I hadn't realized it until recently (like, this morning after waking up, recently) how far I've come in integrating my sexuality during the last three months on EC alone. Prior to joining, I was aware, knew of the labels, even shared these concerns with several friends and spent a lot of time, maybe too much, thinking it over, researching, and questioning, starting around the fall of 2012. Before that, even, I caught myself fantasizing and exploring erotica, but didn't see myself anything other than straight, and brushed them off as more strange quirks, definitely one of those things you see yet don't see, and this is how I've lived most of my teens and young adulthood. So what's the difference? Before, while not completely ashamed of my same-sex attractions, I might have subconsciously downplayed them, pretend they were less important than those opposite sex attractions, and found ways to rationalize them to myself and others. Bargaining, you could say, but that became tiring and felt dishonest not long after. While I'm not screaming from my rooftop 'I like guys, too!' I'm also very prepared to answer truthfully when confronted by anyone. I also finally feel a part of the community, for once, instead of some casual observer on the sidelines. The initial shock and excitement has worn down, I find myself expressing my sexuality with close friends and not holding anything back. I'm in it for the long haul - there are no more 'when I return to being straight' or 'this too, shall pass' thoughts in the back of my head. This is not a dream, not a phase - this is here and now and for the rest of my life. That simple yet not-so-easy-to-accept fact has only recently dawned on me, and it seems I've adapted accordingly. Women... I don't feel as dependent on them for sexual and romantic needs; I have options. While I'd still be okay if my life partner were a male, I still wonder how I would cope with a female who wasn't so supportive of LGBT issues, since I can see myself still being very involved with the community in the case that I do end up in a heterosexual relationship. There are concerns with males, too, but thanks to the stories on EC, know better than to lose sleep over them. As much as I would love to say I don't check out women anymore, I don't feel aroused with them, I don't fall hard now and then for one - I'd be lying. I think the attractions are simply more leveled at this point, accepted, valued, and respected. Who knows what will happen next? If you've ever watched an anime where the main characters(s) train for months before setting out to compete in some tournament, or embark on some heroic mission, that's where I'm at right now. We're all facing or have faced a similar situation in the process. Questions: How long did it take for you to embrace it? Was there a defining moment or some thought/event that helped you get there? What happened afterwards, both immediately and far after it took place? Tell me how it felt, how it related to my description or how it differed? Anything else you'd like to add? ----- Again, a million thanks to everyone who has posted here, whether or not we've communicated personally, whether or not we've gotten along, whether or not we share the same gender or sexual orientations, whether or not you're still here with us or have moved onto a better place. Be sure I'll continue contributing for some time to come.
Pretty much immediately. I was actually relieved to be asexual. Because of the sexual abuse I suffered, I was terrified about the idea of having sexual feelings. Partly thinking I'd get hurt trying to act on my feelings (I think even if it was consensual sex it would feel like rape to me because of my triggers) and partly worrying that I might hurt someone else (I was paranoid about being a pedophile, compared to that, being asexual is great). A longer process would be to come to no longer be terrified of sex and hate my private parts. Even though I'm asexual, those feelings are damaging to me. But I'm nowhere near that point yet. Well, a moment comes to mind. I'd been hanging out with my brother (8 years younger) and two mutual friends the same age as him. I suddenly felt this intense feeling of love towards our friends, and then I panicked, wondering if that was a sexual feeling. I didn't show any outward sign of my reaction, but as soon as I got home, I talked to Mom. She asked me some fairly explicit questions about my physical reactions, and then told me I was not feeling a sexual feeling, and explained what sexual feelings felt like. That's when I knew for sure I was asexual. Mostly nothing. I just went on my life as usual, but with one less worry. Pretty different, I'm afraid. In some ways my experience is the opposite of the usual one, because instead of hoping I'd be straight and then accepting that I'm not, I hoped all along to be asexual but was afraid I might not be.
How long did it take for you to embrace it? Several years. I denied it for most of the time. It took until very recently to actually admit that I might not be straight. Was there a defining moment or some thought/event that helped you get there? I just remember thinking "I might be bisexual, but that doesn't mean I'm a different person." I just felt so much better after I let myself be whoever it is that I am instead of trying to convince myself I'm something else. What happened afterwards, both immediately and far after it took place? Well, immediately, I believe it was rather late at night and all of my confusion was keeping me up. I'm pretty sure I passed out then. After that I joined EC and continued working on figuring out who I am. As soon as I'm sure, I'll come out of the closet. Tell me how it felt, how it related to my description or how it differed? It felt so good to accept myself. I felt so guilty for the first few years. I just pushed it in the back of my head, denied it, and when I did feel an attraction towards girls, I felt incredibly guilty. I felt like I was violating them by thinking of them in that way. Now it just feels so wonderful to know that even if nobody else accepts me, that I accept myself for whoever I may be.
