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I'm a mess, In a standstill

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tired_of_lying411, Jan 23, 2007.

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  1. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    I feel like a huge ball of swirling confusion, and the worlds rushing past me.

    I don't even know why I'm posting this, I know theres no easy solution for this... I just need to do something.

    I am so lazy. In general, but especially now. I just want everything to have happened already, I have no concept of practice makes perfect, and never really have. I just try to do amazing things and when it doesn't work, I give up.
    And that's affecting me hard right now.

    But more, I'm just in a huge mess. I feel like I'm asleep all the time, but trapped in a terrible dream. I'm constantly over analyzing everything that's big, and underthinking everything else. I just feel like a spectator in my own life as a movie. Kind of like I'm on auto-mode... using the minimal amount of resources to make like I'm doing just fine. No one else can tell, but on the inside, I'm boiling over.

    Theres times when I explode over nothing. And then i start thinking about that, and obsess like I am right now.

    I look at the friends I value. I look at myself. I look at us, how we are. Together. And when the people I love and cherish are talking to me, I'm paying them no attention, instead, allowing stupid things to run through my head. Things like "how can you not think I'm gay? Maybe you do, and you're just being nice. I'd hate that. Why are we friends?" .

    And it kills me. I look at my friends and realize that I don't know them. I'm not comfortable with them. I can't feel okay anymore. It's fucking me up.

    I won't let them in, and I know, sub-consciously, I blame them. It's never my fault.

    School is suffering. But is it really? I mean maybe I'm right. Maybe it is totally useless, for me at least. Maybe it doesn't matter that I didn't do my Oceans project. I mean, it was my computer's fault. If it had have been working, I would be passing it in tomorrow, and instead, I will giving her an excuse, and my mark will drop. But I'm not going to fail, so why bother?

    This is my life right now. I am completely consumed by my own thoughts. I think I'm depressed, but it all seems so trivial. Why do I matter? And how can I say things like that.

    How can I bitch about all of this? I guess i think that anyone who reads all this deserves to hear my crap. I guess I can deflect the blame from myself if someone anonymous decides to get involved in this on their own. And maybe I'm looking for acceptance and meaning.

    But there I go again. I cant stop. I'm just so alienated right now. And I do it all to myself. I immerse myself in things so I can't feel and don't have to get involved in life. I think that's how I have always dealt with things. I have always been wanting to hide in plain sight. And being as 'default' as possible was the way to go. Now I want to be me. I'm getting an urge to be out, and I'm seeing things in me that scare me. I'm noticing myself in new ways. I always thought I was so imperceivable, and now I know I have always been an open book. Which is all a contradiction.

    That's another thing I do a lot now. I get deep in thought and then realize it's all to no point. That I can prove or disprove it all, either way.

    I need to stop busying myself with pointless thought.

    Reflection has officially turned me inside out, and I can't tell anyone. Because what would they think then?

    Fuck I sound like I'm on the verge of killing myself, but I swear I'm not. Only in danger of being found out. My mom is starting to notice how I'm falling apart. My shortcomings are weaving themselves into a pattern.

    And I don't know what this is. That, I guess is the worst part. Like the way I am has paralyzed me from ever being able to dig myself out of this mess.

    I'm stuck in a maze of my own issues.

    Fuck this is long. I really don't expect anyone to read this.
     
    #1 tired_of_lying411, Jan 23, 2007
  2. LorenzG1950

    LorenzG1950
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    Hi Brenton,

    Yeah I read it all. Sounds to me like you are suffering from depression and that might require medical help. If you’re mom is noticing the signs, why not talk to her about it.

    From what I can discern, you’re suffering from anxiety about the changes you want to make in your life. What makes it hard is that your self esteem is not exactly bubbling over. First of all, you’re not in any kind of mess. You are simply in the process of finding your identity and are confronted with the challenge of revealing that identity to others.

    You’re putting way too much emphasis on what others MIGHT think about you. Much more important is what you think about yourself and becoming comfortable with the person you want to be. That’s not easy and it doesn’t happen in a day. You have to look for the signs of encouragement and support that you get from your family and friends. They already like you now. Just think how much more they’ll like the “new and improved” you when you become totally at ease with yourself (and being gay).

