I am over and over. Why? for sanity's sake, because a part of my mind needs to keep hope that she intends good. I also have to understand that seeing the situation, it was never easy for her and that she does with what she has. And why the hell am I supposed to understand that, too, hum? Come on, I'm an adult too, a parent, I provide for me and my family, I am responsible and well taught. What I understand now is that she's simply not that good of a person and that she's not willing to improve, she's not even willing to make an effort in understanding. Why? Why am I supposed to be the better person, forgive and understand? Because I'm a bisexual guy in the body of a woman, that's why. I didn't choose this. It sure made me a better person by forcing me to be, all the time. :***:
I can understand your frustration. I think very similarly to you. I don't see why one needs to be patient with people when announcing one is homosexual or transsexual if they are not accepting. This is 2013, it's time to get over it. But seeing it from an empathetic standpoint, one does realize that we're talking about a different generation who were taught a specific set of values and beliefs, including that homosexuality is "unnatural." Our generation is far more accepting than the previous one. Likewise, the next generation will be more accepting than us on certain issues. It's just a cycle that repeats itself. If I were you, I'd just ignore her and just carry on with my life. If she wishes to make peace, then fine. Otherwise, you have your family to worry about. It really comes down to whether or not you're happy. But give yourself time to cool off so you can think about this rationally.
I relate, very much so. I admire those who continue to take a higher road, maintain that patience, the tough cheek. Because all of that, has almost been completely ripped out of me by horrible people. I don't have the strength anymore, nor the tolerance, nor the patience. I just want to be, I just want to exist. I don't want to explain why, I don't want to reason as to why I should be allowed to live. I just wanna be me.
I completely agree actually. I feel like what you're talking about here is the "burden of representation." Sexual and gender minorities are outside of the dominant group, so every flaw we present is consistent with our status as queer people, but everything that we do really well is exceptional, even though it's normal (we are good for being queer). Unfortunately, people within the queer community don't always handle this pressure well. A really good example of that is the whole debate about assimilation. I know that a lot of people represent that camp, so I'm going to be as charitable as I can given how much I hate it. You have people who think that we need to be infinitely forgiving, and we need to assume people are ignorant before we assume they are malicious. Even though we're the oppressed ones, we have to educate those in the dominant group (since apparently, even though they are "allies," they don't have to do any real research to back up their claim to allyship.) If we aren't patient, and if we don't engage with them, on the assimilationist view, we will never get real change. These are also the same people who tend to think that gay men shouldn't be flamboyant, and we certainly need to all be dressed in our best classy clothing at pride parades. The problem with this view, in my opinion, is that it a) prescribes a way that we should have to behave for political reasons, and b) places us at the mercy of people who have already dehumanized themselves by hating us. I dislike it because we're being told to "act normal" which is to say, cisgender and heterosexual. So people who can't pass as cisgender and heterosexual--or those who don't wish to--are effectively being told that they are dragging down the movement. This is almost universally a criticism leveled by gays and lesbians--whose identity groups dominate the queer movement. I feel like I should add that what's being considered normal is also deeply mired in dysfunctional monogamy and rape culture. Second, I think it's a bad strategy to beg the enemy when we need to be crushing him.
Thank you! I recognize what you point at, I think. I've seen it too many times; the people who believe that not acting in the most perfect heterosexual cisgendered manner, with patience and always turning the other cheek, means dragging down the movement politically. I see it with LGBT people raising kids too, a lot. For the least that those kids have a problem somehow, people will point at the LGBT parent for not being into the hetero normative norm. Thus, the kids are pressured to be "perfect", as are the parents, and that pressure is so much stronger than that of hetero cis parents/kids. The only solution I can think of to get out of this dead-end is to create more safe environments to help and encourage LGBT people to come out and be happy! Because the more visible LGBT minorities will be, the more society will see how diversified we are as individuals too. That's ought to take lots of time though. In the meantime, long live venting space :smilewave Way to go Empty Closets by the way. :thewave:
l get what you're saying. Some of this is the reason l don't even come out to family(or some other people). Really, l'm kind of selfish because my family would ultimately be accepting. But they have all these...feelings, lol. Their reactions would be based on things they feel, not what l feel or even who l am. lt's something l'm not generally able to do, sacrifice my time to process feelings that don't match up with my own. Which sounds like a direct lack of empathy and maybe is but l never said l was a perfect human being which is what l'm getting from your thread. More specifically though, it's someone having feelings "about" me in a way that l feel is almost without my consent. What they feel isn't really about me, why do l have to entertain the notion that it is and especially why on Earth would l help other people work through their own hangups about ME? Like, honestly am not interested >_> So l do KWYM when it comes to coming out or "assisting" other people in dealing with our situation, the focus seems to be on us being the "bigger person" here and "educating" heterosexuals about our differences...l don't view it that way. l don't feel validated by that and l expect anyone who is worth it to help themselves.
Quite frankly I won't allow myself to get caught up in this drama, I have enough on my plate to deal with without getting ribbed all the time on what I'm supposed to be doing (as others would want me to do) Either they accept me for who I am or not is their decision. I got to run my life as I see fit. I made that very clear to my oldest sister, who still gives me unwarranted advice. I usually tell her thanks for the advice, and just leave it at that. She knows I'm gonna do what I'm gonna do anyways, No sense in fighting, And she knows she better not get in my way, because I'll simply go around her, One reason why I live a thousand miles away from her, great to visit, and i get the respect i deserve.
