I'm not okay and I'm tired of pretending to be. I'm tired of putting on fake smiles just make sure people don't worry about me and I'm tired of pretending to be happy when I'm not. I'm not sure why I'm typing this, maybe it will help, I don't know. I feel like I've been in limbo since I graduated high school. I use to think that I would make something of myself, that I would move away and actually be someone. It hurts even more when people came up to me at my graduation and pretty much told me "Hey, you're going to go far" when I haven't even taken the first step. I mean look at me: I still live with my parents, I've only had one job for 7 years, I "dropped" out of college, and even though I'm taking classes again, I'm not even sure what I'm studying is really what I want. Though, I feel like this is my last chance and if I blow it, I already consider myself a failure, so I guess I would just be nothing. Just another zombie, hating life, just trotting alone with no meaning waiting for someone to bury an axe in my head. Who do I blame for this? Well, no one else but me. I like to sit here and blame my parents since they did make it harder for me, but I still could of tried harder. You know my dream was to become a herpetologist(studier of reptiles and amphibians) ever since I was little. That's all I ever wanted, but I soon learned that dreams can only be fulfilled by two means: luck or money. I certainly didn't have the money and I guess I wasn't lucky enough, so that dream is just going to stay as it is, a dream. You know what? It's not okay, but what am I going to do? It seems like stars are easier to grasp than dreams. Oh and on top of that, I'm gay! *pulls sarcastic party popper* I'm pretty much to the point to say just fuck it and tell everyone. Just for some change, for something different and if it ruins everything, to hell with it all. I don't maybe that would be the motivation I would need to get out of this rut, but it's so illogical that I just start laughing at myself for thinking it. I think the only person that has kept me from falling into depression or going insane is God since he told me everything will work out.(Some people would say I'm already crazy for saying that lol) Hopefully in one year, just one more year and I can be done with this. I will be able to hit the reset button and actually start enjoying living life. The West is waiting for me, I just hope that I can make it.
You are not a failure you are 24 you are still young hun keep in there you will do wonders because you have a dream, a goal something lots of people don't have at all. And so what you don't have the money take it from me personally money won't make you happy at all. You can't buy happiness god know I have tried and tried and tried again. You have a dream a goal fear never stop reaching for it! You will make it I promise if you try like you have you will get there! And it may not happen in a day or a month or a year or many years but the point is you will get there I promise you if you keep that goal in your head the dream of all dreams ALIVE you will reach it! Nothing is impossible the only person to hold you back from trying is you and god knows I know that. Don't Listen to the word "can't" it doesn't exist. is it because you "can't" or because you "won't"? That's what I was told before. Hang in there if you keep trying you will get your dream. If something is to easy than it isn't worth doing the things worth while are the things that we struggle and fight for. You will find love soon and he will love you so so much, and he will help you reach your dreams! And who knows your dreams may change when you meet mr. Right. hang in there love don't be so hard on yourself, you will be content with yourself in time, but everything worth while you need to fight for! I don't think you are a failure at all you are a young man making himself. And everyone get confused on what they want to be as a career, it's such a big step a big part of your life because you want to do something you will enjoy but make money from to have a happy healthy productive life. You are on the right track you have been going to school it's more than I can say I've done and many more. Sure I'm only 18 but my parents expect me to be done school by 22 the latest and making tons of money an I have no clue why I actually want to do. My parents.... Well my father are pretty much forcing me in to business and marketing but I don't know if it is what I really want to do. Yes the money is good but I've come to realize in a short while now that money doesn't buy you happiness if anything it only gives you a sense of security but that isn't happiness it's just one less thing to stress over, what bout the hundred other things to worry about in your life right? Money can't rid of mean people l, my anxiety, my insecurities money is just in object it shouldn't define you as a person but so many let it.... So many think money means superiority but it doesn't it only seems superior because people let it. The things money buys are objects things that break down in time and can be gone like that, the people you love the life you seek are the important things. Things that are forever. A shirt or pants or wallets or shoes, houses, cars. They are things which get old and break they don't give you love or affection. People do that, surround yourself with love and kindness and people who LOVE YOU FOR YOU! Who make you do wonders and go far people who don't hold you back. Don't worry about the past Hun, the future is bright I promise you keep your head held high knowing you will get there soon Here is a massive hug from me. Don't put yourself down!