    It is perfectly normal to distract yourself with less important things when you don’t want to (or can’t) solve the bigger problems. Whenever I need to escape from the real world, I record music CD’s, pick my favorite songs for the mood and put them into a super collection, then listen to the results. It’s about like painting or playing with photo graphics. Sometimes the results are lousy but it gives your brain a breather which sounds like what you need at the moment.

    However, we all need to continue to focus on those things that are really important, like eating, getting enough sleep, and not letting school suffer as a result of our mood. Sometimes a good 12 hours of sleep just lets your brain relax and you can begin the new day with a fresh start, even if you encountered bad news yesterday or last week. Let’s face it, some of us get more emotionally involved in what happens around us compared to our straight counterparts, hence the term “drama queen”. So we need more tender, loving care to get over rough times:slight_smile: .

    Having the ability to analyze things down to the finest detail is a gift to be proud of. But we also have to learn when we are killing ourselves with analysis. Sometimes you have to follow your intuition, that first thing that pops into your mind. Very often it will be the correct choice. Over-analysis will put us in a state of doubt until we are unable to make any decision at all.

    As for the maze of issues, it helps to put them on paper, sorting them by level of importance and whether you can really do something about them. Give the issues a priority and then start working on some of them, not all of them at once.
    Take pride in yourself when you’ve resolved one of the issues, even if it’s something smaller and less important. It builds your confidence and ability to handle the bigger issues.

    OK that was long too. Hope there is something of value buried in there. Look at the bright side. You are becoming a very good analyst. Maybe it’s just a case of the winter blues(*hug*) .
     
    #2 LorenzG1950, Jan 24, 2007
  3. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    Okay... I think that getting all that out made me feel a lot better. It's all there now. I can see how I am when I'm in a down mood, and I can work on it, and realize it's something I have to work on now.

    I think a lot of it has to do with the recent subject in math. It seems that 90% of the class doesn't understand it at all. And the teacher still thinks we're all just lazy and that it couldn't be his fault.

    I have received 3 terrible marks because of this : 5/10 on a quiz, 64% on an assignment, and the ultimate lowest ever mark in my history : 59% on the unit test.

    Now in comparison, the highest mark on the quiz was 8... and most made below 5. The assignments were also low. So it's really just the test that I bombed, and I wasn't alone there either.

    Anyhow, that's pretty much over now. So that's good.

    And the oceans project REALLY was my computer's fault. Which sounds like an excuse, but it's an internal memory thing... So the teacher understood and has given me one extra day :eusa_danc

    So I guess things have momentarily gotten a little better.

    But I am really thinking this could have something to do with depression....

    <EDIT> It seems long is is the hot trend on this thread hahaha.
     
    #3 tired_of_lying411, Jan 24, 2007
  4. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Well i'm not sure if i extracted the full body of that post but i did read it and something popped out that i have some idea about and want to discuss.

    First of all, i just want to say how creepy it is that your issues seem to be totally indentical to mine save for the few months that yours start after mine. Not to freak you out or anything.

    Anyway. With regards to the feeling your in this "ball of confusion" or something i used to indentify it as a feeling of being detached. The best the for something like that is a change. When you bring change into your life it forces your mind to recognise it. Forces it into reality, into the open. However, with you on the slopes of depression this may or may not be a good idea. Change in a healthy person is good, change in a depressed person could turn ugly.

    So, considering your depression, here's a couple of changes that has their risks but if they work, it'll pull you out pretty quick.

    Coming out to someone you've feared but have some hope for: Dangerous if it turns belly up but, if you know yourself well enough that if it doesn't work, you won't commit suicide, then i recommend you do it anyway...you see it's a change it could get ugly, yes but its forcing your mind into reality.

    Evaluate your religion, does it make you truely happy in every aspect: This is quite low risk but maybe it's a bigger problem than you think. Religion has great, great influence on all of us who celebrate it. If religion condemns any part of you, chances are it's going to push you quite low. And i'm not just refering to homosexuality.

