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How do you deal with straight people who think they understand but really don't?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Aldrick, Jun 12, 2013.

  1. Aldrick

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    I'm curious if anyone else has run into this problem. It's a situation where you have a straight person who knows you're gay and is supportive of you. Yet, because they're straight they lack an understanding of what it is like to be LGBT.

    For example, because heterosexuality is accepted and everyone assumes it as the default sexual orientation, and because straight people are raised to be open about their lives and their relationships they struggle to understand why you might not feel comfortable doing the same thing. Just to give a really simple scenario, let's say you're with a client and they ask an innocent question like: "So did you enjoy your weekend?" Now a straight person might respond - without thinking twice - "Yeah, me and my wife left town this weekend on a little road trip. It was fun." Yet, a gay person who may not know the client very well might hesitate to say, "I went on a road trip with my husband this weekend." He doesn't know if it's going to cost him the client, if he's going to get upset, if it's going to cause unnecessary trouble. So instead he ends up responding with something like, "I had a pretty good weekend." Immediately followed by a redirect, "How was yours?"

    Now, if you're talking to a straight person about this he might say something, "Why the fuck should you care? If the client has a problem, tell him to kiss your ass. He's not worth your time if he has a problem."

    You *KNOW* he means well. You want him to understand what it's like being gay, all the little things like that which he takes for granted that you have to think about - how you've basically internalized a filter, and that it's not so easy to just get rid of it.

    There are tons of little things like this that straight people just don't seem to understand. How do you deal with these issues? I assume most straight people don't take it well when you bring up the fact that they have straight privilege, and can't really understand what it's like being gay. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  2. Browncoat

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    I can't speak to your specific example, but I've certainly had to deal with your sentiment overall.




    I'd get into more depth if I didn't have to get to a class shortly, but in the cases where I cared enough to want them to realize what my issue was, I've seriously written out my feelings and experiences to give them a better idea of where I'm coming from.



    (Meh, that looks like a jumbled mess; hopefully will come back to it later).
     
  3. Aldrick

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    By the way, this also extends into little remarks that they don't intend to be insulting, but ARE insulting because they just don't understand.

    For example a comment like, "Well it's up to you if you want everyone to know you're business, but there is no reason that you have to advertise your personal life."

    I find comments like that insulting / grating, because it's a double standard that doesn't apply to straight people. No one would consider them sharing their lives, feelings, or relationships as "personal business" - if you're dating someone and you do something on the weekend with your boyfriend - for example - you should feel just as free to share it as someone who is straight who does something on the weekend with his girlfriend.

    This is the opposite end of the, "Tell them to go fuck themselves."
     
  4. Hexagon

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    I get this, often related to being trans. This is why I'm stealth. People have trouble understanding what they can't empathise with, often.
     
  5. BudderMC

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    I wasn't poorly intended, but I had one bout of that, from the first guy I came out to actually. He's always been really supportive. A couple months ago when that short film about reversing gender roles and living in a society where the minority was straight made it's rounds, he and another friend ended up watching it before I did. When I watched it and we talked about it after, I can't remember how the conversation went exactly, but he made some remark about how the whole situation seemed unrealistic and that people couldn't really be facing that much bullying/oppression/lack of support. I had to explain to him that some people do actually feel that way, but I honestly wouldn't expect any straight person to notice or feel the same way.
     
  6. gibson234

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    Perhaps sometime straight people expect LGBT people to fight the world. When really as normal people we just want to get by and don't have time to fight off homophobes.
     
  7. omsaj

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    I'm a straight guy "on this site for a situation I'm going through" but ya I'm straight.
    And unfortunately I have to admit that I have been that guy who gave advice about something he assumed that he understood, I still occasionally catch my self doing it from time to time.

