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Lonely and frightned

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by gavguy, Jul 1, 2013.

  1. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    Hi

    It's not easy for me to discuss matters but I have reached a point where I really need support and friendship.
    I'm quite shy to start off with which is easily overcome after the initial meeting and because of this and being bullied at school I have never had a relationship and I am 44.
    I tried last year to do online dating which was a terrible affair as I was badly hurt several times and lost thousands to a Nigerian ring.
    This knocked my confidence and I would love to have a genuine relationship where trust isn't an issue.
    I know I am very friendly, loyal, and have a good sense of humour but really long for a relationship to feel loved and to give my unconditional love back in return to the right person.
    I am going through a really tough time as shortly I will have to start dialysis and feel now that I will never find someone, or good friends would even be great as I don't have any due to my past shyness.
    The pain and hurt inside is ripping me apart and I just get so upset over this, just thinking of holding another mans hands and being accepted for who I am is total bliss and because I am quite large built this also makes me think that I will never find someone.
    I have been on anti-depressants for years and on my own I have been off these for over a week.
    Maybe this was not a good move but I wanted to get myself off these things as although they may help they also do mask your genuine feelings.
    I have thought about ending it several times as life is just so full of pain but then I realise what hurt this would put on family members, as I always think about other people before myself which is my nature.
    My Mother lost her battle with Cancer 4 years ago and although I did see a bereavement councillor that pain also continues to this day as I miss her so much.
    Having tried various dating sites which wasn't any help at all I just don't know what step to take next and I know I would make an ideal Boyfriend because of my nature and truly believe in trust and monogamy but I do feel now that no one would want me.
    It has taken me a great deal of courage to express my feelings, but as I have said previously I am at that point now where I really would long for some good friends and a boyfriend would be perfect.
    I just cannot see anyone wanting to accept me for who I am and what I am going through and life would be so much happier if I could share this with friends and someone special.
    I would even meet people near to me (London) which I would never do before, but can a miracle happen ?
    Love to you all XX

    Gavin
     
  2. campervankid

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    Hi Gavin, I'm sorry about your mum and the tough time in your life right now but don't give up! :slight_smile: There is someone out there for you! You seem so nice and you inspire me for staying strong. My aunt only just found love and she is in her forties. Of course people will accept you - everyone on here does. You just haven't found the right person for you but don't give up. Lots of support from me (*hug*).
     
  3. Aster Tataricus

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    This broke my heart...

    I'm really sorry to hear about the scam on the dating site. It seems it's an unfortunate occurrence, and there are many who lose their savings with such vile people on the internet.

    I can't imagine the pain and hurt you went through with the dating sites. Especially with the loss of your mother. I'd be a bastard to tell you that "time heals all wounds" but I won't, because it doesn't. It's something only you can bare. It helps if you can understand that everyone goes through the same pain when they lose a loved one. Don't think of it as misfortune or that the universe hates you.

    If your looking for a boyfriend dating sites aren't very useful. Most guys in there only want to hookup or just flirt through the site with no intentions of meeting the person. Trust me, I've been there :frowning2:

    I can't really visit or have the flower in hand to send, but I leave an image. It's an Edelweiss. In japanese Hanakotoba it symbolizes courage and strength. That's what I pray for you. Strength and the courage to continue on living and to meet new people. Keep close those who truly care about you. You'll find Mr. Right!
     

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  4. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    Thank you both for your kind words and support. X
     
  5. time4achange3

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    Sorry Gavin, hang in there, always someone for everyone..
     
  6. Moodlighter

    Moodlighter Guest

    Wow. F*****g money scams..... I may understand a lot about humans but sometimes I just don't feel like I understand anything about humans...

    First: I can tell you - and this is a fact - people find large people attractive. I am sure you have heard of the "bear community"? Slim guys who like big guys; big guys who like big guys; big guys who like slim guys. You gotta find places for this fella. I do not know where in London you are exactly but I suggest, if you can, get yourself to a nightclub called XXL. I went there and LOVED it and I'm a slim guy. Had a BRILLO time. And yeah, people do go to clubs/bars alone. In fact I went to Heaven (the club) by myself the other week and had THE BEST time. Boy it takes guts, even for confident people, but once you do it. WOW.

    To add to this - age is not a factor. You're 44 - you're still young!!! Especially in various gay places, age is not a factor.

    I also suggest - going out in the world by yourself. And enjoying your own company. Watch this video to get my meaning - it is INSPIRING:
    How To Be Alone - YouTube

    Also: I am sure you do not need to be told this, and I am no expert on drugs, but I know that it is bad to SUDDENLY STOP anti-depressants. Surely FADING them out gradually is better?