    Change your schedule, diet, or living space significantly: This is a little higher risk than the last but moderately lower than the first. The mind responds differently in every person to change in life style. What we eat, where we live and what we do, when done in habit for too long, creates a sense of drearyness and sometimes can cause depression when mixed with other factors.

    -With regards to diet, if you have alot of the same meals every week, switch it up a little, incorperate some new food (contact me for some nice recipes if you like).
    -Your living space, if you find you've had the same bed sheets for forever or they just seem a little bland, save us some money and get some stylish orange and yellows or something, not and eye sore but something adventurous and lively, sure to surprise you mind. This goes for other living space items like paint on your walls, configuration of furniture etc. Try moving things around
    -If on weekends you always go to a movie with your friends and it's just not exciting anymore or if you just sit at home doing nothing, try something new. Go play in the snow, go sliding, don't do the same thing two weekends in a row. Now, warning, i wouldn't touch anything like schedules for homework, because that could lead to procrastination and there be beasts in that side of the sea. So try not to mess around with everyday life stuff like what time you eat, because there's a point where repeatition is good, and mealtime and homework time is defintely two of those points.
     
    #4 Proud1p4, Jan 24, 2007
  5. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    I hope those tips helped...please do give them a try, i really don't want the problems i had end up the same way in you. I hope they won't make it worse either, keep in mind this is just one strategy.

    A better idea is to see a psycologist regularily, they are the professionals and it might be hard to ask your parents about it but if it's your life on the line, them being suspicious is MUCH better than you six feet under.
     
    #5 Proud1p4, Jan 24, 2007
  6. suburbs_of_sodom

    suburbs_of_sodom
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    Talk to your friends. Hold a conversation with one of them who knows because, chances are, they've noticed something and also probably know you the best, so they're the ones who can really help you.

    And definitely TRY to talk to a proffessional. Like you said, there are definitely barriers regarding your parents, but if you think that you might have a medical condition, you need to explain everything to you mom and really try to get her to get you one. In my experience, if you play the "I'm doing poorly in school because of a complete lack of motivation" card, parents will generally try to do everything to keep you on track. And it's probably a good idea to talk to your teachers before hand just so when they say "go talk to your teachers if you're not understanding something," you can say "I already did, and it's not my not getting it that's holding me back, it's my lack of motivation etc..."

    Good luck.
    -Chris
     
    #6 suburbs_of_sodom, Jan 24, 2007
  7. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    Well I'm really surprised at the response. It feels nice to know that there's people out there who care.

    To proud : This march break, I actually plan on changing my room a little :eusa_danc And I do think that will be a help.

    I also feel like I'm edging closer and closer to telling my dad. I think I'm mostly just scared of the fact that I MIGHT be starting to accept myself a little. I think some of the thinking was good. And I'm SO glad the math is behind me.

    Today, just minutes after I received my 59% on the test, I was given a HUGE out of place compliment on the props I spent hours on for a French project. She like NEVER talks to me, so it was a big deal for her to say that. It really showed me that I am on the right track as far as school goes. I can use the enjoyment I get out of getting high marks as motivation to finish school with decent marks. And I know the math won't matter when I'm finished high school. I will hopefully be attending an art university, and there are literally no academic courses. It's ALL ART! So it will be perfect for me.

    But I really think I need some counseling. I think I will be having a serious conversation with my mom soon. Maybe this weekend. And like I said, I think I will be telling my dad soon, now.

    He knows. Now all I have to do is talk to my mom about it, and I think it will happen.

    Even just typing this, thinking about it, makes me want it.

    I think I'm getting a little confident that telling him could be enough of a change to get me out of this hole for now.
     
