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For those who once identified as bisexual

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gravechild, Apr 30, 2013.

  1. gravechild

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    In light of the many recent topics and debates on bisexuality, this is a thread for those who once identified as bisexual. Naturally, as someone who experiences bisexual attractions, I'm very curious behind the reasoning and specifics behind others adopting this label as a step in the coming out process. It doesn't help that I recently came across a study on a popular dating site with statistics showing a decrease in the number of men who identify as bi in their thirties, when compared to those in their late teens and twenties.

    You don't have to answer all of these, or even any of these, so long that the conversation stays on track. These are questions that have been popping into my head recently, and things I'll never know the answers to on my own. Without further ado, the list:

    When you identified as bisexual, do you think your attractions toward both sexes were genuine, or only seemed natural due to deep repression on your part?

    Did those attractions, if genuine, completely disappear after you began identifying as gay? Do you still feel, and acknowledge, any form of attraction toward the opposite sex from time to time?

    There is plenty of talk of heterosexuals being scared to death at the possibility of having attraction toward the opposite sex, but amidst the 'ew vaginas' and 'penises are gross' comments on EC, I have to wonder how common the inverse is? That is, gay men and women deathly afraid to consider the possibility of attraction toward the opposite sex.

    How common do you think it is for gay men and women to downplay or outright deny their bisexual attractions, if present? Sexuality is far from black and white for most people, and society has yet to catch up, so I know there's pressure to conform in the gay community as much as there is for those living in the 'straight world'.

    For those who are closer to the center of the scale, do you think it's worth identifying as solely gay or straight? Sometimes, it seems many bisexuals would be better accepted, supported, and treated more fairly if they decided to call themselves just one or the other, and many do after years of identifying as such.

    There are bisexuals who lean much closer to either side of the pole... do you think they're doing an injustice to the gay community by identifying as bisexual? Do you think those who lean straight are undermining the identifies of LGBT who lean predominantly toward same-sex attraction?

    Finally, do you think labels are that important for most people? Suppose someone goes their entire life attracted to one or two sexes, identifying as bisexual or gay, and later decides one label fits better. Do you think in peoples' eyes they might be seen as 'less' a gay, or 'less' a heterosexual man/woman? What are your thoughts on this?


    That's all for now, but I'll be sure to include more if any come up later.
     
  2. Hefiel

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    My attraction towards female was genuine. I had very strong emotional attachment with a girl in particular. I had sexual attraction to males however, but no emotional attachment which led me to believe that this interest in males was more of a phase or a "fetish" (I knew very little about homosexuality back then, forgive me EC).

    It's been gone for about 2-3 years now, even though I've only accepted the fact that I'm gay in February of this year. I can look at woman and find them attractive, but I've yet to develop any emotional or sexual attraction towards a woman.

    I'm not scared of the possibility, since I don't think it exists currently. I think I could be confused if I were to develop opposite-sex attraction again, but I wouldn't be bothered to discover that I may instead be bisexual later on in life. It's highly unlikely though, I'm a gay bottom/malesub so it's unlikely that there would be a woman to satisfy that part of me, and the idea of pegging does not excite me. :lol:

    Don't know. Not something I've really wondered or cared about.

    x

    LGBT has "B" in it, I don't see the issue with bisexuals having a preference for one sex over the other.

    The label was important for me to finally be able to put a name over what I was feeling. Now that I've found the label, I don't really care much about it. Life goes on.
     
  3. Eliza

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    I'm sorry if I'm talking about this a lot and being tiresome, but I think this topic is just endlessly fascinating.

    This is a hard question to answer. For me, a huge part of being closeted was mis-interpreting my friendly feelings for men as romantic feelings, and mis-interpreting my romantic feelings for women as friendly feelings. It took me a while to sort it out. A lot of different little realizations guided me to conclude that I had never actually liked boys, like: I had tons of pictures of pretty girls stored on my hard drive but no pictures of boys, I never had sex dreams about boys, I never noticed when boys entered or left the room, etc.

    The other day I made eye contact with some guy and had this weird heart flutter because I thought he had pretty eyes. It took me by surprise, in a nice way, because that hardly ever happens. I went, "Huh! Interesting!"

    It's the sort of event that, if I were still closeted, I would have over-interpreted as rock solid proof that I like boys. I would have told everybody about it and gone on and on about my crush.

    I paid closer attention to him for a few days to see if anything else would happen, but nothing did. I guess attractive men don't fascinate me as people in the way that attractive women do, if that makes sense.