No, I get that. I really do! And we shouldn`t have to be. However, the way I see it is, I`ll take the high road for a while, and encourage empathy, acceptance and understanding, by giving it myself and hoping to recieve it in return. But (!) at a certain point, they`ve had enough chances, and if they cannot accept, love and treat me with the kind of respect I deserve, then they are out of my life. And when it comes to strangers, they don`t really matter that much to me anyways, unless they`re nice people who I can enjoy talking with. So, if some random stranger gives me crap, most of the time I`ll be able to just laugh it off. If it is a family member, then we work it out. I have already cut half my family on my father`s side off, and I could not care less what happens with them. That was for other reasons than LGBT though. But the thing is, I would not feel right just talking back at strangers and curse at them, because there are people out there who simply are ignorant, who simply don`t know, and I cannot help thinking that if we give up on educating, helping them understand, then we breed more ignorant homophobes, not less. I want the world to be better than it is, and it has to start somewhere. I can`t preach about making it better, and then go hide behind hostility. That doesn`t change anything. Positive changes comes from positive people who are willing to put themselves out there, to be a good influence, to show empathy and understanding, and if so be it, spoon-feed the ignorant in order to push them in the right direction. Maybe we shouldn`t have to always be the ones who reach out a hand, who gives of ourselves, who are positive, empathic and willing to help people learn and understand, but if we don`t, who`s gonna do it? And if no one does it, how is it going to get better? (*hug*)
Forgiving others for their behavior doesnt necessarily mean that you welcome them with open arms. Forgiveness is an internal process. It often bothers me when people ask others for forgiveness. Ultimately, forgiveness is a means of letting go of anger and hate. Doesnt mean that you overlook the wrong. Respect and trust are something earned, and if a person who has wronged you desires to remain a part of your life, then they should have to work to re-establish that trust/respect. Im not saying that a person should be self absorbed and feel that the world owes them. More that your life is yours and no-one elses. You may share your journey with others, but overall, it is yours to take. As for "turning the other cheek" there's something to the old saying "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." At a certain point, it is fruitless to give any more chances to people. Perhaps not permanently, but I've found the best way to turn people around is to give them time without you in their lives. If their behavior alienates those closest to them then, eventually, they will have to correct it or suffer loneliness.
I agree to a certain point with this. Forgiveness is an internal process, that I completely agree with. I also feel that forgive is something we do for our own healing and happiness. We only have room for so much emotions, and if we fill up with anger and bitterness, it has a very negative effect on us. Sometimes it is good to feel angry, and allow ourselves to rage a little. But at some point we should work on letting it go. I also agree that people have to earn respect, trust and love. But I do believe in redemption, and often, for someone to be able to begin earning our trust and love, they have to first be capable of admitting that they`ve done us wrong. A lot of people are incapable of doing so. But some are, and sometimes it takes some courage for someone to admit to have treated you badly, or acted out of line. When they ask for forgiveness, they also admit to having hurt you. So for someone to ask for forgiveness is the first step in them making up for how they have treated you. And then I think the right thing to do is accept the appology. Which doesn`t mean you have to trust or respect them, or even have them in your life. If my father came today, and asked for my forgiveness, I would give it to him. But I wouldn`t want him back into my life, because I forgave and healed that a long time ago, without that making me want to contact him or have him in my life. So, I generally believe in forgiving for our own healings sake, accept appologies for the healing of others, but when it comes down to it, some people are healthy for you, and belong in your life, some don`t. Just because you choose someone away, does not mean you have to hate or be bitter towards that person. If any of that made sense. I guess I just believe in letting go, and letting others let things go.
...wow, that makes lots of sense. There's peace in those words. My wife told me something similar about her mom; that she had kept her away from her life for 6 long years and and it really helped, in the long run. Then my wife's mom eventually showed up and asked forgiveness. They started building up on that. I agree it's good to let the rage come out and then make peace with it, like FemCassanova said so well, for our own sake. Forgiveness doesn't mean redemption, it doesn't mean that everything's fixed, but that's the beginning of the healing process. and a show of good will. Being the better person isn't so bad in the long run. You're right, it does help to make the world better for our children.
I think this is something a lot of marginalized groups have to put up with in one way or another. If you're an atheist, you need to put up with people who think you're inherently immoral because of it. If you're a woman, you need to put up with men who think their opinion on reproductive rights is just as relevant as yours even though the issue doesn't affect them. If you're a chubby person, you need to put up with other people judging your for your "unhealthy" lifestyle and giving you advice on how to change who you are, just because they don't like looking at you. If you're off non-binary gender, you need to put up with people telling you you're just looking for attention / a "special snowflake". In all these cases, you're not allowed to get angry at the ignorant people, and if you do, they'll throw that right back at you as a reason why you're in the wrong, not them. As in, "Why are you getting so angry? This kind of hostility is exactly why no one respects your group." It's bullshit, absolutely, but I will concede that getting angry isn't a constructive way to respond. It shouldn't be the responsibility of the marginalized group to educate their marginalizers, but if we don't, who will? As for the cause, I think it comes down to people wanting to maintain the status quo, so they ensure that those in marginalized groups remain marginalized. And if you don't put up with it, you're a rabble-rouser, a trouble maker, someone who needs to learn their place. Of course, those in the non-marginalized groups would never outright tell us we need to learn our place; the dress it up in language like "You need to be patient with other people," or they try to claim that the way things are is actually fair and just, and we're being unreasonable for wanting better treatment.
I'm glad that made sense to you. I was very tired when I wrote it out, so I was having trouble putting the words together the way I wanted to. I've had a lot of experience with anger at others and I've found that I'm much happier now that I don't hold onto it anymore. This thread actually gave me a good idea! I think I'm gonna go start a philosophical debate now
