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Misgendering

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Hexagon, Jun 17, 2013.

  1. Hexagon

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    My mother called me "her". She didn't even notice. I left, and she thought I'd got upset cause she was talking about my organisational skills. Its the first time its happened in almost a year :frowning2:. I know I'm being horribly self centered. This sort of thing happens to others all the time. But it just makes me feel so hopeless. This is why I want to leave everyone behind and start a new life. Because I know that deep down, I'm still their daughter, and I can't stand that.

    Anyone else feel this way?
     
  2. Linthras

    Linthras Guest

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    I can see why that would be hurtful.
    How long has it been since you transitioned/came out as transgender? Maybe she just needs some more time to adjust.
    Anyway you have my sympathy, don't let it get you down.
     
  3. StefaniW

    StefaniW Guest

    Hexagon, I know the feeling. I know that no matter how hard I try and want to sync my past life with my new one and be the daughter I've always felt like to my parents (I especially want to be a daddy's girl XD) it is extremely difficult if not impossible. The only one of my family or my past I want in my life, really, going forward is my sister because she is lesbian and genderfuck (prefers female pronouns).

    I'm sure it was just a slip of the tongue and a total accident, and you prolly shouldn't be too harsh with her. But regardless, it's there. And I feel like, with cis-family, it inevitably always will be, no matter how hard they try to appear accepting. I am not trying to be overly-cynical, but this is just my take.

    <3
     
  4. Daydreamer1

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    I feel the same way,man. It happens to me all the time. They get the name right 90% of the time, but they don't do it for the pronouns. They just make up excuses.
     
  5. Oddish

    Oddish Guest

    Yup. My mum still slips up with pronouns, nearly all the time. I'm sick of correcting her every single time. And she'll still refer to me or call me by my birth name, even though I had it legally changed.

    It's a dysphoria-inducing jab with every wrong pronoun and name. And it annoys the hell out of me that it seems as if she won't even bother trying to get it right.
     
  6. StefaniW

    StefaniW Guest

    Me and my sister and her girlfriend want to go to Washington state and then cut off contact. She says she knows that our family loves me but will just hurt me if I keep them in my life.

    I know a transman and he is caused a lot of pain by his cis, straight siblings, parents, and grandmother. He won't cut them off, but honestly, I think he'd be happier if he DID.
     
  7. Hexagon

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    Nearly three years. I think its been long enough.

    So yeah, thats another mark towards my leaving-after-top-surgery plan.

    I'm not being harsh. I didn't say anything about it. I know she wasn't trying to hurt me, but she did. I just can't stand knowing that they will never truly see me for who I am, even though theres no way of telling.

    I can hear it in the pauses before they say my name or use pronouns. And the way they talk about trans people. And the way they act whenever they see my testosterone prescriptions. And it sometimes seems as if they do anything they can to sabotage my chances of living stealth, like that time they told my college I was trans even after I'd made sure my documents were in order.
     
    #7 Hexagon, Jun 17, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2013
  8. Linthras

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    That does seem to be quite a long time.
    Did she have a hard time accepting it? Innitially?
     
  9. justjade

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    I know the feeling. My sister keeps calling me "girl" and "woman" all the time, and I hate it. It does kind of hurt when people refer to me as "she". I would much rather be referred to using masculine pronouns, but I don't feel like I'm even allowed to correct them since I'm not biologically male. :frowning2:
     
  10. Hexagon

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    Yeah. Curiously, she only started to get better around the time I became suicidal over her behaviour...
     
  11. StefaniW

    StefaniW Guest

    Oh, I didn't mean to say you *were* being harsh at *all*, sorry if it came off that way. It didn't sound like you did anything I or anyone else wouldn't do in the same situation, or acted at ALL unreasonable.

    And I know exactly what you are saying, believe me. I honestly feel - as I said earlier - it is nearly impossible for a transperson to sync their old life with their new one, and I think ceasing communication with your family once you are able is totally understandable. It is holding you back from living a normal life as the man you were meant to be <3
     
  12. Hexagon

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    Don't worry. I'm feeling kinda crappy right now, and I tend to take stuff the wrong way in that state.
     
  13. drwinchester

    drwinchester Guest

    Yeah... I'm not even out to my family and I know that's how it's always going to be. I have four younger sisters and they're not going to understand that their older sister is really their brother. And my mother's mildly transphobic... Won't understand that this is how I feel.

    So tempted to move to Canada and start anew...
     
  14. Linthras

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    It seems to me that it's really hard for her to realise, let alone accept, that you are and always have been a guy.
    Maybe after you move out (eventually) and have been living on your own for a while, she'll come around.
    Because, and maybe it's ignorant of me to say this, people will only use the proper pronouns when they've realised, not just accepted that you're a guy.

    Either way don't give up hope, as hard as it may seem right now. If you start to shut yourself off, she'll never understand or come around. It might ultimately be in vain, but it's better to keep the door unlocked than shut it permanently.
    Best wishes. (*hug*)
     
  15. Hexagon

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    Yeah, I'll keep the door unlocked. In the sense that I'll remember where they live on the off chance I go back.
     
  16. Sarcastic Luck

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    My mom is still in the phase of blatantly telling me that I'm wrong and don't fit into the male stereotypes.

    So..yeah. The only time I get called male is from the people that think I'm a guy and don't know I'm trans.
     
  17. Naren

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    The one friend at my school who I've told about this calls me by my given name in public. I get that. But every time she sees me she says "Hi, []". Every time. She doesn't know why she does it. Gah.