1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What's your story?

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by AwEsoMeAsAlWaYs, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. AwEsoMeAsAlWaYs

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2013
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Near Columbus, Ohio
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian

    I was wondering how you came to terms with your sexuality/gender identity, how you came out, and how everyone reacted. So what's your story? Sorry if this thread is kind of personal I'm a curious person. :slight_smile:
     
  2. Adarya

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2012
    Messages:
    380
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Minnesota
    My story is somewhat complicated, odd, or whatever you want to call it.

    I always knew I was different, somehow. My mother thought it was because of my social awkwardness/anxiety for most of my life. But I did have friends, and they were mostly males before I reached middle school. I hated practically a lot of the female population at my elementary school, but when I reached middle school I was forced back into the social circle of females. That was when I really started feeling awkward and out of place, so I didn't hang out much with people and other girls thought I was weird. Because of this I threw myself into school work, writing, and I withdrew from everyone. At this time I also noticed that I didn't have the feelings for guys that other females did; they had always been my friends, so I had never seen them in any different light. In seventh grade I was put in an advanced math class with both other seventh graders and eighth graders. The eighth grade girl I sat next to was someone I related a lot to, and only a couple months into the school year I realized I had a crush on her. I denied it for a while, but I finally came to the conclusion that I was gay and everything else sort of fell into place. Trouble was that she's straight, and when I was in eighth grade she was in the high school so I barely saw her. I'm still trying to get over her, but still continue our friendship.

    She is straight, but that doesn't mean that she didn't help me to come to the conclusion that I'm gay. I told my sister first (who didn't really believe me because she thought I had too many "guy friends" to not be attracted to them) and a couple close friends that I knew wouldn't judge me. I also told my crush, and I'm quite sure she knows about my feelings. I came out to my mother while practically hyped up on caffeine after a school band party and she thankfully accepted me. I'm now planning to come out to my father soon, but I'm waiting for a good time. I want to tell him before I come out in public or to the rest of my friends. Trouble with that is he's been a hardcore Catholic for the last two years or so, and I'm already on his bad side because I'm an atheist. Also, he seems highly homophobic, ignorant, and rather closed minded. My family on his side (like my grandma, cousins, uncles, etc.) also aren't that accepting of LGBTQ people, so I'm scared of when I'll come out to them as well.

    That's practically my story in a nutshell so far, and it's still pretty hectic and confusing.
     
  3. smokey-knows-all

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2013
    Messages:
    201
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Boise, Idaho
    Well all my mind will give me right now is that I decided I was bi, but then realized I don't like guys at all
     
  4. john1b1

    john1b1 Guest

    I had a really hard time coming to terms with my homosexuality. I started to notice I was attracted to men probably in junior high, but I refused to accept it. I lied to myself, and fully believed that I was straight for a long time. I had straight relationships, all of which were horribly unhealthy. Eventually, repressing myself for so long became too much to bear, and I descended into a depressive, self-destructive spiral involving cutting and pills.

    Eventually my parents learned about this; they took away my knives and sent me to a therapist. I don't trust therapists, and this guy was no exception. I didn't tell him anything true, meaning all the sessions were completely useless. He started me on some antidepressants, which I pretended to take but never swallowed. In retrospect this may have been a mistake, because I kept sinking deeper into my hole.

    One day, I believe around junior year of high school, I was just gone. I felt worse than I had ever felt. I found my bottle of antidepressants, and was going to take them all. Ironic, huh? I was going to kill myself with the very thing that was supposed to make me better. And as I was taking those pills out of the bottle, I realized that I had no idea why I was sad.

    I thought about it for a long time. I had friends, a loving family, and I was in a relationship. By all counts, I should have been happy. So what was wrong? After scrutinizing every detail of my life, I concluded eventually that I wasn't happy with my then-girlfriend, Taylor. It wasn't that I disliked her, she was a really sweet person. But I didn't feel anything for her. In fact, I didn't feel anything for anyone.

    Was I so broken that I couldn't love? That was a scary thought. I really didn't want to spend my whole life alone. But I thought about it, and every girl I could think of, I felt nothing for. At this point it never even crossed my mind that I was gay, even though looking back it should have been painfully obvious. I kept thinking, the whole time holding a handful of pills in one hand. Eventually, I put the pills back.

    At the time, I had a friend, Rachael. Rachael was the only person I could really confide in, and I remember talking all this out with her one night not long after I nearly took the pills. Talking through it with somebody helped to give me the clarity I needed to stop lying to myself. I was attracted to men.

    It's impressive that I actually deceived myself for so long, considering all the signs I had. I remember once when I was maybe 13, Me, my brother, my friend Josh, and someone else who I don't remember were all in my room, and Josh wanted to use my computer to show everyone a YouTube video. I had no problem with this, but when he opened firefox, the google search bar still had "Gay Porn" entered in. Eventually he noticed this, pointed it out, and I had no Idea what to do. I just kept denying it was mine. Eventually Josh understood, and took responsibility. He said he did that to everyone as a joke. That was one of the kindest things anyone ever did for me.

    For the first three years of high school, I played water polo. I remember how confident the guys were in the locker room, just dropping everything. Like, wow. Hottest guys ever, stripping down in front of me. Of course I was turned on. And somehow I still managed to tell myself I wasn't gay.

    Anyways, I told Rachael. Rachael convinced me to come out to the rest of my friends, who were all really accepting, and less surprised than I expected. Coming out was the greatest feeling I ever had. I was afraid of how some people might react, but overall everyone was really supportive. I remember leaving Spanish class, and I ran into a guy who was on my water polo team, Vlad. He was a real jock type. Apparently he had heard somewhere about my revelation, and asked me if it was true. I braced myself for a verbal onslaught, and told him that yes, it was true. He responded, "I'm proud of you". That meant more to me than I can express.

    At this point I hadn't come out to my parents, even though all my friends (and possibly my brother) knew. I was trying to figure out how to tell them, when My mom walked into my room. I had been reading something online about coming out to your parents, so I hid it when my mom came in. It turned out she was sharper than I thought, and forced me to show her. She was shocked, in disbelief. At first. She told my dad, who took it differently. He doesn't talk about it. I literally have not spoken a single word about my sexuality to my dad. He doesn't ask, I don't tell. That hurts, but It's the best I could expect.

    Even after all that, I wasn't comfortable with my sexuality. I felt guilty, like I had let down my parents, and my friends. I felt guilty that I didn't have to go through the same difficulties that so many others do when they come out. Sometimes, I felt inauthentic because I so rarely had to put up with bullies and homophobes. At the same time, I was lonely. Hell, I still am lonely, but that's beside the point. That's been my real challenge.

    Recently, though, I fell for a guy. I fell HARD. There's nothing like a good crush to snap you out of depression. Pining after a guy made me feel real, authentic. I knew that I was finally being true to myself. After that, I haven't felt the slightest inclination to try to disguise myself or be less obvious. I don't care what people think anymore, I can be myself. If I shave my legs and wear makeup, I don't care what other people think. And that is truly liberating.

    Hoo shit that was long. Sorry about that.(*hug*)
     
  5. Candace

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2013
    Messages:
    3,819
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southeastern U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    I finally realised events that happened in my life...having weird interests in guys and certain "parts" they had. I've come to terms with it in the last 2-3 years, and I've come out to most of my friends...
     
  6. AwesomGaytheist

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 19, 2013
    Messages:
    6,909
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Pittsburgh, PA
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Figured it out in the locker room my freshman year of high school...came out to everyone but family at 17, and nobody really cared.
     
  7. Hefiel

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2013
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Montréal
    I sort of came aware that something was "off" when I was around 10-11, but didn't think much of it at that time because I lacked any general knowledge about sexuality. Ignoring that time when I was 5 or 6 years old and did something with a male neighbor of the same age that was akin to foreplay with whom I had no particular emotional attachment towards him, I had always loved girls. That remained true until I was 18 or so.

