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Anger? A quick vent

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gravechild, Jun 24, 2013.

  1. gravechild

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    Anger at gay men for saying, "they ALL say that before coming out", anger at women for saying, "you can't trust them", anger at society for saying, "bisexuality doesn't exist in men", anger at myself for spending hours researching, identifying with, defending, and internalizing aspects of bisexuality, and before that, remaining utterly convinced I was just another heterosexual, convincing many others in the process.

    Over the course of the past few days, I've come to accept that I'm probably not a "straight leaning bisexual", and might even be a full blown gay. This surprised me, seeing that I've come to identify with the LGBT community, reading through various sites, checking out books, viewing media, meeting others, etc. and considered myself comfortable enough. I think what made me resist accepting and labeling myself as "gay" might have been the identification with bisexuality, for someone still questioning and generally experiencing a shift in sexuality, combined with what I saw as a lack of validity and respect for the term. At the moment, I'm convinced most straight leaning bisexuals hardly go further than a quick experiment or fantasy, resuming their lives normally.

    The worst part is I'm not even sure of my orientation completely, just that "100% gay", whatever that means for me, isn't off the table anymore. I didn't consider it, didn't relate to the stories of boy-crushes or teenaged blowjobs. Always interested in women, always attracted sexually and romantically, always obsessed with having one but also knew I was different on some level, and chalked it up to personality, upbringing. Well, now I'm not so sure if those were simply societal aspirations, since I never really cared to be in a relationship or not, combined with teenaged hormones, or still do exist on some level. Time will tell.

    Everything has moved so fast these past few months, but especially this summer. Coming out has been on my mind, and so has questioning and accepting myself whole. I've been sick, didn't eat a thing at dinner and felt snappy and irritable with my parents there. I'd like to come out as gay, but am worried for those "exceptions" - female crushes, sexual urges with women, etc. Will they go away?

    That said, I'm genuinely grateful for heterosexuals prodding me out the closet, indirectly and gently, with questions of sexual orientation, insults, concerns over the years here and there... I'm naturally a researcher and a questioner, and while I did continue living convinced I was a heterosexual, I did internalize these messages, since they were common amongst certain individuals.

    EC cleared up many misconceptions: that gay men can't find women attractive, that gay men can become aroused by women, that gay men who are married and have kids are quite common, that gay men can live so utterly in-denial that they and no one else suspects, that gay men are not all like "that guy", that gay men are not the other... same goes for lesbians and other members of the community.

    It feels the largest hurdle is behind me, or soon to be. Everyone has been a lot more supportive of me than I have been with myself, which is a real shocker. If you had asked me five years ago if I thought I was gay, I'd respond with a confident "no". I'd tell you they're just people, deserve equality, but live in a completely different world that I had no interest in. How naive.

    There is guilt - I can't look my mother in the eyes yet. Can't jump into a relationship without feeling tainted. And definitely won't be shouting my orientation from rooftops any time soon. That's where EC comes in again, hopefully. It feels like I must "start over"... but at this point, that's *just* what I need.
     
  2. gravechild

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    And now I must deal with the guilt, fear, isolation, nausea and paranoia... so much going on.. I'd love to tell my mother, she's the closest family member, but also the most religious. She's always said "if one of you turned out to be gay, I'd be fine with it".

    I'm not sure I can keep hiding it, especially from her. I've come out to several friends already and am feeling the discomfort, the distance.
     
  3. Tightrope

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    There's a lot here. I've experienced some of this, and it's annoying, more so than angering for me. The "bisexuality is a stepping stone" and "bisexuality doesn't exist" may be voiced but, oftentimes, I think the very people saying that know otherwise. The ones who are way more problematic are those who think anyone who is other than heterosexual is going to hell. Those are the ones that are best avoided, and also the most incorrect, relatively speaking, of the bunch of critics.