[Possible trigger warning] Suicide

I promised myself to lose my virginity before i die. Weird i know, plus the thought of my mum crying always stopped me. Ive seen what suicide does to those left behind, it puts you off it big time!

 

The knowledge that, no matter how terrifyingly awful I may feel in that given moment, there will always be a day to be lived for that I will fully regret not living.

 

What stopped me from committing suicide?

Had something to do with the fact that I was so young the first, and only, two times I had attempted it. I was scared and broke down into tears. I felt hopeless and alone. It was that day that changed me. I became anti-social and always excluded myself. I would pretend that everything is okay, yet deep inside I was angry and anxious. For 2 years I continued to live like this until exam periods begun. Then this is where my Esh story comes into play:

So in secondary school, when I was exploring my sexuality and was confused about a lot of things in life in general, and the fact that my dad was "on his period" constantly. That's the time I thought I didn't want to live anymore. My judgement had been clouded a lot, I couldn't see any hope, and there was no light to guide me. Luckily, the best friend who I was talking about earlier, noticed I was "changing" and asked me What's up and after we talked, he was having a hard time too. But because I was as upset as I was at that time, I didn't care and still wanted to end it all. But I cried, both times, too much to actually do it. And it was a couple of months later that Exam years started (which means we got all new teachers)

So as I have always wanted to be a vet, I picked Science and for Biology I got a guy called Esh. I was totally attracted to him at first sight and had a crush on him. After a few months of teaching, my crush grew stronger and my friend said I should talk to him, and I wanted to because he seemed like a nice guy. And he fucking was. The best person I'd met my life. We have so much in common, animals, film-taste etc. I'd go see him everyday.

Then one day when my mum said hurtful stuff to me, I went to see him after school one day and literally cried. And he held my head up and hugged me so I told him what happened and he made me cry more. He changed me as a person. He showed me that there IS hope in this world after all, and he was that ray of light.

He was the cure to my depression, not completely, but very much so.

 

I'm going to be 100% truthful in saying nothing changed since my last discharge. I'm still suicidal and every day is like climbing a mountain. A day doesn't go by where I don't think about killing myself. The only reason why I haven't gone through with it is personal. I made a promise to someone who I care about deeply and I intend on keeping that promise. If I didn't have that person in my life, I would probably be dead now.

 

For me, It was Pain.
Why would I make the last moment I ever live be just like the last 17years or so of my life?
If I was going to end it, I want it to be instant. Quick. Without a 2nd gasp of air.

 

My boyfriend actually messaged me almost an hour ago telling me his depression was playing up again and telling me he feels like cutting.
Sadly this happens a fair bit along with suicidal thoughts... I've been doing my best to give him reasons to keep living but i still get really worried about him...
Worst part is tomorrow is our 1 month anniversary..

 

I'm glad that you poted this. It shows me that there are others that were in the same situation as me.

What stopped me was the the thought that taking my own life would make my family more sad than I was at that moment. I'm glad I fought thru it.

 

I didn't because I'm a coward. I was scared of it not working, and having to explain myself. I'm grateful now, but a little ashamed that the only thing stopping me was selfishness.

 

I guess subconsciously I wanted to live but just wanted the pain to stop. I was wearing my seat belt when I parked in the intersection waiting for the pick-up truck to hit.

 

I think what saved me was, ironically, my depression. I always second-guess my emotions and either pretend they don't exist or don't even realize they're there in the first place. So no matter how much I hurt, there's this snarky part of my brain that says I don't really mean it, that I could never go through with it. Eventually the rational part of my brain gains some footing and convinces me to wait and see if I still feel that a few days later. Thankfully, my suicidal ideation passes after only a few hours because I'll find some sufficiently good reason to live, or at least put off killing myself. Most recently it was because my mom had called me earlier in the day worried about me and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to say "I KNEW something was wrong!" I never said I was mature. :/

The one thing that concerns me are my ADHD-like symptoms (I haven't been officially tested yet, but both my therapist and psychiatrist think there's a good chance I have it). Pretty much the only way I ever get anything done is on a whim, no matter how hard I try to plan it out. If this aspect of my mental illness combines with suicidal ideation, the results won't be pretty.

 

The thought of people suffering because of my death, even though I don't feel as important, I know I'm important to a couple of people, so, yeah... that stopped me. And it stops everytime I think about it.

I always hope to die on the street because of something. Not because I literally wanted to die, but because it was fate. I think it'd be nice to die sleeping.

 

My baby. She's not my child, and she's not a baby, but... Her name is Ella. She's my cousin, and she has special needs. I take care of her (she lives with me). She says that I'm her 'hobby', and "when Emily goes to heaven, Emily has to take Ella with her, because Ella loves Emily too much to not come to heaven with Emily". (She's seven. Mentally five, sothat's where this interesting third-person language comes from; ))

Other things that stop me are my family and my friends. But mostly Ella <3333333333333333333333333333333

 

I always had very elaborate plans of stuff I needed to accomplish before I did it. I had to clean my house entirely, talk to my dad, get rid of anything embarrass my mother might find, burn my writing, sell my things, send my sister my books, find a home for my pets, confront the person I thought was most responsible for why I felt wanted to be gone- basically things that I must have known I couldn't do on some level, but I wrote down an itinerary and changed/added to it periodically. I'm glad that I was so obsessed with the items I had on the list (though it is pretty crazy thinking back on it), because when I started living cleaner, I felt very differently.

 

Well, one day I was feeling extremely dysphoric and depressed and I was lying in my bed at my grammas house thinking about how I could you know hurt myself. I decided I was going to just sit in her car in her garage turn the engine on and go to sleep. I was in a....just bad bad place.

It was cuz I was scared to transition (for a lot of reasons). And I felt like dying would be better than living my life as a male (*shuddeers at though*). So I decided I would give it a shot after all. I figured why die? Why not at least try this and see what happens? I figured if things didn't work out or I didn't like how they turned out I could still kill myself.

Well, I'm still here and the HRT has honestly changed my life in the most incredible mind blowing way. I won't lie....I still consider that little pact I made with myself, and often think if things get too heavy I have an out. But as of juuust right now I am sooo happy with this direction I have taken and feel more like myself than I EVER have <3

 

to be honest I had seriously considered it before but when I was truly wanting to commit suicide, what stopped me was that because I had not set out a plan as to how I would do it, I didn't know how to do it and my mind was so clouded that I couldn't think of a way. At the time I was extremely scared just by the fact that normally thinking about how my death would affect other pulls me back but it did nothing. I did not care about how my death would affect others.

so I guess the same lapse in judgement that made me want to do it kept me from doing it.

 

Attempting suicide was one of the most important moments of my life. In what I thought were going to be my final moments, I experienced a clarity unlike anything I had ever felt before. I just sat with a bottle of pills for a long, long time, just thinking. Thinking about why I was sad, what I was doing, all of that. After a good while, I changed. I'm not the same person I was before; in a way you could say I did kill myself.

That night I set myself on a path that would lead to a me eventually coming to terms with myself and the world. Now, I'm completely at peace. I would never even consider killing myself today, but if I could go back and stop myself, I wouldn't.

 

Becoming an Atheist. If I had stayed Catholic, I would have been convinced that being gay was wrong. I guess you could say that Atheism saved my life.

 

I realized my family didn't love me. My suicidal state had nothing to do with my being gay. My family was treating me poorly, in comparison to my siblings, for no particular reason. And, they were upset and irrationally making me do all sorts of unnecessary things around the house to spite me. I began to think that, if they're going to treat me as a worker and not a son, then I will be payed as a worker. If they didn't want to pay me, then they will lose a son, and I would leave. They quickly began to apologize.

 

people would hate me after i died anyway. also, fear of immediate pain.