I was thinking about whatever it is that contributes to my "self". That is, my memories. Including the painful ones of my pre-transition years. So, I have a question for trans people here. So, imagine that there was a child born to your parents on the same day as you were. The child is of your true gender, and has your chosen name. She/he is cisgender, was socialized as the gender they were assigned at birth, and has never known anything different. Now imagine that there was a little red pill you could take that would make you this person. You wouldn't remember anything of your "alternate" life, you'd have the memories of the new one. Would you take this pill? This would effectively destroy your identity, IMO. And this is what people mean when they say they wish you weren't transgender. They wish that you would die, and someone else would move in.
I don't know, I'm conflicted on that. I don't want to be a sellout, but I have fantasized about this, in the past, many times before. Mostly because it hurts to not be accepted and to lose those people who can never accept me. I am sorry if that sounds bad, but at this point in my transition, that's just how it is, for me. I think I definitely want that a LOT less than I once did, and am getting more and more accepting of the fact I was born with the wrong parts, and I hope I care even less the deeper in I get. I sooo hope I get to the point where there isn't a small part of me that secretly wishes I was born cis. I mean, I am extremely proud of my identity, but the struggles that come with it can be a total bitchslap, sometimes, you know? Hope that doesn't sound sellouty or like I am not proud to be a member of the transgender and LGBT communities, because I am SO proud. I guess the intelligent, strong, rational side of me is LOUD and PROUD trans, but the small, frightened, insecure little girl is afraid of how the world will treat her cuz she isn't cis. At the end of the day, none of this really matters, though. We can't change who we are, and we have no reason to. To me, I prefer not to think about what may have been if I were born another way, because I simply wasn't. And I think being born trans has actually given me dimension and my struggles have and continue to make me a better person, even if they are sometimes difficult to endure. And as you said, our experiences make us who we are, so if I were cis, I wouldn't even be me.... ---------- Post added 17th Jun 2013 at 09:30 PM ---------- Wow, the more I typed the more introspect I gave this and the more I realized, I may not want that pill after all. For better or worse, I am who I am, and even if it takes a little more work to get the right parts, it doesn't make me any less of a woman. Hmm, surprised at this new level of self-acceptance I have all of a sudden discovered. That sorta felt like an epiphany! Sorry, if that sounds rambling, but these kinds of topics are always complicated and hard to figure out, for me XD
Honestly, knowing what I do now, I don't think I could. I became who I am and grew so strong because of my memories, because of the mistakes I've made. If not for all that, I would probably just be ignorant like I was when I was younger.
Yep. In a heartbeat. It would have saved me a ton of heartache, lots of money and a half a lifetime of BS.
I must admit, I really just don't get this "destroy someone else" idea. I was always who I am now and quite honestly I thought most trans people were. If you were a different person outside of your appearance then, I really can't wrap my head around that. What else did you change besides your appearance?
I don't think its a case of having changed ourselves. I think its a case of our experiences having made us. I, as others have said, am conflicted on this. Of course it isn't actually possible, but if I were faced with that choice, it would feel like suicide. I, the person who's typing and thinking right now, would no longer exist. We can leave our past behind us, certainly, but I also don't think we can deny that it made us who we are (some of that may be genetics, but I'd imagine a lot more has to do with experiences).
I don't think I would in a situation like that, but if I coukd be born a boy, and meet the same people and have similar experiences I would, but I wouldn't take away my whole past and identity. I'm not really all that happy being trans (and I think a lot of other transgendered people are too) but I can't really wish I was born my gender identity because I would be completely different. I wish there was a way to, at this stage in my life, genetically alter my sex chromosomes, and then stimulate the new chromosome in a pre-birth like state(like how you always see people in those tubes full of liquid in movies?) and then pop out male. That would be awesome.
I wouldn't take it, because though being transgender isn't an easy life, it's part of who I am. Dealing with all the crap that goes with it helped me become a stronger person than I was before. I don't think I'd want to erase all of that.
Tbh I'm pretty sure I would. Well, past me would. By past I mean the last few months. I first came out in February, and people started leaving me. My boyfriend broke up with me, friends gave up on me, etc, and I wish I was born cis because I would actually have friends who would be fine with me and stuff. Now, I wouldn't because I wouldn't have the awesome friends I do today, and have their support. It might take more work, but at least I'll still be me.
