I just had an oral exam and I fucked it up! It was just basic questions on my project I've done all year and I made a complete fucking mess of it. Apologies for swearing, but I'm fucking pissed off and I need to vent. It's probably ruined all my work up until now, I'm not gonna graduate and I only have myself to blame. I've been planning to post a topic for ages, but I've been too embarrased. I usually start typing then through typing realise that I should just shut up and get over it. I still can't sleep, I've gotten at most 6 hours in the last few days, and it's not as if I'm even finding distractions from my work. I spent yesterday in some sort of daze, oblivious to how fast time was passing, only came on EC for an hour, only watched TV for half an hour and couldn't even bring myself to listen to any music. Apart from my laughable performance this morning, I haven't spoken to anyone in days. I just feel incredibly alone. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I've seen my two best friends only a couple of times this last month and it just feels they're slipping even further away. I have one friend at uni, who I only see a couple of times a week, and I'll hopefully see her in a few hours, but when I do I can't tell her how bad I'm feeling, I have to joke and smile otherwise she'll get bored of me. This is my last day at uni, after this I'm not really gonna see her again. I always push people away, my life is filled with people I've connected with, but I push them away, or bore them away and then I'm left with no one. I can't talk to people without saying something wrong or not reacting in the right way. I don't want to push my friend away but I know I will. See how boring I am I know what I should do. Get counselling or get off my arse and do something, it's so difficult. Counselling isn't an option, I don't even know if it's possible where I live, even if it was I don't have any money. My uni has counselling, I was supposed to go every few months, never went, I was too depressed. Now I've got 2 weeks left, it's a bit late. After my exams I have a couple of weeks of nothing. I live on my own, I have no friends, but this is the only time I think I have to sort myself out. Because after that, I have a 3 week job thing, which could possibly lead to my future but as I've fucked up my degree it probably won't lead to anything. Anyway, after that, I'll be an adult. I'll be in the real world, I'm supposed to know what I'm doing with my life, I haven't a clue. I'll have disappointed those few people interested in me. Every night for the last week I've been praying to die, not suicide, I'm not considering that, but some sort of humorous accident where I get decapitated by a falling log or something. It hasn't happened yet though The odd thing is, I have no interest in getting a boyfriend, I don't have any crushes anymore, I don't really have any motivation for coming out. I might do it after September, there are 2 family weddings coming up and I'd have to wait for them to clear before I say anything. I don't see the point of still being in the closet, no one gives a shit about me when they think I'm straight, why would being gay make that different Sorry this is so long and rambling, and I don't usually swear this much. I wonder if there's a maximum word count, there really should be to stop this sort of twaddle. I just wanted to share the shit that goes on my head. I'm sorry, you all deserve better. The fact is other people have bigger problems than I do. I just need a good kick up the arse. Fuck it, I've just decided I'm gonna hop on a train after uni and go home, see my parents for the weekend. Hopefully some space, some fresh air and some clean underwear will do me the world of good. I can't talk to my parents, but at least I wont' be alone. Anyway it means I won't be back on EC for a while, hopefully you can all just forget I said anything, or if you do want to reply just give me a dancing banana, seeing it is so far cheering me
Wow, my life suddenly feels better in comparison. You may have stuffed up on the test, but I'm sure that under extenuating circumstances (Like depression, or something like that, not saying you are depressed) you could get another shot. I will probably never know how you feel and how pissed off you are, but taking a break from it all should help. Before you make any hasty decisions, you should think it through. If you are angry now, you (probably) won't be angry forever. A wrong choice can last for a while. Even if you only have a little time still left for counselling at your uni, just go and see if you can get someone to talk to in person about this. Your life is not just judged by a stupid test. All of the work you have done to this point is going to count for more than a little oral exam. I should probably open the floor to someone with a better understanding of this. Hope you get it to work out. ((!) Here you go.)
(!) Okay, just so you know, I doubt that your oral exam went half as badly as you think. You probably at least passed, if not with good marks. You were probably nervous, and the examiners do take that into account when you have an oral exam. I hope that things work out with you on that front. People do want you here Davo. EC is a place where we try to help everyone fit in and feel welcome. I'm sure your topics would be well received if you posted them. We want to hear you and see you as much as we can and help you out. You're a lovely caring person, you think about your replies when other people ask for for help. You're a valued member of EC. Try to talk to someone in person about how you feel. It'd do you so much good. It really helps to say things out loud to get them off your chest. Have a good weekend at your parents. Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me anytime.