I suppose I'm still in the process of coming to terms with it, but I'll answer these questions anyway. I feel like I've leapt forward recently. In terms of the collective time, it has taken me several years to accept the fact that I do in fact like women. I suppose I'd kind of toyed with the idea of bisexuality when I was about 16, but I didn't really let myself think about it too much. I just ignored the feelings I had for women at the time and just went out with men. Perhaps because it was easier socially, it didn't need any explaining or working out in my head. At the moment, it's almost like it's really hit home, and I feel more sure than I have ever been. There is no way I'm not attracted to women, and I feel mostly secure that that is not going to change anytime soon. I suppose I'm just trying to figure out where I fit into all of this now, what do I call myself? I suppose in the last few months, I'd been looking up LGBT things a lot more than I was previously. Things like reading a lot of comics about LGBT issues, heck, I even started watching the L word and 'But I'm a cheerleader'. So I suppose that collectively made me feel a bit more secure that being gay still makes you normal, and it's a normal thing even if there are less gay people than straight people. Like, seeing lgbt issues actually being represented by more lgbt people instead of straight people was really nice. And it got me wondering again. I realised that it annoyed me when people assumed that I was straight. I found this site, and pretty much lurked here for a while without creating an account. I suppose when I found the courage to join here and start to unpack the way I feel was something kind of major. I am starting to accept who I am, and what it means to be who I am and I feel less confused than I did. But yeah, you guys are awesome. I suppose, I'm feeling a little bit more at ease with myself. I know it's a bit silly, but I kind of practiced telling people that I was lesbian or bisexual on a chat site. (Still trying to figure out which one I really am). I've also been less guarded with my thoughts. I will acknowledge to myself when I think a girl is hot now. I can entertain the idea of asking a girl out when I am talking to them (even when she does turn out straight :rolle. It's no longer such a remote and impossible concept. I suppose, I don't really consider myself fully realised yet, so that's one major difference. After all, I'm still questioning aren't I :lol:? But I feel more confident, and I feel like I've come out to myself, which is a good feeling. Although I don't think I'm quite ready to tell the world just yet. (Maybe if I stay in the closet long enough, I'll find Narnia :eusa_danc) But I think that will come, and I'm getting there. :icon_bigg ---------- Post added 17th Jun 2013 at 01:15 AM ---------- I think anyway. Maybe this will all turn out wrong and I'm actually not all that secure. But that's how I'm feeling now.
How long did it take for you to embrace it? Many many years. I always had a want to embrace it, always wanted to have friends and a sense of a community that understood me. As soon as I stepped in my first gay bar and sat down and made small talk I felt at home. I finally was ale to be me, at comfort internally was the first time I embraced who I was. Was there a defining moment or some thought/event that helped you get there? See first question. I was super nervous to open that door and walk in the gay bar. I was just sort of standing there 3 ft from the door thinking about what I was about to do. Then 3 really cute 35- 40 something guys came out and saw me and smiled at me. I think they saw the terror in my face asked if I was ok. I didn't say anything, then one said "first time?" I nodded and they all looked at each other and turned around and ushered me back in and bought me drinks and introduced me to people. All this In a matter of 5 minutes. Those 5 minutes changed my life. What happened afterwards, both immediately and far after it took place? My sense of self worth increased dramatically, I didn't feel like some guy alone in the world that was destined to die alone with no friends or significant other. In that 5 minutes I realized that if my family disowned me, there would be many others who would embrace me, encourage me, and love me. I finally felt strong, and little by little I started inching out of the closet. It started a journey that I am still traveling, but it made me know that it's a journey I am not traveling alone. Tell me how it felt, how it related to my description or how it differed? It felt amazing. To grow up feeling lost, rejected, frustrated, confused and broken is so hard. For all of that internal screaming to be silenced feels amazing, you feel free, inspired, strong. It was very much like your description, I started to feel self worth, understood and sensed a level of calm. Anything else you'd like to add? I feel like EC is that thing that sparks this level of calm inside people. I have never met such a large group of diverse but yet common people. The amount of care and friendship and Understanding shown through ALL aspects of the LGBTQ community on here without judgement amazes me every time I log on. Rock on EC :eusa_clap:eusa_clap:eusa_clap
