Am I the only one?

Well, I never DENIED it. I just let it flourish, but in small amounts like a dam, if that makes sense. O_O

 

In my opinion, it heavily depends on how much adversity an individual would face when coming out. If your family/community is homophobic, you most likely grew up thinking homosexuality was wrong, so having homosexual feelings is both confusing and scary. On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where being LGBTQ was never a big deal, you're less likely to struggle with your sexuality.

As a Catholic that grew up in an all-Asian community, my denial stage lasted 12 years.

 

I didn't really know there was a denial stage (or any other kind of stage actually. The issue just never came up and no one told me about any such thing). I just looked at the available evidence, concluded I was gay, and went on from there. For me, figuring out I was gay was like finding this shiny new toy to play with .

As far as negative consequences or not or acceptance or not in my personal life...

By the time I figured out I was gay, a lot of the factors that seem to trouble people during their realization/coming out weren't in play for me:

Religion: I was an openly declared atheist by my freshman year in HS. My mom is 'spiritual' and raised us to follow whatever path made most sense to us. For me that was no religious belief at all.

Society: Alaskans are a pretty idiosyncratic lot to begin with and my family is/was pretty idiosyncratic even by Alaskan standards. Plus I grew up as something of an outcast anyway because I didn't like to hunt, play basketball, or go snowmobiling (all absolute requirements for social acceptance in my home town). There was never really anything like bullying (just wasn't part of our school environment and besides I was big enough that bullying me would have been...problematic) but I didn't get invited to hang out much with folks my age - nor did I want to.

Family: My family is a rather independent bunch. Virtually all the kids pretty much do their own thing and don't worry much if the rest of the family likes it or not. And when I came out, I was in college and my family was thousands of miles away and I wasn't dependent on them for much of anything. I never really thought there would be an issue anyway (and there wasn't, most of the family is also pretty liberal or at least socially liberal), but even if they hadn't been accepting that would have been...annoying, but not devastating.

Having a family: I had pretty much openly declared I didn't want to marry nor have children by the time I started HS if not before. Certainly no one in my family should have been expecting kids from me.

And finally, compared to the Category 5 crapstorm that was my childhood, being gay just didn't seem that big of a deal. See here:

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/89123-how-close-you-your-family.html#post1415078

Todd

 

I remember hating it, wishing it didn't exist, hating myself for it, but I never tried to deny it, I always knew it was something that was a part of me, whether I wanted it or not.

 

I wouldn't say I ever DENIED being bi, but I did wonder exactly what was up with myself. I had previously thought that bi meant equal attraction to both sexes. It wasn't at all equal for me, even a little bit. Some days I liked boys, other days I liked girls, but on every day, I liked them in different ways. I couldn't make heads or tails of it until my sexuality developed some and I was able to accept a bisexual label.

So yes, it was still a rocky road from assuming straight to accepting bi. But not necessarily one with internal conflict. Once I came to the conclusion, I loved it.

 

Aaaahhhh!!! Finally met someone who feels the same I'm 14

 

I'm not sure what you're implying with "denial" exactly. Is it meant to imply lying to oneself? Or simply the act of denying something (which may or may not be true)?

I have a hard time believing anyone could skip the latter definition of denial, as it is required that you have a stage which you learn about what you like as you are not innately given that knowledge on a conscious level. From what I read on here, it seems like this realization process varies greatly among people. Some seem to learn it very early, some late, some take a while, for some its quick. But it seems like a necessary stage regardless of whether you're heterosexual, homosexual, or anything in between.

For me it was certainly later.

If you're implying the first definition, I think you may be misattributing that to some people's stories. I don't think someone arguing with themselves on whether they're gay or not implies they're trying to lie to themselves. I think it's just part of the learning about ourselves process.

For me, I don't feel like I've lied to myself on this (as that would imply I know the truth), it just has never felt obvious or simple so it has been an ongoing process of objective analysis, not an ongoing process of lying to myself.

I find "denial" to have a negative connotation, and I don't feel like it accurately describes the process of questioning yourself in a fair way.

Sorry for the lengthy answer, I'm just honestly unsure of how people usually define "denial" in this context so I'm trying to reply to the possible definitions .

 

Not trying to argue with you, just clarify how I would define denial in this context: I would define denial as not wanting to believe that something could be true or trying to suppress it , or trying to make yourself be something different or wishing you were something different or generally feeling bad or negative about the idea of being anything other than straight.

I didn't do any of these things in regards to being gay. It took me less than an hour to conclude that I was gay followed by immediately sharing that conclusion with the hookup who was driving me home, followed by dinner (I was hungry )

I did go through a pause of about a year between my first hookup and my second because I didn't want to deal with any kind of intimate relationships of any kind with people while also dealing with a bunch of school stuff. But again there was no agonizing or sleepless nights about it (had already been there and done that over other stuff and really how many coffee mugs and T-shirts does one person need?). I decided I didn't want to deal with that just then and just stopped. Got other aspects of my life into a better place, turned 21 and decided I had a yen to play around with guys and explore that more. So I took steps to make that happen.

After the second visit with the guy I hooked up with, a rational examination of the available evidence led to the conclusion I was gay. I know it took less than an hour because he was driving me home after going to his house to play. It took less than an hour each way, I didn't start thinking about it until we were on the road, and I told him I'd decided I was gay before we got to my house. Then I just proceeded from there.

Todd

 

I never denial'd. I found out what I was and life sort of clicked.