On June 2nd, this coming Sunday, I will turn 23. I have a very strong love/hate relationship with my birthday; never really had a good one, so I typically don't look forward to them. My 16th, 18th, and 21st -all those major birthdays- were all terrible for various reasons. Last year, on my 22nd, I was terribly depressed due to several different things. I’m afraid this year will end up being the same, because I’ve had some emotional life changes happen, even though I have things to look forward to. I will be getting a really nice camera, an iPhone, and I am planning a party for later on this summer with my best friends. I have things to look forward to! As you can see, yet, I can’t shake this feeling. I’ve struggled with depression for 11 years, and the last 3 years I have slowly been making my way towards healing. I currently am in therapy and am generally in good spirits. In a way, I shouldn’t feel like this. I have survived suicidal thoughts and attempts, heartbreak, bullying, loss of loved ones (my aunt being the most recent in March), betrayal, abandonment, and a thousand other things. My life should be a celebration, but it’s not. Birthdays should be a joyous celebration, and for my family and friends mine is… but not to the most important person: me. Any advice on what I can do to actually enjoy my birthday?
I would love to be able to give you advice but your experiences sound very similar to mine. I get it though when you finally feel your making headway and finally getting your life on track the self doubt can creep in again and you ask yourself ..can I do this? Then that thought keeps nagging at you that something horrible is going to happen or that I'm going to screw my life up all over again. I hate the thought of turning 30 later this year, not that I think it's old but I feel like I'm not where I hoped to be at this age. I feel much younger than I am and these last 10 years have just flown by! I think the 18th ,21st, 30th, 50th, 80th are supposed to be milestones that show we have reached that certain age or point in our life but sometimes the number doesn't always suit what is expected of ourselves to be at in that point of time. Yes I understand if bad things have happened on past birthdays it would make you think they are cursed or jinxed in some way. The only thing I can suggest is to try and clear your mind of any thoughts regarding your birthday. I know that sounds easier said than done but as soon as a birthday thought creeps into your thinking straight away counteract that with a completely different thought, think of something that makes you happy or just any other thought except your birthday! And when the day arrives just try to be in the moment don't analyze things too much or be anticipating for bad things to happen. Just remember to breathe, deep breathes..believe me taking a deep breath can calm you down considerably. I hope that this has made some sort of sense! :dry: and can help you in some way.
What is it you want, or wish, you could do for your birthday this year? Perhaps something you haven't done before and have always wanted to try? You said you're on the route to healing, so prove it to yourself! Make this year the best birthday you've ever had, and possibly the best one you will ever have.
(*hug*) Spend the day doing something you love to do. Eat the foods you love. Just be. Don't put so much pressure on the day. One of the best birthdays I ever spent was I got into my car and drove....landed in an awesome place had some awesome food and I did not feel lonely. It was a special day. Hugs (*hug*)
Don't put too high of stakes on enjoying your birthday. I've found I sometimes enjoy my birthdays, but if I get invested in making sure it's a really enjoyable day, then if anything at all goes wrong in any way I feel like the day is ruined.
This. Just think of something you want, and get that shit done! Don't think about anything else, and when you start feeling depressed distract yourself. That's how I avoid my depression over being trans.