    :slight_smile:
     
  7. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    I did gradually reduce the dosage and although I am finding it hard I am going to try my hardest to stay off them.
    I live in West London so it's about 15 miles I think to Central London, as I don't drive it will have to be a tube there and again I find travelling on public transport hard as I feel that everyone is staring at me.
    This probably stems from the bullying I encountered at school.
    I would love to find someone even to go out with and I don't necessarily mean a boyfriend just someone as a friend.
    I did think about the Bear scene and as I am so nervous I just cannot see me being able to do this.
    Something has to change soon because as each day passes the pain grows stronger.
     
  8. Moodlighter

    Moodlighter Guest

    Can I just suggest that it looks to me like you are looking for reasons to keep yourself where you are:

    "as I don't drive it will have to be a tube there and again I find travelling on public transport hard as I feel that everyone is staring at me"

    "I did think about the Bear scene and as I am so nervous I just cannot see me being able to do this."

    Of course it is going to be hard, and you will be nervous. That is just part of it. You say "something has to change"...where do you think this change will come from? Do you think your feelings will suddenly decide to stop being nervous?

    In my view, there is no sneaky way AROUND it. You may have all the counselling and online forum support in the world. Eventually it will just come down to YOU facing it, and going through it. That is the only way my feelings changed. You can start small - like in that video HOW TO BE ALONE. Please watch it. Start with a coffee in a coffee shop. Go to a public but quiet place like a library or park. Chillout in the sun. Go for a glass of wine at a bar and sit outside..... build up. Maybe the bear/clubbing scene is not for you, but maybe it could be if you tried it. And you can make real thing of it. Go out one evening and enjoy the London atmosphere. Go to a bar. Then on to a club, then come out when it closes and get yourself a breakfast in a cafe.

    I did similar and I ended up meeting two very nice and interesting people to talk to. It is amazing how simple it can be fella. But the change comes from YOU making an action.

    As for public transport, again. F*** it. Forget about people. Take a book, take your music or whatever and occupy yourself 'til you get to where you are going. :slight_smile:

    People staring at you? You think you are the only one who is self-conscious? 99% of people are - they just dont show it. Everyone is comparing themselves to everyone else really. In fact that is part of life - to reflect on yourself from others. But let that be your INSPIRATION...not your fear. If they stare, let 'em. On the flip-side of this business about people being self-conscious....many people are also so involved in their own worlds.

    Where are you going to start, mate? What will be your first action?
     
    #8 Moodlighter, Jul 3, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 3, 2013
  9. Moodlighter

    Moodlighter Guest

    AH! You're into photography! There you go! You have something arty you can give a go (I don't know how advanced you are??) Go out and snap some piccies!
     
  10. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    I have been doing photography for about 28 years. I used to sell and advice people on buying cameras.
    With me it's the whole confidence issue as I also walk with a bit of a limp as I had thrombosis about 6 years ago which damaged some veins in my leg.
    I have joined a meet up site which has various events every now and then so that's a possibility and I have been looking at local clubs.
    Why is it so dam hard though ?
    With each day that passes I feel that the storm clouds are getting heavier upon my shoulders so something has to give soon !
     
  11. Moodlighter

    Moodlighter Guest

    It's hard because you got big bloody difficulties in your way. But they are challenges...obstacles if you will. They are not impassable. They are not defeatable.

    Did you watch that vid? What are your thoughts/feelings on it? Does it resonate with you?
     
  12. leer

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    Hello Gavin . reading your first post was difficult stuff that has happened to you and your still fighting your a born survivor Gavin. I know we all get knock back's in life but I honestly dont think i could cope with what you went through especially with your mum nearly lost my dad last year with a stroke I honestly dont know what i would do if i lost either . Ive got nothing but the highest respect for you Gavin I really hope you can get out more join some local groups its survivors like you that people relate to .I know am only 20 still wet behind the ear' maybe but I find mature guys like your self quite sexy if you dont mind me saying .
     
  13. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    Thanks you it's nice to know that someone cares x(*hug*)
     
    #13 gavguy, Jul 4, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 4, 2013
  14. Dublin Boy

    Dublin Boy Guest

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  15. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    Thank you I will check it out:icon_bigg

    ---------- Post added 4th Jul 2013 at 12:14 PM ----------

    I haven't looked at it yet but I will do later, thanks
     
  16. gavguy

    gavguy Guest

    I just watched it and found it quite powerful, it does make sense.
    It may be difficult but it certainly did give me some things to think about, thank you.