1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

So why all the hate on bars?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by AKTodd, Mar 23, 2013.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 3
  1. AKTodd

    AKTodd
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    So, haven't been here terribly long, but have noticed various trends on EC, one of which is that there are some very strong negative attitudes toward gay bars and their patrons among many members here including (perhaps especially) among some of the staff.

    Really, the general sense is something along the lines of 'No decent person would ever set foot inside one of those places or associate with those people!'. I've literally seen at least one member say that they have never set foot inside a gay bar nor would they ever do so.

    Uh-huh.

    First of all, I would say that I've only been to a few bars in my life and would not say that they are the preferred socialization spot if your main goal in life is to find a boyfriend/girlfriend (although you might meet someone there who you then encounter out in the world and get to know and like and who knows where that could go).

    That said, they can be a lot of fun simply as a place where you can be yourself (openly gay in other words), dance, socialize with other people like you (or not, my favorite gay bar in Tucson had a mix of genders and orientations), engage in PDA (which a lot of people here also seem to really dislike, but that's probably another thread), and otherwise just have a good time. I think I hooked up maybe once in a gay bar. All the other times I went (which wasn't a huge amount, but still sometimes), I was either dancing or just socializing with friends (mostly with my boyfriend since I was dating for most of the period I was going to bars).

    Are there potential negatives associated with the bars? Yup. But that can be said about straight bars too or probably pretty much any social situation where you are meeting new people and there is the potential for sex/romance. Users and jerks can be found everywhere and so can drugs. So pretending that they are just the province of the bars or a major threat there over other places seems...uninformed.

    Secondly there is the issue of a group that is supposedly set up to be accepting of other people and their differences taking an almost official stance that an entire segment of the gay community is somehow worthy of nothing but contempt when they aren't really hurting anyone. The people in the bars come from as many different walks of life as the people here (at least). They may be your doctor, your lawyer, the cop who shows up when you call 911, or the teacher who either helped you come out or will teach your kids once you have some. Just as I'm sure you would argue that you are not defined solely by your sexual orientation or preferred role in bed, or what your favorite color is, I would suggest that people who like to go to the bars are not solely defined by that, nor should they be.

    Third - I would question how making harsh and sweeping statements about a place and people you've no experience of makes you any different from the straight people who make similar statements about people like us?

    At the end of the day, I'd suggest that going to a bar (like nearly everything else) is what you make of it. Are bars meat markets? Yup - but so are gyms, straight bars, beaches, and probably even churches in some circumstances. Nowhere is it written that you must go there to have sex or accept any offers if they are made.

    Can drugs be a issue in bars? Yup - they are also an issue in schools, gyms, straight bars, and 'good family neighborhoods' and the workplace. You should exercise common sense and caution in any social situation.

    Are there potentially not great people to be found in the bars? Yup - but see above - that can be said of everywhere. And you can also meet some very nice people there or go there with your (presumably) very nice friends.

    Note also that different bars have different 'personalities' and it may be necessary to visit several to find one you like. Along the way you will probably find some you don't. You may even find that you don't like any of them or would rather spend your free time doing something else. Which is all fine. But at least you will have experienced something instead of simply making a decision on it with no data or based entirely on hearsay.

    Anyway.

    Todd
     
    #1 AKTodd, Mar 23, 2013
  2. leer

    leer
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 8, 2012
    Messages:
    1,785
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    grt Manchester
    I personally dont have a problem going to gay bars-pubs I go with a bunch of friends I dont really go to get lucky or cop off although I have the odd occasion but you do get to see a few things you dont expect to see most of it is down to to much alcohol .
     
    #2 leer, Mar 23, 2013
  3. Kenaz

    Kenaz
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 20, 2013
    Messages:
    151
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    A mix of loud music and a very visceral and visual environment (can't hear or converse much and the dancing appeals) with the addition of alcohol can lead tend to lead to very less than genuine connections. That is just my personal feel, I may be extremely wrong.

    They are just not *my* preferred locale. I really wish there were more places in my area that I could attend to meet someone. In the end, it's really not a 'bar' or it's patron's fault. Really just a wish that the seeming 'center' of the gay community being a club or bar was not the case. All my perspective, right or wrong, however -- although it seems to be shared by many others.
     