    #7 tired_of_lying411, Jan 24, 2007
  8. Sam

    Sam
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    since I've been a part of this website I have seen you go from trying to figure out how to come out to your dad but generally a happy person to a severely confused and depressed person and its really upsetting to see someone have to go through that and I wish you didn't have to deal with all of this before I came out to my mom I was severely depressed and had some really bad thoughts. Is there anybody that you feel comfortable talking to? someone in your life that can actually sit down with you? If your friends have figured out that your gay and haven't stopped being friends with you maybe its because they don't care who you like and they like you for you. I wish I could offer you some advice. while I was severely depressed at one point and there are some similar things between what you are going through and what I went through a while ago I feel me giving you shitty advice is probably worse then giving you no advice at all. except I hope you can find someone to talk to because I think you really could use it right now even if your afraid to make that first step in talking to someone and the first step is always the hardest but I know you can do it. we all want to see you happy again and we are all here to support you and I really wish you the best. and whether you believe it or not there are plenty of people that care about YOU not who you happen to like
    I wish you the very best,
    Sam

    P.S. I am so happy to see that you are feeling like you're closer to telling your dad oh and by the way I think it will dramatically change the way you're feeling when you tell him. you would be surprised how much of how you are feeling probably comes right down to the fact that you feel like you need to tell him and haven't done it and its killing you because I'm betting your feeling like its such a simple thing to do yet so hard to actually do it. its so confusing I've had to tell my dad not to long ago and thats exactly how I felt like fuck why is it so easy yet so hard I'm so confused
     
    #8 Sam, Jan 24, 2007
  9. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    exactly... It seems everything here has at least a touch of 'easier said than done'...

    But I guess I'm making that a top~ish priority.
    I do have one friend that I could really talk with. We don't talk like that TOO often, but I'm sure it would be nice. I was actually thinking it might me a good idea right about now. Perhaps she'll come down on the weekend???
     
    #9 tired_of_lying411, Jan 24, 2007
  10. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    I hate how hard I'm making this. I find myself passing time with thoughts of how I could tell my dad I'm gay. And then thinking so why haven't I don't it yet?

    I mean the fact that I live with him means he knows I'm gay, already, so what have I got to loose? My mom's on my side... There's really no downside.

    I know I've turned this into this huge monster that I can't overcome simply because of how I perceive it... But I really have such an off feeling towards it now. I just feel like it's going to be such a "well, duh!" moment that I'll feel stupid about it... Which really doesn't sound so bad, but I have so much crap built up in this action that it just feels like I will really realize how pointless it all was and I'll feel stupid....

    Gosh, I'm really telling myself how good it's going to be when I do tell him with all the stuff above... I'm basically saying it will remove any stigma I have about telling people I'm gay. And he will be another supporter. But it's just not that easy.

    I think my acceptance issues and how I cheated myself into thinking I was fine with it have a lot to do with this. If I am never faced with a situation where everyone knows, it will stay a secret a secret. I will always be able to hide it. But once I have that "security net" of my house... I'll have to start being open about it all. And that scares me more than anything right now...

    WHY?
     
    #10 tired_of_lying411, Jan 29, 2007
  11. nick79

    nick79
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    If coming out to your dad will slay this unhappiness, I suggest you get your mom to tell him.

    Just tell her you're ready for the whole family to know now, and you would like her to tell him. If she asks why, just say you'd prefer it that way.

    You'll build confidence amongst your supportive family and this is a good preparation to being openly out.

    Good luck as always,
    Nick
     
    #11 nick79, Jan 30, 2007
  12. LorenzG1950

    LorenzG1950
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    Hi again,

    I think part of the reason for your anxiety is that once you have accomplished the impossible task (of telling your dad), you have to move on to new challenges such as looking for a partner, building relationships, or coming out to other friends and relatives. That can be a frightening prospect, even more challenging than coming out to your dad. As long as your dad remains the unresolved issue, you can push all of the other things to the back burner.

    One thing about reaching the next phase, at least from my own experience, is that the new phase is enormously fun and really helps build up your confidence. Presuming that your external environment is not totally homophobic, gay life begins to take on a degree of normality and you start becoming much more comfortable with the real you :slight_smile: .
     
    #12 LorenzG1950, Jan 30, 2007
  13. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    Wow... This is all really, really right. It's exactly why I'm effed up. I'm using it to make everything else not matter. And I don't have to deal with my acceptance issues if I'm waiting to tell him first.... and I can pretend that the reason I still haven't told him is because I'm busy dealing with my acceptance issues.

    I guess you're right, getting my mom to tell him makes sense. I was even thinking about it myself just recently, it's just that I have taken the coward's way out every time, and feel that when I really do get around to telling him, it would do good things for me to tell him myself. But I guess if I destroy myself in the meantime, it will likely never happen... so it's really wouldn't be that great of a solution in the end, perhaps.