What I can say is that life is harder for those of us whom society expects great things. There is a pressure to excel in life that does not come without psychological consequences. It is not fair, but it can serve as a badge of honor that states that we are special and unique and able to accomplish great things. That being said, if you're not happy with the direction of your life now, make a plan to change it. Save money, research your options, make your move. As the Bible says in Luke 14:28-30 (since it appears you are religious), "For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish." If you still wanna study a branch of zoology, find a school that has a program that interests you, go to community college for your basics, then transfer. File for financial aid, look for scholarships and grants, get a part-time job. But also make sure you're sure you want to dedicate several years of your life to studying this discipline. As for talking to God, I don't judge you. Yes, while it may appear that most who claim to talk to God are crazy, I cannot make that determination. You may have a faith I have yet to be endowed with. But I also suggest you seek counseling from some avenue, be it clinical or spiritual. I once suffered from depression; counseling and medications helped to the point that it's been 6 years since I last had therapy. I really don't know what else to say at this point, but I felt it necessary to respond with what little knowledge I have. I hope you feel better.
It's called a quarter life crisis, quite common in 22-26 year olds, and what they involve generally include what you've already described: regret, uncertainty, and a need for change. It's a time to reflect, reevaluate, and adapt to the transition from adolescence into adulthood. Lack of employment definitely contributes, and so can depending on parents for support. I imagine for LGBT youth, the closet can also add anxiety and stress to an already challenging part of life, and if you think it could help, I'd add that to 'the list'. Change is never easy, but is necessary for growth and success. You've probably realized this, now all that's left is to pull through.
Apparently I'm 22, because I've been feeling like this too. I feel lost too. I know what my dream is, but it doesn't seem worth pursuing. I can't find my place in the world, and I'm desperate to move forward, but unable to. No advice, just self-centered empathy, because I haven't solved this either.
Starting over 3 times again, and my parents have made things unnecessarily difficult for me too, but I learn from my mistakes, and no, I don't really blame them for my problems: I blame myself. I think that was the point they were trying to make, while getting in my face and being hostile (). I don't get called a loser by my family, other than my parents, because they had jobs when they were 16. I guess they're still living in the 70's or some crap... beside the point! They don't understand why I have so many issues. I never really told them that a lot of problems I've had stemmed from being gay and being harassed, or just being a social outcast all together... So I agree you should tell everyone you know that you're gay. It's actually really important for your health and happiness. Surprisingly, a lot of my problems disappeared when I came out to all my friends.
Thanks for replies. Yeah I've been having these episodes lately where I just get really down on myself and start thinking "What am I doing with my life!?", and it just snowballs into other things until I'm pretty much huddled up in a fetal position. I also get very melodramatic, so it's not as bad as it seems. I actually did try Zoology/Biology, but I soon found out it just wasn't for me and I still think that's true today. I guess it's just my inner child who loved catching frogs throwing a tantrum since he didn't get what he want. I'm also enjoying the classes I'm taking now (my major is IST). I also didn't mean "I only had one job..." I meant "I've been at the same job for 7 years". I'm not extremely religious, I don't really hold the Bible in such high regards as some people, but thank you for sharing that AlamoCity. But yeah, I'm already planning changes, they're just still in the development stages though. I don't think money buys happiness or anything like that, but it does feel like it makes the world go round. I sometimes think my life would be much better if I had more money and I hate that I think like that because it makes me sound envious. I think I'm having these episodes because I can feel the changes in my life coming and it's honestly scaring me, so I start thinking all these things and it gets me down. Quarter life crisis? Yeah that sounds right.
