"knowing all along"

I had a crush on a guy before i even knew what sex was lol

 

I spent a long time being blatantly inwardly gay and saying to myself "Nah, its just a thing."

Because a thing is a perfectly reasonable thing to have...

 

Curiously, when I was eleven, I thought everyone liked men like me. Except when I turned twelve, I had the realization. xD

 

I've actually thought about this before. I mean I didn't start realizing I was into guys until last year in 8th grade, but I remember all the way back to 6th grade I would check guys out in the locker rooms. Ive tried really hard to remember what my logic was behind it but I just can't figure out how I didn't know.

 

This situation is pretty much current with me. I used to have dreams about being with girls sometimes, then I'd wake up and wonder what the hell that was all about. I also had a strange fixation with girls, something I can't really put my finger on so to speak, but I definitely had a facination that I couldn't quite figure out. I don't really know when it really started hitting home, I think it was quite sudden, like an epiphany or something. For me to even allow the electrical impulses in my brain to put together the thoughts 'I find girls sexually attractive' was a bit of a thing for me. Then when I finally, reluctantly I must say, couldn't resist the thoughts anymore, they just came flooding in like an unstoppable tide. Is this normal?

---------- Post added 19th Feb 2013 at 11:28 PM ----------

Just to add to my last comment: Putting it all together now, it kinda makes sense. I've never really been into men, a bit, but not much and not for a very long time. I've only really ever been attracted to a couple of men and they were people I got to know, rather than seeing a bloke in the pub and thinking, 'oh look, he's fit'. This is what all the straight women I know are like, they look around them and notice good looking men, I don't and I never have. When my sister was a teenager, she was chasing boys all over town, she was boy mad, I was not. I was doing other stuff, taking drugs, playing music etc, but the sex drive for boys should've been there. I was the only none-sexually active person in my band and the other girls were quite conservative christian types and the only male member is gay. That's another thing, I seem to have had best friends who were either out as gay, or subsequently became gay. This evidence mounts up when I think about it. I also used to find it awkward talking to women, uncomfortable, like I didn't know what to say or there was a barrier there. Now I have aknowledged my lesyness I don't feel that anymore, I am far more comfortable around women and I feel a real kinship and affection I never felt before. Lesbians no longer scare the shit out of me, I like them now, especially pretty blonde ones

 

I've always known I was bisexual but until my recent crush, I had never seriously considered it. I remember one night I was getting ready to go to bed, when out of the blue, it hit me like a lightning bolt: "I love him". Prior I had been sort of confused, like is it just a physical crush, or more? As I had never felt anything romantic for a guy before. I would say that moment was the turning point when I realized that I was mostly gay, as it all suddenly made sense. All of my female crushes had been fairly weak in comparison, and I always just lost interest after a few weeks. But with him, I really loved him.

 

The other day I was cleaning my room and I found some old school magazine type things that the school published once a year with news and achievements of students and stuff. In the first page of one was a picture of the head girls of the school and I looked at one and got these really funny feelings that came flooding back, and then I remembered I had this really strange infatuation with her when I was little. She was a few years above me so we never actually spoke or met but she was a sporty over achiever and got awards and things presented to her and I thought she was so cool. Even when her name was read out in assemblies for some reason I would be extra attentive and applaud extra loudly for her. I'd completely forgotten this until I saw the picture the other day and was like 'so THAT'S what that was!' I had such a crush on her and didn't even realise it.

 

I think it takes longer for some of us because we are all conditioned to believe that we are supposed to get married and have kids with someone of the opposite sex. We are all told from a young age, we will meet our princesses or prince charmings one day. I've always had crushes on female teachers, I've never had a crush on a boy before, so I just thought one day a guy would come into the picture and would sweep me off my feet. So I discarded my feelings for women. But then one day, I met another lesbian and realized there are people out there who actually do love people of the same sex and that I may be one of those people. So it took me a little while to actually get it.

 

To sum it up I say I came out, acknowledged and accepted myself at 17 but knew since I was 6.