Hi Davo: I'm sure you did just fine on your exam. We always think that we did worse than we actually did just because we lose our perspective on it. Profs and teachers often don't judge as harshly as we tend to think they do, in particular during oral examinations. As it was about your project, they know you know the stuff. Don't worry about it. I'm sure you did fine and you will pass the exam.(!) If you feel that you need to talk to someone, it is never too late to see a counselor at your uni. Sometimes even just one meeting can help in getting some perspectives on some of the issues we feel depressed about. I'm sure that a counselor can provide you with infos on community groups or individuals in the community that could help you in dealing with feeling alone. Maybe you could join a community group (often membership is for free) which could help you with connecting up with new people. I think your friend would be a good person to talk to. Why do you think she (or your other friends) will think that you are boring if you are not funny or smiling? I'm sure that you are not boring. From what you have written it seems to me that maybe it is just a matter of opening up a bit and being yourself and letting other people know how you feel and what you're going through. Even though your friend is moving away, try maintaining the contact with her. Keep in mind: YOU ARE NOT ALONE....if you need to talk or just vent...there are over 900 EC members and I am sure that there will always be someone that will listen and be there for you. Hope this helps.
Stop worrying about the exam, what is done is done, now you just have to wait for the results until you plunge further into depression. I know exactly what you are saying and how you feel but I am sure that your friend would be more than happy to help you through this difficult time. You don't HAVE always to be the life and soul of the party! You friend would probably be quite insulted to think that you don't feel that you can confide in her. Friends are for the good times and the bad. Of course if you only every moan and complain everytime you see her she will soon get fed up with it. All friends know... that's part of friendship, that from time to time you have to help pick your friends up off the floor. Would you be happy to help your friend? Yes? Well then why shouldn't she feel the same about you? As for not especially wanting a b/f, hey one thing at a time, you can't do everything all at once and of course if you are feeling down about your life thoughts of a b/f have to be put on the back burner for a while untill things are going better for you in your head and in your life. Stop being so hard on yourself. I think it is a very good idea for you to hop on the train and go and see your parents, it will get you out of the house for a bit. Good for you. Even if you have to force yourself a bit, again, good for you. I know it is not the same, but you are not completely alone, feel free to PM me if things get too bad in your head. I have been there, I may not be able to help much but I will listen and send you some (*hug*) (*hug*)
I think the expression is "catastrophizing"... Attaching more importance to a bad event than it deserves. And if that is'nt the expression - then I just made that up. But boy... do I know how you feel. At least I used to. I felt unworthy. I felt that I was a burden to everyone and anyone around me. I felt that everyone was better than me, that what I was doing didn't and wouldn't ever amount to anything. I wanted to and hoped to die. I assumed everyone would be better off without me. It was all untrue. I'm sure it's untrue withyou as well. It's just that - like me - you couldn't see it through the depression and the faulty thinking that takes over. Things aren't all black or white, good or bad, now or never... You don't need to 'fix yourself' in the next 3 weeks. The fact of the matter is, you can't. But you CAN start to work on yourself in those 3 weeks. Getting some exercise is always good - whether you want to or not. Getting lots of rest will help too. These are likely two things you've done without as your school year came to a close. So take the time now to catch up. Seeing a counsellor at university would be a great idea - even if it's just to point you in the right direction in terms of next steps or finding a more permanent counsellor. I'd also recommend sharing all this with your doctor. You sound terribly depressed, and your doctor should be aware. I don't want to come across as a pill-pusher, but my life certainly made a turn for the better when I started taking a mild anti-depressant. It might make a world of difference to you as well. And like others have said - you're never alone. There is always one of us here that would be willing to talk to you. PM me, or set me up on MSN messenger. I know how dark and lonely a place you're in right now because I've been there too - and you don't need to be there. There is hope, and there is light, and if there's anything I can do to help you I will.
Davo. I dont know many people on this forum, and Ive got alot of catching up to do... lots of reading, and lots of responding. But somthing that I will remember is that, my first problem, the first time I need help from this place. You were there, and you responded first. If it means anything, you touched my heart that day, to think that someone else would take time to help me through my problems. And Im only happy to be here when you need a shoulder. I dont know how your presentation went, I was not there. But how I would love to go to scottland one day. Australia is a very meh place... no where to go but water in each direction. Ive never left this place, Ive never been to France like you, or learnt another language how Im missing out. I dont really know how to reassure you with your situation. But I do know a few things. You encourage and support every memeber you talk to on this forum. Im yet to read a cold post from you. We here at EC will all await your return from your weekend with your family. Hopefully during that time you will have seen that life isnt so bad, and that you are loved by many people. Even ones you dont see often. All I hope is you dont make any rash decisions whilst you wait for your results. Its just one step in your ever growing future. Its a step that will define you, and only make you stronger. We are all here, any time. Ready to chat about anything, so dont hold back P.S. This is my first dancing banana, and its my gift to you (!)
Ah, need not to worry too much about it. As usual, last Saturday, I fucked up my Numerical Methods exam BIG time. I lost my sleep, I almost lost my sanity, and even got a bout of constipation. It sucked. I wish to blame myself, but that lecturer is really crappy. I hate to blame the lecturer, but since many of my dudes and the other college kids are complainin' about him, there is not much choice. So, I braced myself for the worst, if it's an F, he had better give it NOW. He's fucking up my paper, not me. I had done my best. But still, I don't really shove all my blames to him, 'cause partly I have a blame to be shared. Have you vent it out to your best friend as well? I vented this thing to three of my best compadres and I felt damn relieved.