    I've noticed it too, and I call it the "boys/girls are icky" phase of coming out. I also suspect that the people who do it are feeling conflicted about some bisexual urges.

    I never went through that phase. I don't think penises are gross, I just really like vaginas.

    I think it's common.

    I try to be open about my bisexual leanings and my sexual history with men. I don't feel that these things threaten my identity as a lesbian.

    I identify as a lesbian because I am incapable of falling in love with men. I think it's actually unethical for me to date them, and sometimes I suspect that I only dated them because I loved the feeling of invulnerability it gave me to date people I couldn't love. That's an unbelievably cruel thing to do to someone.

    Bisexuals should come out! We need them!

    I suspect that bisexuality is the norm and that totally gay and totally straight people deviate from that norm, and that we don't have proof of this yet because bisexuals don't always come out.

    Can you imagine how much easier it would be to come to terms with your sexual identity as either a totally gay or totally straight person if you had been raised in a society where bisexuality was considered normal? That would be so awesome.

    When I was first coming out, it felt like a total life-or-death thing to figure out if I was bisexual or a lesbian. But I feel that way less and less as I'm getting more secure in my sexual identity. I'm happily settled down in a same-sex relationship, so I'm more worried nowadays about paying the bills and resolving arguments than I am about what to call myself.

    Looking back, I would say that calling myself a lesbian was important to me because it gave me permission to have sex with women and stop having sex with men, which is what I really wanted to do.
     
  4. gravechild

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    Without derailing the thread, can someone please explain how/why a member would suddenly become a guest? It's something I've seen happen with several EC users, and now my curiosity is piqued.
     
  5. BradThePug

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    This happens when a user self-deletes their account.

    I am attracted to men, but I am only romantically to men. So, I was trying to create a sexual attraction.

    I am still romantically attracted to men. I'm just not sexually attracted to them.

    I wouldn't want to have sex with men.. The idea of it does not sound appealing to me at all... I wouldn't go as far to say eww..penis though.

    I think that it's pretty common. There is discrimination towards bisexuals from the LGBT community and straight people.
     
  6. biggayguy

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    [COLOR="Red[B]"]I identify as pansexual but hope you won't mind me answering anyway[/B].[/COLOR]

    When you identified as bisexual, do you think your attractions toward both sexes were genuine, or only seemed natural due to deep repression on your part?

    My attraction for both sexes is quite real. If they were false they should have faded after so many years

    Did those attractions, if genuine, completely disappear after you began identifying as gay? Do you still feel, and acknowledge, any form of attraction toward the opposite sex from time to time?

    N/A

    There is plenty of talk of heterosexuals being scared to death at the possibility of having attraction toward the opposite sex, but amidst the 'ew vaginas' and 'penises are gross' comments on EC, I have to wonder how common the inverse is? That is, gay men and women deathly afraid to consider the possibility of attraction toward the opposite sex.

    It's been my experience in private discussions that some G and L people are afraid of opposite attraction. FWIW

    How common do you think it is for gay men and women to downplay or outright deny their bisexual attractions, if present? Sexuality is far from black and white for most people, and society has yet to catch up, so I know there's pressure to conform in the gay community as much as there is for those living in the 'straight world'.

    I would like to deny one or the other attraction. There is just too much of both.

    For those who are closer to the center of the scale, do you think it's worth identifying as solely gay or straight? Sometimes, it seems many bisexuals would be better accepted, supported, and treated more fairly if they decided to call themselves just one or the other, and many do after years of identifying as such.

    I wanted to identify as just gay but couldn't. My eye lingers over a pretty female too often.

    There are bisexuals who lean much closer to either side of the pole... do you think they're doing an injustice to the gay community by identifying as bisexual? Do you think those who lean straight are undermining the identifies of LGBT who lean predominantly toward same-sex attraction?

    I'll leave that question for others to answer.

    Finally, do you think labels are that important for most people? Suppose someone goes their entire life attracted to one or two sexes, identifying as bisexual or gay, and later decides one label fits better. Do you think in peoples' eyes they might be seen as 'less' a gay, or 'less' a heterosexual man/woman? What are your thoughts on this?


    I think labels are much more important than they should be. You love who you love. Love should be the only label that matters.

    That's all for now, but I'll be sure to include more if any come up later
     
  7. Tightrope

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    First, I've heard about the book "Fifty Shades of Gray" but only generally know what it is about, and bisexuality sort of is "fifty shades of gray," because bisexuals are rarely alike, and neither are heterosexuals and homosexuals. However, bisexuals just seem to cover more ground, for lack of a better way to describe it.

    Speaking for myself, the attractions were genuine, as in heart racing, clumsy, and speechless when a particular girl was in the vicinity of my locker in high school, but I also experienced that same feeling when some guys prior to high school, and after high school, were either seen in person or on the screen, too.

    For me, I wouldn't say the feelings have disappeared. If I am at a strip club or found myself naked with a woman I thought was good looking, I would be aroused. I do not pursue opportunities made available to me if I find that the woman is not my type, but most importantly because, while in college, sex was easy breezy, and women my age are looking for relationships and would be hurt by a FWB arrangement and then discarded. I have been through that and didn't like how I was made to feel like a villain afterward.

    I think that those toward the center of the scale are rarer than those who tip more toward one side, from slightly more to a lot more, and it could be because the sexual and the affectional components aren't in synch with each other. I think that a true Kinsey midpoint person would actually be inaccurate if they picked an orientation of straight or gay out of convenience. I was surprised to learn that actor Marlon Brando was bisexual. I think he really was, and to which degree we really will never know.

    As for your last two questions, there are gays and straights who aren't crazy about bisexuals. And people have their reasons. Some, not all, straight folks think they are mixed up. Some, not all, gay folks think they are not being honest with themselves. To that, add that some other straight and gay people think bisexuals are hyper-sexed and selfish. I watched a talk show once and the bisexual guy on there who had a wife and a long-term relationship with a male friend said "I want it all." The audience sighed. And, lastly, some straight and gay people are ok with bisexuals.

    If doctors, psychologists, and researchers can't agree on what causes homosexuality and heterosexuality, then they've got that much more on their hands trying to figure out bisexuals.
     
  8. Ettina

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    I only identify as bisexual on surveys that have no asexual option. I feel it's a better fit than gay or straight, since I feel a similar degree of sexual attraction to both genders (ie none at all).
     
  9. AwesomGaytheist

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    When you identified as bisexual, do you think your attractions toward both sexes were genuine, or only seemed natural due to deep repression on your part?

    I thought I was bisexual because I liked guys in real life, but when I'd watch porn with women, I'd get turned on and have a really nice orgasm in the process. But then I realized i just wasn't attracted to women at all in real life, so I realized, I'm gay.

    Did those attractions, if genuine, completely disappear after you began identifying as gay? Do you still feel, and acknowledge, any form of attraction toward the opposite sex from time to time?

    After I finally admitted it to myself, I still kind of want to experience having sex with a girl just to see what it's like. I know I'll still be gay after that, but it's just to say I've done it.

    There is plenty of talk of heterosexuals being scared to death at the possibility of having attraction toward the opposite sex, but amidst the 'ew vaginas' and 'penises are gross' comments on EC, I have to wonder how common the inverse is? That is, gay men and women deathly afraid to consider the possibility of attraction toward the opposite sex.

    I kind of find vaginas gross, but hey, one survey showed that 84.55% of American men like them, so it all depends on what you like. I don't think anyone thinks the vagina is pretty to look at, but most men, it's all they want. Again, I'd give it a shot just to see what it's like.

    How common do you think it is for gay men and women to downplay or outright deny their bisexual attractions, if present? Sexuality is far from black and white for most people, and society has yet to catch up, so I know there's pressure to conform in the gay community as much as there is for those living in the 'straight world'.

    That I don't know. I downplayed my, what I thought at the time, bisexuality and pretended to be straight.

    For those who are closer to the center of the scale, do you think it's worth identifying as solely gay or straight? Sometimes, it seems many bisexuals would be better accepted, supported, and treated more fairly if they decided to call themselves just one or the other, and many do after years of identifying as such.

    Maybe if you're specifically looking for someone of a specific sex. If you're a bisexual male who's looking for a woman so he can get married and start a family, then maybe you should identify as straight, but you're always going to have that attraction to the same sex as well.

    There are bisexuals who lean much closer to either side of the pole... do you think they're doing an injustice to the gay community by identifying as bisexual? Do you think those who lean straight are undermining the identifies of LGBT who lean predominantly toward same-sex attraction?

    No, and here's why. If you like both, you like both and you're bisexual. LGBT is a blanket term for everyone who falls into that category.

    Finally, do you think labels are that important for most people? Suppose someone goes their entire life attracted to one or two sexes, identifying as bisexual or gay, and later decides one label fits better. Do you think in peoples' eyes they might be seen as 'less' a gay, or 'less' a heterosexual man/woman? What are your thoughts on this?

    I think if you're bisexual, you can be more gay than straight, or more straight than gay, but that doesn't automatically make you gay or straight. I don't know that labels are all that good though. It seems that "gay" undermines all the best qualities of me. I'm a son and a brother, a future husband, and a decent citizen. It seems these days that "gay" just overrides that.
     
    #9 AwesomGaytheist, Jun 14, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 14, 2013
  10. catoptriclenses

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    When you identified as bisexual, do you think your attractions toward both sexes were genuine, or only seemed natural due to deep repression on your part?
    I think it only seemed natural and that I was in denial.

    Did those attractions, if genuine, completely disappear after you began identifying as gay? Do you still feel, and acknowledge, any form of attraction toward the opposite sex from time to time?
    I do occasionally only because I basically trained myself who to be "attracted" to and now I have to remind myself that I don't have to try to be attracted to them anymore.

    There are bisexuals who lean much closer to either side of the pole... do you think they're doing an injustice to the gay community by identifying as bisexual? Do you think those who lean straight are undermining the identifies of LGBT who lean predominantly toward same-sex attraction?
    I only identified as bisexual because I denied the fact that I am not attracted to men. I think people should identify however they see fit though, not try to conform to a specific label.

    Finally, do you think labels are that important for most people? Suppose someone goes their entire life attracted to one or two sexes, identifying as bisexual or gay, and later decides one label fits better. Do you think in peoples' eyes they might be seen as 'less' a gay, or 'less' a heterosexual man/woman? What are your thoughts on this?
    I personally would not see anyone as "less" gay or heterosexual just because of changing labels especially because I have done the same thing. I do think that some other people would be unwilling to accept label changes because they might not be comfortable with the natural fluidity of sexual orientation.

    I'm half asleep so I'm sure barely any of this made sense. :icon_redf
     
  11. prism

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    When you identified as bisexual, do you think your attractions toward both sexes were genuine, or only seemed natural due to deep repression on your part?

    Definitely deep repression. At one point, I may have deluded myself into thinking that I was genuinely invested in a heterosexual relationship, but there were many relationships after where I knew I was using that person to try to change my sexuality.

    Did those attractions, if genuine, completely disappear after you began identifying as gay? Do you still feel, and acknowledge, any form of attraction toward the opposite sex from time to time?

    I definitely find men attractive and even enjoy flirting with them, which was the biggest contributor to my confusion. However, I have never had sexual chemistry with a man.

    There is plenty of talk of heterosexuals being scared to death at the possibility of having attraction toward the opposite sex, but amidst the 'ew vaginas' and 'penises are gross' comments on EC, I have to wonder how common the inverse is? That is, gay men and women deathly afraid to consider the possibility of attraction toward the opposite sex.

    If I were to magically fall in love with a man one day, I would be confused, but I wouldn't be afraid. I highly doubt that would happen though. There have been quite a few members on EC that have admitted to jumping the gun by claiming they were homosexual, but later realized that they were bisexual.

    How common do you think it is for gay men and women to downplay or outright deny their bisexual attractions, if present? Sexuality is far from black and white for most people, and society has yet to catch up, so I know there's pressure to conform in the gay community as much as there is for those living in the 'straight world'.

    Very common. Bisexuality can be just as complicated, if not more complicated, in the coming out process. I imagine many struggling bisexuals would repress their feelings until they met a member of the opposite sex.
    Before I joined Empty Closets, I was completely set on the idea that I would never come out. I was going to get married to a man and live a "normal" life. Since then, I've come out to my parents and several close friends.

    There are bisexuals who lean much closer to either side of the pole... do you think they're doing an injustice to the gay community by identifying as bisexual? Do you think those who lean straight are undermining the identifies of LGBT who lean predominantly toward same-sex attraction?

    Of course not. You can't help what you feel. It's human nature to categorize and label ourselves. Acknowledging same sex attraction, despite the degree, is a constructive step in the LGBTQ movement.

    Finally, do you think labels are that important for most people? Suppose someone goes their entire life attracted to one or two sexes, identifying as bisexual or gay, and later decides one label fits better. Do you think in peoples' eyes they might be seen as 'less' a gay, or 'less' a heterosexual man/woman? What are your thoughts on this?


    Labels are a necessary evil. They allow us to describe ourselves to another person in a short period of time. If you had thirty seconds to describe yourself, you'd use nothing but labels that probably don't describe you 100% accurately, but you would calculate that they were good enough. However, labels can definitely be taken too far. I never understood why people cared about "gold star" gays. Sexuality is fluid and can change, so I don't think anything can make you more or less a heterosexual/homosexual person.