    #3 Kenaz, Mar 23, 2013
  4. gordilocks

    gordilocks
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 19, 2012
    Messages:
    956
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    glasgow
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    basically everyone here is a fucking puritan
     
    #4 gordilocks, Mar 23, 2013
  5. BornInTexas

    BornInTexas
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2013
    Messages:
    1,543
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Louisiana
    :roflmao:
     
    #5 BornInTexas, Mar 23, 2013
  6. BudderMC

    BudderMC
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    Generalizing leads to bad results in any facet of your life. You should try avoiding doing it.

    For me, I don't go to bars because I don't drink and have a rather negative outlook on alcohol. A venue designed just for drinking? No thanks.
     
    #6 BudderMC, Mar 23, 2013
  7. BornInTexas

    BornInTexas
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2013
    Messages:
    1,543
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Louisiana
    You don't necessarily have to drink when you go there. Maybe the bar has non-alcoholic beverages, too.
     
    #7 BornInTexas, Mar 23, 2013
  8. redstormrising

    redstormrising
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2011
    Messages:
    679
    Likes Received:
    1
    I don't like the taste of alcohol and i don't like being around drunk people. Gay bar or straight bar, it's not my idea of a good time
     
    #8 redstormrising, Mar 23, 2013
  9. Igne

    Igne
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    using absolutely zero proof whatsoever: I'd wager that the majority of EC is a bit on the feminin side(Not so much that they dress/act like a girl, more that their personality is more feminin), and something I've noticed from those who are more feminin than masculine tend to dislike certain things, including: alcohol.

    Is it wrong? definately not, but thats what I've noticed and COULD be why EC in general dislikes it. I myself love the effects of alcohol if used properly(as a way to remove restraints your mind placed on you while growing up), but I haven't been to a gay bar cause I have no friends who would go.
    Edit: Also a lot of people despise the taste of current generation alcohol because it is the vilest tasting substances in existance. More would likely drink them if they were more like mead(real mead, not beer mead).
     
    #9 Igne, Mar 23, 2013
  10. BudderMC

    BudderMC
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2010
    Messages:
    3,148
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ontario, Canada
    ^ I dislike it because my father is an alcoholic and it definitely tainted my childhood. I'm also more masculine than feminine.
     
    #10 BudderMC, Mar 23, 2013
  11. Igne

    Igne
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    Yah thats why those who can't figure out that you can not drink till you dont know who you are anymore is bad, should not drink. Sadly society either welcomes you with open arms, or hates you for drinking, instead of frowning upon the bad eggs that don't know when to stop.
     
    #11 Igne, Mar 23, 2013
  12. Monocle

    Monocle
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2013
    Messages:
    175
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Out Status:
    Some people
    The only gay bar in my town is deader than a doornail, so I'd just as soon not go.

    Nothing wrong with going, but even if it were more lively/had a better atmosphere, it's definitely not the kind of place I'd expect to make new friends. Everyone's got their own thing going on, or else they're playing pool.
     
    #12 Monocle, Mar 23, 2013
  13. Lewis

    Lewis
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2012
    Messages:
    1,477
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    It's the fact that people refer to them as 'gay' that bothers me, when in reality anybody is welcome to go there.

    A bar cannot be gay, it's a bar. There's no bar that states that you must be gay and no straight people are allowed. I like bars, I go to bars and those bars are full of people of all sexual orientations.
     
    #13 Lewis, Mar 23, 2013
  14. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,559
    Likes Received:
    4,757
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    At the risk of repeating Budder's sentiment, generalizing statements such as the above one aren't helpful.

    There are people who don't drink at all not because they can't control their drinking, but because they don't like drinking. And there are those who don't like being around others who are drinking because, quite frankly, most people who have had even a couple of drinks can start to get really annoying, and those who go beyond a couple drinks (and that's most people who go to bars) start to get obnoxious in one way or another. Either sloppy, loud, losing healthy boundaries, or some combination.

    Gay bars are a culture. And of course, there are gay bars that are nice neighborhood hang-out-after-work-and-have-a-couple places, and ones that are the skeeziest, most gross places on the planet, and everything in between.