The first thing to do is speak with a personal tutor at university. They should be able to help you and possibly book you an appointment with a councillor. As it is nearly the end of the year it's very important that you do get things sorted. There is no use worrying about the exam because Louise has correctly pointed out that it's done with. You can't change that so concentrate on what can be changed. Speaking to somebody at university will hopefully help get things made easier for you. I'm not sure about the options of resitting the exam et al, but it's something they can discuss with you. It isn't over yet so you need to go and look into such arrangements. Universities are prepared for these scenarios and should be able to help ease your situation. You just need to be willing to approach them first. Now, they will probably want you to go to a councillor. You may not want to, but you also need to be willing to help yourself. It's evident you cannot do it alone and the fact your education is suffering makes it that whole lot worse. It may feel uncomfortable at first but we all have to do things we do not like. Once you adapt to the idea then you should settle into it well and fingers crossed your studies will start falling into place again. Something like university is not ideal for those with depression, but having a study alongside therapy sessions is an excellent mix because it allows you to measure how effective you think you're recovering rather than having a councillor telling you how you're doing. It's not the nicest situation to be in, but universities are willing to help its students if they need it. It's very important you make arrangements to make things easier for yourself otherwise you'll be fighting a losing battle. Take advantage of the situation and do everything you can togive yourself the best fighting chance. You're at a very important part in your life and you want to be able to come out of it on top. Not feeling in the mood is not a valid reason for not wanting councilling, and you may regret it if you try and recover alone.
I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better but with respect to knowing what to do with your life once you finish uni, I had NO idea what to do when I finished and I was one of those people that most people (including myself) thought would go on to do "great things." Instead I spent 10 years or so doing very ordinary mundane things (at least in terms of my working life) and to be honest, I have a bit more of a clue what I want to do with my life now (or at least a REALLY good idea what I don't want to do) and a bit of a plan but it still kinda scares me shitless and I usually doubt I'll ever feel CERTAIN of what path I'm on. The thing is, there are very, very few people in life who know what they want to do and then go and do that. What there are a ton of is people who think they know what they want to do or, worse, don't think about what they want to do, and just go do that, usually following a very set path that has been trod by millions of people before them. Not having or faking that certainty at the period you're at (leaving school) is very, very hard, I know. But beating yourself up over the fact that you can't see your future all laid out for you like some bright shiny bauble just makes what you're going through infinitely worse, because you have to give yourself permission to be confused and room to sort yourself out, because if you don't, you can be sure very few others will. You do sound as if you feel your world is caving in on you, and I'm at least somewhat familiar with that feeling so I know how awful it must be. One thing that helped me was to focus on what I had rather than everything that was wrong or missing in my life. Not out of some need to enumerate all the reasons I was a self-pitying fool because I had so much more than 90% of the rest of the people on the planet but to honestly counter the notion that I had nothing and no one. You have to make room for some hope, whatever way you can. I think you already know that. So you make as much room for that hope as you can and then you ask for help. And you keep asking and searching and looking for help as hard as you can, and in whatever form comes along or is available, whether that be counselling or psychiatric meds or friends or parents or a new job or higher powers or even a really beautiful day. Because you owe that to yourself. Not to us or your friends or your parents or even society... just to yourself.
A big thank you to all of you for replying. Your help and support really meant a lot to me, for some reason I didn't expect you all to be so kind, I forget how great a forum this is So it was good to get away for a few days, I had a fun weekend, but now I'm back and my problems are still there. Oh well. I made an effort to talk to a couple of my friends, it didn't really go well, but it at least opened up the lines of communication. (I'm understating how badly it went, my best friend used the expression 'I can't believe I'm missing Lost for this!' Hopefully he meant the night out rather than my company, but he meant my company) I'm not going to dwell on everything. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone, but more important is that I'm disappointing myself. I need to work on that, making myself happy with what I've done. I still have a couple of weeks before my main exams and I'm trying to regain focus. I've also e-mailed the counselling service at my uni, I don't know what to expect, but I might as well try it while I have the chance. On Thursday, someone on my course who I never really talk to, she saw I was looking really down, came up and talked to me. That, and the support from this forum has shown that there really are nice people out there. One day, I'd like to be one of them
Hey - good for you! Perhaps you're friends aren't really as great as they should be. I'm not sure it's fair of them to complain about your company in such a back-handed way. And I mean - get a PVR if you're worried about missing LOST. Good for you for taking the steps that you have in the past few days. Keep in mind that you can only be disappointed when you set expectations for yourself. Perhaps you've been expecting too much from yourself. And yes - once you've got yourself on the right path, you'll be able to help others in their time of need.