    I guess, I just feel a bit down on myself for hot having ever said "hey so-and-so, I AM GAY." It's always been me on instant messenger, or in my moms case, she asked me. Ann I had to say was "yes." Or rather, I think she said, "I found this... what does it mean?" And I said, "What do you THINK it means... *tears for the next 2 hours* "

    I just really think I need to do it myself this time. If she does it, then it proves that I am too ashamed to tell him. And that wouldn't do great things for either one of us.

    I guess the thought of him coming to me and saying "you're mother told me...." wouldn't bring me the satisfaction I would get out of telling him myself.

    I guess we could do it together. She could set me up. Do the old "he has something he wants to tell you..." thing, and then I would have no choice, but I would get to say the words and I would be, in my mind, responsible for his knowing. After all, I will have asked her to do the little bit she would do.

    Did I just answer my own question?
    Is this feeling in my stomach the anticipation of that awkward little moment when he tells me to stop crying and that it wasn't much of a surprise, and our laughing? Am I starting to crave this being over and looking forward to my newfound security net of home. Of a, mainly, secret-free family environment?


    Should I end this with a smiley? :icon_bigg
    *cross fingers* ... will I be able to keep this feeling until tomorrow, when I will have a car ride with my mom, after my last exam, to plan this out, and make it happen tomorrow?

    Is it time for me to stop questioning myself and start believing in myself .
     
    #13 tired_of_lying411, Jan 30, 2007
  14. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    Well it's kind of sad that I'm double posting in my own thread.. but wth.
    I half did it! On the way home today, I wold my mom that I wanted to tell dad tonight. It's currently quarter after four here, so I guess I'm doing it after supper? Anyways.. I guess she'll say the whole "Brenton has something he wants to tell you..." And then I'll be able to take it from there.

    I had SUCH anxiety over just getting the words out to her that I wanted to tell him... Hopefully telling him will help me a little more.

    PS I even made myself say "I want to tell dad, that I
    m gay    ... Tonight."

    SO I have officially said the words to someone.. And it feels good in retrospect, knowing I did it... Although I was sure I was going to throw up at the time :icon_smil
     
    #14 tired_of_lying411, Jan 31, 2007
  15. Proud1p4

    Proud1p4 Guest

    Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck. Good luck.

    There i've done my part....but sincerely, i hope everything goes well and since it's about 5:20 there now, you should be pretty damn nervous right about now...just swallow it and get it over with, trust me, you'll feel a whole lot better. Even if it doesn't turn out the way you wanted. At least he knows, and you've tried. (*hug*)
     
    #15 Proud1p4, Jan 31, 2007
  16. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    OMG.. thanks so much.. it still hasn't happened, but thats because I've been hiding in my room, from my mom. You see, we never really set an exact time.
    Reading this whole thread again, and your post in particular has given me the courage to just go upstairs and get it over with.

    See you all soon, hopefully posting in the coming out board :thumbsup:
     
    #16 tired_of_lying411, Jan 31, 2007
  17. tired_of_lying411

    tired_of_lying411
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    OMFG!!! I JUST DID IT!!!!!

    I just told him! My wait is OVER! IT'S ALL OUT NOW!!!! :eusa_danc

    I feel like I'm on top of the world now :icon_bigg

    I will be starting an entry to the Coming Out Stories board now.... cya :eusa_danc
     
    #17 tired_of_lying411, Jan 31, 2007
  18. suburbs_of_sodom

    suburbs_of_sodom
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    YAY!!!! I'm so happy for you!!! That's really amazing. I'm going to the coming out section now :icon_bigg.
     
    #18 suburbs_of_sodom, Jan 31, 2007
  19. step49x

    step49x
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    Congrats! :slight_smile:
     
    #19 step49x, Jan 31, 2007
  20. LorenzG1950

    LorenzG1950
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    Wow!!(!) (!) (!) (!) (!) (!) (!)

    I'm so happy for you. Nothing but good news all over the place:thumbsup: .
     
    #20 LorenzG1950, Feb 1, 2007
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