I just talked to my wife about how I have been feeling and my attraction to other men. Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am fortunate enough that she was rather supportive of it. However, She and I have no idea what is next. Still confused but feel that I am heading in the right direction, and still really really shaky. I am not sure if I am happy or scared about what will happen next. After all we have a beautiful baby together. :eek:
Wow, good for you for coming out, and what courage you have to face an uncertain future! I wish you the best of luck, come here often, I expect you will find much support...
Coming out to a spouse can be scary. I came out to my husband about 3 months ago. It was difficult, but he is understanding about it. It takes time to adjust. I suggest that you two keep an open dialogue and support each other the best you can. There are times my husband has asked me questions that I assumed he understood, but hearing me answer them really made him feel better. Good luck!
Congratulations! I haven't made it to that point yet. I've only recently admitted to myself that I'm gay, and although I want to come out to my wife, I haven't found the courage to do so yet. If I may ask, how did you come out?
I dropped subtle hints and such. Then, there was a conversation that I was able to tie into it. It was a matter of telling myself, "If I don't do this now, it won't happen." I figured she would be the best person to talk to and went for it. Good luck, drs.
Thanks... I hate knowing that I need to come out and not having the strength to do it! Hope everything goes well for you!
Hi, One of the first things I suggest is Dr. Joe Kort's wonderful book "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love." The book has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding yourself, and talks at length about the challenge for gay men in heterosexual marriages. The second suggestion is to work really hard to keep communication lines open. Expect that she will go through the 5 stages of loss in some form (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and so there will almost certainly be ups and downs. Accept and expect that, and do your best to listen, stay engaged, and be respectful. That will do a lot to encourage long-term cooperation. There are plenty of gay dads previously married to women, and as long as both of you stay engaged and work together, your child should have no adjustment problems, nor should your child have any problem accepting you when s/he is old enough to understand what it means. It takes a lot of courage to address the issue, and you are *much* better off for having done so early rather than spending many years stuck in a marriage that wouldn't truly work. While it's tough for both of you, it will ultimately work out for the better.
I admire your bravery and courage so much. Thank you for sharing this and best of luck for the future
Hi there. Just came out to my wife too. Scariest, bravest, most humbling experience of my life. We're both still trying to get our heads around this new reality, but my wife has been amazing so far. As she said, "well, at least our marriage will never be boring." So great to know i am not alone on this journey, but that there are other brave souls here on EC.
I am really happy for you and glad you had the courage to come out to your wife but on another note and I don't want to come across rude when I say this but honestly how did you have a child with her? Like if you are gay how did you even get too the position of having a child with her? I am probably being naive but I don't understand... How did you even have sex if you aren't attracted to her? Like how did you force the issue and just ignore your emotions?
Hi Witness lost and Jupitrsa Congratulations to you both on taking this very big and difficult but necessary step in becoming the real you, even though the road ahead is uncertain and will be bumpy you have done the right thing. I came out to my very supporting wife of 25 years 3 months ago when the pain of doing nothing and staying in a state of limbo exceeded the pain of the possible breakup of our marriage. I had reached a real low point of my life and did not want to go on living so something had to change. The last 3 months have been very surreal and I am still trying to come to terms that I have actually come out to my wife. So I list below what has happened, perhaps it will help you. I certainly did not know what to expect. • We agreed to stay together in an open marriage with me seeing guys when I need to. Since we had not had sex for a long time she felt like she was not losing or even sharing that part of me, it was like it was outside of the marriage anyway. • My wife although seemingly accepting of me being gay does not want me coming out to our parents or my sister. She also does not want me coming out to our gay next door neighbours because she doesn’t know who they may tell. All this makes me feel as though I have not come out of the closet; it feels like she has stepped into my closet. Although much pressure has been relieved and I can be honest about myself I still feel somewhat trapped. • Whilst I was closeted I tried to keep my checking out of other guys, when in public with my wife, very low key. Now I am out I feel uncomfortable doing it in her presence now I know she knows I do it. My Wife has noticed other guys checking me out and the other week when a rather obvious gay guy on the checkout at our local garden centre served us we got an unexplained discount after an “he knew, that I knew, that he knew” eye contact . She asked me if I knew the guy and if I had been checking him out; I had never spoken