Ok, I'm gonna do a bit of shameless touting for opinion now, because so many of you are writers and creative people. There is a writing competition at my college and the only poem I have that loosely fits the theme is this one. What do you reckon? Suggestions/feedback please Vicki Thompson Crooked Hands My crooked hand, with crooked finger, to draw a line in the sand, below perfection I could never handle. I could pick up a hand full, but she would trickle Through the gaps between my ill directed fingers. With a straight middle she can jab me in my beached heart and I am floundering with my slotted paddles and I am calling to her to save me, throw out her arms to lift me, but I am drowning, she slips past me, straight streamlined hand so graceful, cultured, my salt would make her sickly, to touch my cracked and knotted driftwood, digits that can only index her beauty and my stubby fumbles crudely, could never pinch her silken threads to pull me, so back to earth I land with blunted finger on crooked hand to draw a line in the sand.
the ending is very strong. The first half is good, but the rhythm needs some work. Try and get the first two sentences to be as consistent as possible in terms of the this. Maybe break this up into subsections and see how the beat plays out. You can control the rhythm by using commas. You had done this well in the last section. Maybe read it aloud as if you were reading it to an audience, really emphasising each pause and each stress. overall though, very good. I like the theme and the extended metaphor. Kind of makes me wonder what exactly are you referring to...
I actually had the idea when I was sat at college, being subjected to the girl I'm crazy about talking about this bloke she's seeing...:tears:
