Looks?

What I find good looking, not many other people do.

Personality comes first, looks second.

 

Symmetry of features or general indicators of 'good health' may be a common factor, but otherwise what is or is not considered 'good looking' can vary quite a bit due to both culture and historical accident. Look at African cultures where scarification, body painting, or ear, neck, or lip stretching are all considered ways of making someone look desirable. Look at past European cultures where heavier, rounder, women were considered the physical idea since being able to be heavier implied both health and wealth.

Oh, and on behalf of everyone here and around the world who is over 40 - gee thanks

Based on what I've seen and heard over the years, this is simply untrue. Basic 'good looks' may just come naturally, but most of what current culture considers especially desirable in appearance requires a lot of time, effort, and sometimes digital trickery, to achieve. I would agree that modern society puts far too much emphasis on judging people based on their looks. Unfortunately, I suspect it's not just modern society that does this but probably every society since humans started having societies. Humans are strongly driven (at least initially) by sensory impressions and vision operates with the greatest speed and range. It may not be fair, but life isn't fair and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is probably selling something.

I don't think I've taken part in any of those sorts of threads, and certainly not one where you were called names, so I can't speak to this except in the general sense that I don't think such are very constructive since beauty is largely a matter of personal taste. Even people who aren't 'conventionally' attractive often meet people who really like them and do find them attractive. Although I suspect the goal of many such threads has more to do with personal self-esteem issues than with simply reinforcing the idea that the OP is good looking and already believes this.

Models are good looking because that is what sells clothes and fashion is a business. Same with TV and film (it's call show *business* not show art).

As far as famous female (or male) actors, most of those who are now over 35 were once under 35 and many were considered very good looking when they were. Most have also not changed their appearance so drastically due to aging that you wouldn't recognize them when they were younger. Point being that not all actors or actresses are 'conventionally' good looking (although admittedly most are).

As far as what sort of boyfriend you may end up with - if you like someone you are likely to find them attractive regardless of how others see them (so based on your reasoning here you would be required to reject anyone you found attractive). Also, rejecting someone who has indicated they like you simply because you've decided they are 'too good looking' seems just about as shallow as rejecting someone simply because they 'aren't good looking enough'. Perhaps a more productive approach would be not letting someone's looks alone dictate our/your behavior toward them?

Just a thought,

Todd

 

Personality is always greater than looks to me. You could have someone extremely attractive but have a shitty personality! If they're hot and have a good personality then it's even better

 

Seal, Nicki Minaj, Bieber after he stopped being cute and started being lesbian ghetto-fabulous, and probably others. I mean, it could be argued in any case if a person is ugly or not, but I don't personally like looking at them.

Looks are mildly important to me. Not make-or-break, but not totally inconsequential either.

 

Yes there are ugly popstars... I find Ed Sheeran to be unattractive for example.

People obsessing over looks isn't something you can fight. It's just a big part of (especially today's) human society and looks are important to most people. Whether it be their own or those of others. It just is.

Not many will admit it, so I'll just go ahead and do it. Looks are important to me. I always try to look as good as I can, and I will probably not be friends with people (to put it mildly) if they are unattractive. Let alone date them. It something that I (and humans in general) do subconsciously.

 

being attractive isn't always about having "the right genes." obviously some people are more blessed than others but there is something called self pride.

not that i disagree with your post, but yeah.

 

Uh, looks aren't the most important thing, and maybe a few people really don't care about looks...but I think most people who say they don't care about looks are lying.

I've tried forcing myself to go on dates with people to whom I had no physical attraction, and I was utterly miserable, my eyes kept wandering to cute skinny guys I found attractive and I couldn't wait for the dates to end.

While I think it probably is true that good-looking people get more attention, even on this site, I think anyone who made a thread dedicated just to showing off pictures of themselves would probably be accused of attention whoring.

 

Why?

 

Because they want to be thought of as superior people who only judge others based on the content of their character, unlike those horrible shallow people who care about looks. And for the most part they are full of shit, they wouldn't be happy in a relationship with someone they found ugly no matter how wonderful their personality was. And everyone has preferences when it comes to looks, nobody is going to find 100% of people physically attractive.

 

Hmm. While I would agree with the sentiment that most humans are driven by visual queues that would make them be attracted to someone they consider good looking, it seems a bit extreme to say that you wouldn't be friends with people that you don't consider good looking. It seems to dismiss both the people you don't know and the people you do as just being ornaments to make your life look prettier.

Unless you're just incredibly good looking, there are almost certainly people better looking than you in the world. Because there's almost always someone better at anything any of us are or do. Perhaps think how you'd feel if you met someone like that and they just summarily dismissed even the idea of knowing you based simply on your appearance. Maybe you'll say that them doing that would be perfectly acceptable and you deserve to be treated like that if you don't measure up to their level of beauty. But I rather think it's more likely you'd be less than pleased to find the shoe on the other foot.

Personally, I judge my friends or potential friends on the content of their character, not whether or not they'd make a nice accent piece in the 'look' I'm going for. But to each their own.

Todd

 

Well, I have no idea what each and every one of them is thinking, and am certainly in no position to speak for them, being a *very* sexual person. Still, would you call me a liar if I told you I've known dozens of asexuals, demisexuals, and even pansexuals who convinced me physical appearances did little to nothing for them as far as attractions go?

Also, if it isn't too much trouble, could you tell me why it's mostly been gay men who have brought this 'anyone who says looks don't matter is lying' opinion forward? At least, since joining EC this year, that's what I've noticed whenever the subject has come up. I'm genuinely curious.

 

Maybe I am mistaken, but I just looked at your thread and everyone seemed to be very kind to you. No one even hinted that you were being an attention whore.

But that's besides the fact; If I'm going to be brutally honest, someone who legitimately didn't care or feel hurt by the pressure on appearance in society wouldn't get this upset about it. No one gains strength by denying their true emotions. There is no merit in acting as though something that truthfully hurts you doesn't effect you at all. With that being said, that doesn't mean I agree with this post. I can understand being frustrated with the media's portrayal of largely attractive people; however, your attitude and opinions commit the same crime you are accusing society of.

You began your post with your frustrations with people judging others based on their appearance, yet you do the same. Personally, you're not my type, but even I can see that you're not ugly. If you wont allow yourself to see that than it is a waste, and I hope you are able to find contentment with who you are inside and out in the future.

Though I just refuse to sit here and agree with putting down others to comfort our own wounds. The fact of the matter is that you are not likely to be a better person because you are considered unattractive or attractive by society. You simply aren't, and this ideal needs to die. For every shallow vain individual you show me, I can show you someone who takes out there anger on the world because they are discontent with who they are. It can bring comfort to some by claiming that the well off or attractive are inherently malicious people, but it simply isn't true.

 

Perhaps, due to their experiences, gay men are more likely to be concerned with being truthful to themselves and to others, rather than trying to put on masks that make themselves more acceptable to society.

People who care about looks, but insist earnestly that they do not, are most certainly wearing a mask in the hopes that society will look upon them as superior human beings rather than shallow or vain.

 

I do care about looks. I think we can't lie about it. Some of us might not, but as was already said, it's probably from someone who has another sexuality that isn't umong the norm....

Rakkaus - if I'm understanding what you're saying, I really do agree about the "people who say they aren't into looks" are usually telling a big old fib...I could be wrong, but that's just my opinion. Again, as I said, I think looks matter to a lot of people.

However, define looks - is it hair? Weight? Color? Clothes? I think it's different for everyone. It's not just about someone looking like they came out of a magazine ad.

 

Good looks are something that I do find valuable, but, they're not my number one priority in a relationship, somebody who loves me and I love in return, a great personality is the number one thing in my book, looks are nice, but they're not most important. I consider myself not the best looking, to be honest, I can't think of why a guy would even look at me twice.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think looks are important, but that gets me throug the door. If the person is an ass hat, I'd leave.

Maybe that's why we all have differences of opinions here?

 

It's not that I disagree with your thoughts on people being hypocrites, but how do you know who is being honest and who is lying, without stepping into their shoes first? A person can fake physical attraction and feel nothing, and a person can be turned on to the point of madness and do a superb job of masking it.

I find someone who is turned on by x and insists that everyone else must be turned on by the same thing or else they're liars to be just as bad as someone who denies having physical attractions for whatever reason(s).

And yes, most of these have been women. There are scientific studies showing that men are more visual, focused on one detail at a time, etc while women are more 'holistic' and can turn down a perfect ten without thinking twice after taking in the 'whole view', so perhaps there is something biological about it. Why are gay men and straight women less likely to be obese than lesbians, and also to suffer from body issues? I've felt it, the pressure, when interacting with gay and bi men.

Though, I've never been one of the guys to obsess over behinds, boobs, or penises like I've seen many others do. I can be turned on by physical appearances, it just takes a lot more to keep me interested for longer than a second or two. Admitting that I'm not constantly craving someone to f*ck and don't always think of genitals probably makes me somewhat of a pariah amongst men in general, but I'm used to breaking molds by now and take the comments in stride.

 

Yes, in some aspects of life very attractive people are treated better and get more opportunities. If you google "halo effect" and lookism you can read more about these issues.

I'm one of these people. I've said that "looks don't matter" in the past but now I try to stick with saying "looks aren't all that important to me" to avoid confusion. With that being said, I wouldn't date someone that I wasn't physically attracted to. How can looks not matter but I won't date someone I'm not physically attracted to?

I'm only speaking for myself here but I can experience what I've seen referred to as "secondary sexual attraction". The AVEN Wiki gives secondary sexual attraction this definition:

From what I understand, demisexuals solely experience secondary sexual attraction and not primary sexual attraction. I, on the other hand, have experienced both primary and secondary sexual attraction. In fact, there was one woman that I didn't find attractive when I first met her. In fact, I found her unattractive. However, as I got to know her, I became sexually attracted to her. The features I originally found to be unattractive became attractive to me. This led me to say that looks didn't matter because no matter what she looked like in the beginning I would have become sexually attracted to her later on based on her personality and my relationship with her. This secondary sexual attraction has happened to me more than once.

What matters to me is if I am sexually attracted to the person. Me being sexually attracted to someone is not entirely dependent on how they look. However, since saying "looks don't matter" leads people to believe that I have no problem being with someone I'm not physically attracted to (which isn't true), I try to remember to say that "looks aren't all that important" instead.

TL;DR: Saying that looks don't matter doesn't necessarily mean that you're willing to date someone that you aren't physically attracted to

 

What it really comes down to is a matter of personal preference. Different people like different things, and that's just the way it is. I've been told I look weird, and I don't care. That's my business, and anyone would be damned to stick their nose in it. I've been teased about being skinny, having red hair, having a lazy eye, being short, "not having a butt", and not wearing makeup, but I've also met people who think some or all of those things are attractive. It also sucks that even if I wanted to, I couldn't sell my eggs because I'm a redhead, and evidently people in general don't want redheaded babies because red hair is ugly or something.

I am a lover of the person first and their shell second. If the shell of a wonderful person happens to be in a symmetrical shell, that's a nice perk, but my husband told me something I thought was really smart. He said, "Everyone should marry a person who is a great cook instead of someone who's just great in bed because you're not always going to want to have sex, but you're always going to have to eat." And, of course, I happened to marry a great cook!