    Anyway I'm only gonna give my opinion on the "straight privilege" since that's the only thing I have experienced so maybe as a straight person who once "thought he gets it" my point of view might be helpful.
    "You just don't get it and you never will" is something I've been told a bunch of times before! And your right, initially it sometimes offended me! At first I took it that my friend was calling me an idiot because he's talking to me about something too complicated for me to understand... But enough of my gay friends said it enough times till I finally understood that i really was being an idiot and just assuming that i get it rather than considering the fact that it could be something a person just cant understand unless they live through it! Eventually I was convinced and I made a lot more of an effort to be careful not to just blurt out my opinion about everything and simply say something like "I'm sorry that happened to u" or "is there anything I could help with" u know just to give my friend some support rather than upsetting him/her even more.
    Anyway constantly being reminded that I don't get it eventually convinced me to try and keep my mouth shut from time to time so if it worked with me it might work with ur friend.

    And I hope I didn't do the very thing that you are talking about... I only gave my opinion on what I have experienced.
    Best of luck.
     
  8. Hexagon

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    Its really cool that you see things that way now. It can be really different to experience something, rather than just hearing about it, and sometimes people can't understand that. But we (or at least I) don't get angry or upset because people can't understand.
     
  9. Sarcastic Luck

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    My mom has been telling me that she's certain that my "idea" that I'm male is caused from the "duality of bipolar". Sorry, but bipolar doesn't caused that. She thinks i'm bipolar because A. my dad is and B. When I was on too high of a dose of zoloft years ago I went manic and a doctor that had never seen me diagnosed me, based on symptoms alone, as being bi-polar.

    I mean, she's still trying to be supportive, but I honestly wish she'd take me seriously instead of trying to deny it. Hopefully, dragging her along with the therapist will help.
     
  10. Ettina

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    http://www.gendersanctuary.com/pdf/TScomorbidity.pdf

    According to this study, 1.7% of the FtMs in their sample had bipolar disorder, which is pretty similar to the general population prevalence reported in this study:

    JAMA Network | JAMA Psychiatry | Lifetime and 12-Month Prevalence of Bipolar Spectrum Disorder in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication

    I dunno if you think it's likely to help, but you could try showing her those two studies. Incidentally, the trans study doesn't reports percentages, only raw numbers, but you can divide 100 by the sample size and times it by the subset to find out the percentage.
     
  11. Sarcastic Luck

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    Ah, but she'll argue that because my dad has it, that must obviously mean I do, despite having never had a manic episode. I've always been depressed.

    Seriously. She made the doctor put me on prozac because it worked for my dad. Worse three months of my life.
     
  12. Garciano

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    As they say, "Silence is the best reply to a fool." Thats probaby what im gonna do
     
  13. Aldrick

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    I was kinda hoping that someone would have some good answer on how to deal with the issue. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Oh well, I guess it's something we're going to have to think about!

    omsaj -

    Thanks for posting. It's helpful to hear what it's like from the other side of the fence. My big issue here isn't that I get angry or upset. I understand the intentions and feelings behind what is said; what I have is more frustration. Not with people who are straight, but with myself.

    So much of being gay is wrapped up in experience and emotions, that it's hard to describe it to someone else and just have them understand. ...and it's incredibly frustrating. I want to be able to describe what I've felt and experienced, and have someone who is straight to understand it in the same way someone who is gay would understand it. It's the type of understanding that comes from the gut / emotions, not necessarily from the head.
     
  14. sammyjane72x

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    I think straight/cisgender allies should go away and do thier homework before claiming such a title. It's rather simple in that sense.

    We need good allies worth thier salt not a ton of mediocre allies that arn't that good at what thy do. The hallmark of a good ally (so i'm told) is to educate themselves well on LGBT issues and fight Homo/bi/transphobia even when no known LGBT people are around t the time
     
    #14 sammyjane72x, Jun 12, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2013
  15. TimTomC

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    Even if they really don't understand, just appreciate them putting effort into it, and trying to help, instead of being homophobic. Lets not attack the groups that support us.