    But in my experience, and from nearly all of those I've spoken to, some of whom have spent years going every week (sometimes several times a week), there are certain general characteristics to gay bars. As someone else already said, when you combine alcohol with the other elements you find in bars, you tend to get inappropriate behavior. It's a culture that some people like. But I'd be hard pressed to call it a healthy culture. While alcohol consumption in social settings is quite well socially accepted, that doesn't mean it's necessarily healthy. It's a numbing behavior, and numbing is something we all do at one time or another Some people need the alcohol in order to numb, while others find other ways (which may or may not be healthier) to do the same thing.

    One of the reasons you see a lot of anti-bar/club sentiment here is that most of the people at EC are just coming out or just recently out. Many are seeking to meet people and cultivate healthy relationships. Bars and clubs are simply not the best places for that, for a whole variety of reasons. If people want to go and partake of the activities, behaviors, and attitudes that come with bars and clubs then by all means, that's your right and your choice. And, too, it's the choice of people who have been there and done that and moved on to healthier experiences to not do that.

    Oh, and from what I know, there is zero evidence that "fem" guys are more prevalent at EC than anywhere else in gay culture. We may skew toward a more literate, educated crowd, as evidenced by the high quality of the posts and comments here compared with many other online communities, but from the people I've met irl, or talked to over Skype or whatever... I've seen no evidence that EC community members fit any particularly defined physical characteristics.
     
    #14 Chip, Mar 23, 2013
  15. charlieswife

    charlieswife
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    43
    Likes Received:
    0
    Completely agree with you, only reason I don't go to gay pubs is 1..I'm not single,so not looking for a mate, and 2..don't often drink alcohol.....not because of the people :slight_smile:
     
    #15 charlieswife, Mar 23, 2013
  16. Igne

    Igne
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2013
    Messages:
    39
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Male
    I didn't say physical, I meant more in the.... personality sense, which would be a lot harder to find out which is why I said with no proof whatsoever. Maybe feminin is the wrong word.....
    Also I didn't mean to make a sweeping generalization
     
    #16 Igne, Mar 23, 2013
  17. RainbowMan

    RainbowMan
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2012
    Messages:
    618
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NYC
    I go to bars. Like has been said, there is no such thing as a "gay bar" - a bar cannot be gay, the clientele in the bar however can be. I will admit that there are bars that are skewed towards that clientele.

    I went to such a bar in my neighborhood, so I speak from experience here. Healthy relationships seem not to come from there, in fact, quite unhealthy ones do. Take the example I heard of the patron asking the bartender something along the lines of "where's the cute guy that I went out with last night? I can't remember his name" - doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me if you can't even remember his name. For crying out loud, did he have sex with you???? (I will admit to not knowing the answer to that, and really not caring or wanting to know)

    The other bars that I go to (the so called "straight bars" - once again, a bar cannot be straight, the clientele can) seem to have less of this type of egregious behavior, but I still had a girl obviously hitting on me at one. Not sure what she wanted, but whatever it was she wasn't getting it from me :slight_smile:. But she took the hint and left me alone. This bar is not known as a place that guys go to pick up girls, this is where guys come with all their guy friends to catch the game. So I'm not sure what was going on there.

    $0.02
     
    #17 RainbowMan, Mar 23, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2013
  18. Level75

    Level75
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2012
    Messages:
    391
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Jersey
    I have not seen said negativity towards gay bars around here. I go to this quiet one once a week to meet up with some friends for board games. Wouldn't go to one simply for the sake of beer because I'm not much of a drinker.

    Now, if you are talking about gay "clubs" (like dance clubs), then yeah, I'm probably more in agreement with the general population about what those represent.
     
    #18 Level75, Mar 23, 2013
  19. Femmeme

    Femmeme
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2013
    Messages:
    674
    Likes Received:
    0
    My only complaint about gay bars is the music, around here it's all top 40 dance pop which just does not do it for me. I can haz punk rock dyke bar?
     
    #19 Femmeme, Mar 23, 2013
  20. kem

    kem
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2010
    Messages:
    1,936
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kerava, Finland
    I don't like clubs and bars. I do drink, but bars here tend to have ridiculously high prices on pretty much everything. Also the music is usually either horrible or too loud; most of the time is is both. I prefer hanging out with my friends, drinking either outside or at someone's home.
     
    #20 kem, Mar 23, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 3