to the guy before and was not purposely checking him out because he was not my type. • Since coming out I have become much more aware of “my type” and put this down to starting to assume my own gay identity. I have found myself attracted to guys I never would have thought of before … possibly because before my thoughts were all about sex. I also found that my fantasies have changed, before my thoughts were all about being bottom, but now I dream of being top with one type of guy whilst bottoming for another type. I guess that now I am starting to be my true self I am allowing myself to build a better view of my world. • My wife has not yet discussed this with any of her friends or followed up on the idea of getting therapy for herself. I don’t know what to make of this but I think she needs to talk to someone. • My wife said she is ok with me meeting guys for sex in a NSA or FWB, but not a relationship, and has even suggested fixing me up with a fireman that she knows and thinks is gay. Although I seemingly have permission to play, and desperately want too, I don’t yet feel she has had enough time to get used to what she said she would agree to. Whilst she has been away on many business trips I have had the opportunity to go out and play but did not because it felt like cheating. • I have tried various phone and computer apps for chatting to folks but so far not met up with anyone. It’s like I am still waiting for my wife to give the OK but I have not had the courage to tell her I want to go out and play so she can’t ok it. • I have been surprised how many younger guys have contacted me on the various phone apps, perhaps I don’t look my age (check my profile page for current photo), or could it be they are looking for a sugar daddy. • I found I have become obsessive in collecting still photos of gay porn; I never used to do this I just looked occasionally, now it’s interfering with my life. The difference now is that I find myself looking at the guys face not his junk or what he is doing, It’s like everything has just become much more personal and I can imagine being with this person rather than just sex with this guy. • I found that I like the idea of waking up next to a guy even stronger than before, possibly more important than sex. This is potentially even more of a problem since we agreed to have an open marriage and I don’t know how sleep overs would go down, I think it’s could be the start of a slippery road into a relationship.So still early days yet and I don’t know if this has helped you as you sail into uncharted waters but it is what has happened to me so far. SaleGayGuy
Witness Lost, hope you don't mind me sharing this thread. SaleGayGuy, it's great to hear that all our stories are so different, yet they come from a place so similar. (*hug*) I had quite a traumatic childhood, so had repressed a LOT of things, one being that I was attracted to men. Had no idea until the birth of my first child, when all these thoughts and memories started surfacing. Was really freaked out and have felt very low at times over the last few years, even though my life can appear perfect from the outside - wonderful wife, 3 kids, great family, awesome friends, good job, etc etc. I decided 3 weeks ago that it was time now, after almost 10 years of denying this part of me (which at times felt like a cancer), to start accepting that this attraction to men is real, is me and is here to stay. The last 3 weeks have been the most anxiety-laden, yet liberating, of my entire life. A week ago I started chatting with a really cool guy online (he's gay). We have skyped and messaged back and forth daily since meeting. There has been no sexual contact at all yet (virtual or otherwise), but there is massive mutual attraction. I know that at some point we will meet up, but I couldn't do that without first letting my wife know about this "other" side of me. We are best friends and I would never be able to live with myself if I betrayed her like that. So last Friday we had THE talk. I started right at the beginning and we went through it all. I was so frightened she would reject me, leave, etc. but she was unbelievable. I have so much shame about what happened when i was a child, but discussing it with her has really allowed me to start letting it go. We both decided that i should see a therapist, so I'm going to start therapy next week. I definitely don't want to leave my wife. I am still very attracted to her, but i also have a need to explore this other side of me. Most days I just feel so fucked-up! And this connection I have with this other guy is so real and so completely unexpected (never thought a relationship with a man could make me feel like that). So therapy is much needed!!! Anyway, that's the very brief version of my story and it is so liberating to be able to share it with all of you here on EC. Thanks for being so supportive of people during their times of crisis! :eusa_clap
You should be congratulated for telling your wife and sharing your true feelings. It's a very hard things to do especially when you are married, which is far more difficult than if you was just telling a friend. I'm sure your wife deep down does appreciate your honesty which may be very hard at first, but with the help and support from her and this forum of course you will be able to improve things. Good luck :icon_bigg
Well done, :newcolor: I can't imagine the courage that took to to that. That's good she is supportive of you. I really hope thing's go well for you. It must be hard when in a marriage and doing that, I admire your courage because I know there are many people who haven't come out to their wife or husband yet. Wishing you all the best. :king:
