So I've been reading through statistics of homophobic attacks on Wiki, and I have to say, I'm a bit freaked out and worried for my own safety. As a youngster, I was bullied quite a bit, so I know what it's like to feel different and having to scan my surroundings, but this has really ramped up my paranoia, especially in regards to coming out. There are some *really* hateful people out there, and my town, while in a relatively gay-friendly state, is quite conservative and backwards. Especially here, not far from the "bad parts", I'm starting to think I should really reconsider walking places alone, or even stopping by those places, altogether. I'm not "out and proud", but I think I make an easy target, being small, quiet, and a loner, and combined with my sexual orientation getting out, could put me at serious risk. Already, twice, I've been called names by random passerby while exploring the pro-lgbt part of town alone, but who knows, maybe it will be worse next time? My mind is on hyperdrive, considering buying self-defense weapons, taking martial arts classes, keeping my questioning to myself, moving to another town altogether, and surrounding myself with allies or becoming a total hermit. I've already started distancing myself from certain communities known for not being as supportive, but that's one thing. If my mind was focused on figuring out my orientation, this revelation almost makes me want to stop altogether. It's stupid, I shouldn't care what others think, but when my orientation alone makes me a prime target for the worst human atrocities, it really makes me uneasy. I'd love to squash these fears, right here and now, and my first instinct is to slow down with my coming out process and potentially lie to strangers and acquaintances. It feels like I must kiss my childhood home goodbye, and it shouldn't. Any experiences, tips, words of comfort? Suicide seems a quicker alternative than waiting for a group of boys to bludgeon me to death with a bat, or a stranger stabbing me to death while shouting slurs. Really, there's no limit to what these nuts are willing to do, since they feel justified, and unlike KKK, they're everywhere and still in full force.
I wouldn't say it's sooo bad that death is inevitable. I mean, no it's DEF not thaat bad. But yeah, it's there. My sister (lesbian) has been harassed multiple times, people have yelled things at her, thrown things at her, and even chased her before, she was even once violantly attacked in a bathroom at a club resulting in her and my other (staight) sister getting into a full blown bar fight, which ended in some creepy guy (the boyfriend of the girl that started shit in the first place) punching my straight sister in the face. It is nauseating to me that these people (mostly guys) would treat her and her girlfriend like that. Like they are just complete garbage. So yeah, I won't lie, it's a dangerous world, especially if you live in the South. All you can do is be careful and keep to yourself.
Perhaps this is one reason I've lived as straight for so long - the homophobic culture that surrounds me would have forced me to push any same-sex thoughts out of my head from an early age, especially combined with "Catholic guilt". No joke, I feel "scared straight" right now. I shouldn't have told one of my friends so readily; he seems supportive but I don't really trust him or those he associates with. And several bars and clubs have been torched and graffitied recently. It IS mostly guys, young guys, but the group with most murders seems transsexuals, hands down. I've been careless, taking the bus, wandering unknown parts of town, and leaving the home at night alone. That should probably change, but I don't want to live in fear for the rest of my life. I'm ashamed to say it, but this would make it extremely easy to quit my journey and live in the closet for years... statistically, my chances of assault would be lower, though I'm not sure how much lower than it is now.. probably wouldn't feel completely satisfied.
Well, just don't let pressure come from ANY direction. Chill out and be who you are and don't worry about it. The world is becoming a more accepting place, and gay people aren't too far away from the mainstream (my sister's experiences ALL happened in the rural South, in NC, aka shithole of the uuuniverrrse!). Yeah, we (transpeople) get a lot....I mean, it's always there, and I always know that I have to be careful. Like...I dunno. Especially in terms of dating. Which is why I am really not interested in dating, cuz, yeah, men can be scary. Men can be violant and just...so, yeah it's a worry. And my mother actually told me the other night that was really all that was bothering her about my transition, me getting involved with the wrong kinda person, who maybe doesn't know I am trans and freaks out and hurts me when he finds out. She said that the rest she could adjust to (which was really sweet of her to say actually), but I digress, here. And, yeah, I would say you should be more cautious regardless. There are some crazy ass peeps out there and you need to keep that in mind. BUT, that being said, the fear of assault should NOT make you want to go live in the closet. I mean, yeah, it could happen, but it could STILL happen if you were living a straight life, you just never know. And trust me, hiding from your true identity and lying to yourself is a lot more dangerous than what anyone else might do to you. That kind of repression builds up until it drives you crazy or kills you. You need to take the time (and you need to give yourself time) to figure this all out, and you need to accept that you are going to have to be comfortable with whatever you discover, because for whatever else, you owe it to yourself to love the person you are.
Oh yeah, if my mind was focused on EC and orientation recently, now it's made a complete 180 and remembered the rumors of certain people, the fears we all had of being seen associating with them, being bullied for having traits in common with "non-men", even taking part in some of these acts. I've been thinking only of myself and coming out, forgetting the reality of the outside world. I'll definitely be more alert to who I associate with, disclose personal information with, and where and when I choose to mingle. At least I have some idea why certain gay kids growing up were nowhere near my click - preferring to hang constantly with a certain group of girls. Good thing, too, because I was becoming a bit trigger happy, settling on identities prematurely, telling everyone, visiting certain places in bright daylight, etc. I can be honest with myself, but I'm not sure I'm rushing to be "loud and proud" here anytime soon.
