So this is something i wanted to get off my chest.... I debated about posting this anonymously, but whatever, now you all know its me saying this... I just dont really feel like I have anywhere else safe where i can say this... so thank you internet! I acted waaaaay out of character tonight and I just got home and I feel really... weird... I went to a drag show in Hell's Kitchen and I loved it, had a great time with another gay friend, a lesbian, and two straight girls. And got pretty drunk, which is something I dont do often AT ALL. Now I usually go to places (on the rare occasion that I actually go out) where its either really campy (for the NYers, usually a place like Pieces), or to a place thats sort of outside of my age range (Raw Hide)... luckily I guess I live in a place where I have that sort of option available to me. But i always go out with lady friends, again, maybe another "safety", aka men wont approach me for sexual reasons. Im out, and Ive been out for a while, but I dont know how comfortable I am with my homosexuality... Its one thing to say Im gay, to be able to openly admit that, its another thing to be sexually involved with men, and when it comes to that, I'm frankly really inexperienced and shy (I can count on my hands the amount of times Ive had sex). So I think I sort of choose to go to bars where I know Ill be talked to more than Ill be hit on, if you know what im saying. i never expect to hook up with anyone I meet while Im out. So anyway, my friends live in the Bronx, I live in Brooklyn, so going out in Manhattan, at the end of the night we go our separate ways.. and while crossing the street tonight, I got honked at by a cabby... for walking in front of his car when he had a green light. Out of character and drunk mind you, I yelled at him for honking at me, and he pulled over and told me to get in. I told him I dont use taxis, I use the subways and he told me he'd take me home for free. So I got in. I start being a total nerd, as per usual, and ask him about where hes from, how long hes been in the city, does he use the subway even though hes a cabby, stuff like that.... He took me about the half the way home, near the bridge to get to brooklyn, when he pulls over on to a side street and parks. He asks, "youre gay?" and I said yes... and he leans in to kiss me. So totally unlike me, I kissed him back and he leads my hands to his, well, you get the point. And I end up receiving and giving oral to this cabby i just met on this street in lower Manhattan. In a way it was really exciting because this is something that I dont usually experience. It felt really good to have a man touch me like that. He was attractive enough, really into me from what he was saying, but way older than me, and I think I did it because my daily life is pretty non sexual. He touched me like he wanted more than that, but thats where I drew the line and asked that he take me home. Its been about a year since I really did anything sexual with a guy. So it was exciting, but I also feel, like I said weird, or even dirty, or I mean I might even use the word ashamed right now, since I acted so out of character. When I got out, when he dropped me off, free of charge as promised, he asked for it, so i gave him my number, and he called me, to make sure it was real I guess, as soon as I got in the stairwell to my building, I saved his number on my phone as do not answer without even really thinking. I guess Im kind of stuck on the fact that after doing something sexual with a guy, I instantly want to distance myself from him, so he can never see me again. I have no plans to ever pick up a call from this guy, I really am not interested in ever doing anything with him again, i cant believe i let it go as far as it did tonight, even though at the time it seemed really hot... I just dont get why Id be like that. Ive done the same thing after the one night stands ive had.. the guy will be like, let me have your number and we can do this again, and ill save his number as "do not answer"... and then when calls - i dont answer. I dont know even what im looking for by posting this.. like I said, I mostly want to just say it, because it was exciting, and i want it off my chest, but Im also curious if the more sexually experienced among you all ever feel this way. Like avoidant of people youve done something with. Its just hard for me to imagine keeping in contact with someone after Ive been sexual with them.. like, how will i ever have a real relationship with a guy if sex makes me want to distance myself so badly from them... and how to keep my own self respect even after doing something with someone like a cabby... when I wont even do sexual things with guys Ive known for a long time who have expressed an interest in me. Can anyone relate? Or can anyone share how they overcame this anxiety with keeping a sexual relationship going? Why would I do that with a stranger and not a friend? Like I said, I feel dirty in a negative way, thinking about what I did tonight. I wish Id just sucked it up and walked the extra two blocks and paid the 2.50 for a subway train. Why is sex such a conflict in my mind?
Okay, I'm not very sexually experienced in anyway shape or form but I do understand what you mean about feeling dirty in this particular case. You were drunk and off your rocket, that's why you couldn't feel good about it after the fact, you might feel as though you didn't really want to, or as though you never reall gave him consent to do that to you-and you might not have, I don't know. If I may ask, do you have any religious background? Because that could be part of the reason you're feeling guilty about being sexually active with men, or just about taking part in sexual acts in general. I'm sorry this is all I have to say, as I said I'm not exactly experienced, I just thought I might offer up my opinion.
In my opinion, it seems like you might have some intimacy problems, an internal fear of letting someone in hence one night stands. I can relate to what you're going through because I've gone through it too, after sex with a guy, I'd never see him again even though he wants to. Also I'd ask the same thing as RedLight, if you have any religious background? That could also be a factor in you feeling bad about yourself after the act. I was raised as a Mormon, but never baptized, so, like you, I'd walk away feeling bad about myself after sex.
Thanks for the replies... Haha I was still drunk when I wrote this last night too... To answer the question, no Im not coming from a religious background at all, both of my parents identified as athiests since before I was born. I was taught through my childhood that I have a responsibility to other people and this life, but never to a god or an afterlife. I dont know, I guess I do have some intimacy issues. I can see that for sure.
Hm. I see why you could feel overwhelmed, feeling like you have a responsability to others can be somewhat nerve recking. (I apologize if I come off as a critic, I come from a religious background but I can't wrap my head around an after-life so I understand completely.) If it is a problem with intimacy there are ways to deal with it. So :goodluck: EC is always here for you, if you ever need to talk feel free to message me, I would be happy to help.
I understand what you mean, I was in a Pub getting drunk & I was talking to a friend of my Dads, after the pub closed we went back to his house as he had some more drink at home, I don't know how it happened but I ended up in bed with him, as far as I was concerned he was Straight & had been married a few times, now I was in the closet & how I ended up in bed with him I have no idea, I do vaguely remember that we did not have sex, other things happened but not sex, I remember him telling me that he was Bi & him telling me that I must be Bi, the next morning I felt awkward & told him I would catch him later, the next day he rang me & I ignored his calls, then he came around my house & knocked on the door, I ignored him, this happened for a few days & then just stopped, I have seen him out & about since, but nothing is said.
Well if it helps, and I hope it does, you're not alone. I am definitely in the same boat you are in. Spending most days living as if someone is chasing you down, taking every precaution(everyone else knows you as "the dependable" which isn't always bad but not exactly fun) and then suddenly you hit a point where you over do it and you do something that was....dare you say it...Exhilarating but unfortunately since it's not something you're good with or possibly even capable of under normal circumstances.....it stings like hell afterwards. So yeah, you're not alone. :smilewave
In my view there is nothing to feel dirty about at all in relation to that incident...I got a bit turned on reading it....nice one!