    There were 3 girls in particular that I developed a strong emotional attraction to, 2 of which failed miserably (got rejected), the last one was a little...odd (never told her, but we were relatively close physically). Still, despite having emotional attraction towards female, I had no sexual attraction towards them. I could only think of men when masturbating, but I brushed it off since I thought "I couldn't be gay, I like girls! It's probably just a phase." That went on for about 10-11 years. I eventually just stopped thinking about it in general, and just focused on school and video games instead (avoidance basically).

    I finished school in December, and being unable to find a job for a certain period of time has prevented me from escaping from reality like I used to. I eventually set out to try and figure out what was wrong with me, and came across a forum (not related to LGBT) which I'm still a member of today. In it, there was a thread that asked "What is your sexual orientation?" and for a minute, I took a step back and started looking back on my whole life. I had always known that something was off about my sexuality, but I've never quite let myself figure out "what".

    I started to remember that thing I did when I was 6-7 with that other kid. I started remembering all the fantasies I had that only included males. Thinking about why I could only get off by watching gay porn (straight porn didn't do it, I would only watch the males). Especially over the last 2 years or so, I'd get seriously aroused when I'd see a cute guy in the bus or in school. Last year in particular, I had this crush on a guy I'd see daily in the bus, really cute guy (but I wasn't gay!). Then I noticed that I really never had any physical attraction to females, and that I'm simply not attracted to them anymore, both physically and emotionally. Looking back on all of that, I returned my eyes to the computer, and selected "Gay" in the poll option of that thread. That was it, I was gay, and I was comfortable with it. More than that, it was sort of liberating to figure out that all the self-questioning was only about something so minor, I didn't actually have any issues or anything like that, I was a perfectly healthy gay man.

    I eventually came out to my parents 2 months later, who were pretty accepting. My relationship with them hasn't changed at all. From there, the message was spread to other members of my family. I don't really know who's aware of it and who's not, but it doesn't bother me. I'm just "out" now, and I'll answer to anyone who asks: "I'm gay".
     
  8. Alex94

    Alex94 Guest

  9. Rexmond

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    687
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
  10. dr green thumb

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    well im a 37 yo builder from england.ive been attracted to men since my first boy crush at 13.thanks glen for turning my life upside down.he never knew.but the thing was when i got home from school i'd rub 1 out over him but in my fantasy he'd be naked in just heels so i got more confused.men dont wear high heels but women do so imust like girls.so this went on for 2 years and all this time my feelings and want for glen got stronger.It was ok when i was palying football.shooting stuff with airrifles or bmxing no problem with my mates talking about the girls at school (i'd lie an join in.girls grrrr luv them)but when i got home i just wanted glen.Then 1 day out with my mates on our bikes we found a bunch of porn mags in some bushes(which was quite common in the mid 80' for some reason) and 1 of them had a picture of a tv NAKED IN HEELS now this blew my mind. i chose that 1 to take home.He/she was perfect.the pic was only small in the add pages but it answerd a big question.Yes i love men.i neeed to be with a man.i love everything about the penis.scrotum and most of all nice legs in heels with a penis at the top.oh god forskin and a purple bell.heaven.S o you'd think that was it gay all the way but oh no for some reason ive spent up till now lieing to women and wasting their time then getting them upset and suicidal in a couple of cases because i cant have sex with them.i need a man .yes starts off fine and alls good then wham no sex no nothing just like now no sex for 9 months an shes at home crying wonderin what shes done wrong an im at my aunties 150miles away whacking off over gay porn.70%cd/tvs--30%smooth feminin men.So this time ive got to man up and find a man.I had a couple of near misses in thailand with ladyboys but rushed and nervy due to paranoia that my mates would catch me at age 23 and in 2005 i met a guy off a chatline and sucked my 1st (and only)tool.it felt so good.smooth and how it should be.his ass was sweet to and i pounded it(he did keep asking for it).but fear of getting caught ende that.
    The other problem my gf and i are hiv pos (2004 an healthy)we met on a hiv dating site and i lied an made out i was straight so theres 4 years wasted (shes wants marrage for some reason)So what do i do .keep lieing to women.do the right thing and find a man and take the gossip or kill my self and problem sovled.There you go thats my story sorry if it was a bit long