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I just need some help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by plus7, Jul 7, 2013.

  1. plus7

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    My name is Rob and Im 22 years old, I've known tham Im attracted to guys sice for ever but I never accepted that, trying to convince myself that I could be with a woman and that if I really focused on it, maybe my feelings would change and, somehow, I kinda did convince my self, allways saying that I liked girls and making straigh comment on things, never too exagerated but allways trying to live my life as a straight man.

    But everething changed last year, the last time I've kissed a girl, and it was te most awkward moment of my life. I was kissing her and I felt so uncomfortable, that iI just wanted it to end. She wanted to have sex to what I agreed since I was (and still am) a virgin, so I really wanted to get rid of that stigma. But I couldnt manage to get an erection, I just didn't felt exited at all, I was so uncomfortable that I just wanted to go with it but I couldnt. and she noticed that, but I just blamed it on the alcohol we we're drinking saying that I was just very drunk, but I really wasn't.
    We went back to where our other friends were and I just started to drink more because I wanted her to just leave the idea of having sex with me.
    From that moment on, from that day I began to realize that wow, I really was gay and even if I try to pretend I like girls, I wouldnt be able to hide the fact that I'm so not.

    That's just to make the story short, beacuse my dilema is not being uncfortable with my seaxuality, since I have completely accepted that I'm gay. What I'm afraid is two things: I feel that I've come to realize my reality soooo late that I have created a life of lies about me, not that it would change my life and how it has been until now, but I have created an image of me that is not, and also I dont know what to do, I think ''I'm 22 y/o and havent even had a real first kiss, I havent even met someone, I havent been in love, I havent shared special moments with anyone'' I think I need that, but I'm so scared.

    And the other thing that scares me is about coming out. I've watched videos of people coming out and stuff but I feel non of them relates to me because everething is about coming out to your parents but out of their houses the have been already living a life as homosexuals with their friends maybe. I HAVENT. I am just so alone i dont know what to do, and everyday that passes I feel like Im getting older and older and that I'm even more late while all the other gay people out there have allready lived the things that I am just about to begin.

    I dont know what I expect to get out of this, I think I just wanted to tell someone how I feel and maybe get some advice. If you read this then Thanks for your time.
     
  2. Zam

    Zam
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    Hey,some gay people go as far as mariyng and having children before comming out.
    I do not think it is late to come out.My life is no different after comming out to my family.
    You need someone to talk to.The girl you almost had sex with?She seems like she could be someone you could talk to.
     
  3. LinkLarkin

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    Welcome to EC! You are very much not alone and I think your story reflects the stories of a lot of people here.

    First off, I just want to stress that you have nothing to be worried about. I am 20 and I only came out for the first time a little over a month ago. It's perfectly normal to not come out until your early twenties and believe me when I say that some people do it much, much later.

    Denial is an extremely common stage in coming out. I didn't fully accept I was gay until about a year ago, and it's fantastic that you're now on that page too. That probably means that you're starting to feel ready to come out, and the most important thing to remember is to Take Your Time. Coming out to parents is one of the most difficult things for an LGBTQ person to do - that's why those stories are the ones that people put the most emphasis on. That doesn't mean that coming out to friends isn't difficult as well, but that's usually the best place to start.

    Choose people who you are very close to and know will accept you (if you aren't sure then try subtly asking their opinion on homosexuality first). You just have to find a good moment, take a deep breath and then say it - and believe me, you will be relieved that you got it over with. Once a couple of people know, you can go on the way you have been for a bit longer, or you may find that you become more and more comfortable telling people, and it will eventually feel right to tell your parents.

    About living a life of lies: absolutely do not think that. Sexuality outside the societal norm is an extremely difficult thing for anybody to get their head around, and you are within your rights to take as long as you need to figure it all out for yourself. Some people may be surprised that it's taken you so long to tell them if you've known them for a long time, but they should understand how difficult it is for an LGBTQ person to internally accept themselves and then feel comfortable enough to tell others.

    In terms of missing out on experiences - you're young! 22 is still far too early to worry about not having had a first kiss/boyfriend etc. - now that you're comfortable with yourself, just start to put yourself out there - maybe join a local LGBTQ group - and you'll find that when the time is right, all of that stuff will just happen.

    I really hope this has been of some help to you - if you have any other questions please feel free to post them here or message me. (*hug*)
     
  4. Diego89

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    Hi, I can relate to what you are going through. I came to accept my orientation when I was around 19 and yet here I am 5 years later and still closeted. I wish I had done things different but I guess I wasn't ready, and I'm still scared about what will happen but I'm more determined than ever to live my life and be happy.

    Now about feeling nostalgic about things you are missing for being closeted, I completely understand you (I posted a thread about it), I wish I could go back and live my teenage years knowing what I know now, but all we can do is focus on the days ahead and actually do something about it. Anyway welcome! :slight_smile:
     
  5. Tarpan

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    Plus7, man that is the same thing I'm going through right now. I have a close friend I've been trying to build up courage to tell that I'm gay. She and I tried to have sex last year and we were both drunk and I blamed it on being drunk. I just went in another room after she passed out and I went to sleep. It was very uncomfortable and I didn't know what to do. I've been trying to work up the courage to tell her all week because she is still a really close friend and I trust her more than anyone. So I've decided to tell her the next time she goes running I'm gonna go with her and tell her I'm gay in person. I'm scared as well but I feel like I can tell her and she would still be my friend. So wish me luck!! :slight_smile:

    and good luck to you too buddy!
     
  6. SmokeandMirrors

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    My ears were burning here. This is my story dude. Well I was engaged but fortunately we were not yet wed and have a 2 year old son from the relationship.

    It's never too late. Best thing I did for everyone as hypocritical as that sounds as far as my ex is concerned. But really, she is better off now due to how the relationship was going anyway because of my bottled up closeted frustration plus my son has adjusted really well.

    Good luck telling your friend. She will appreciate the truth from you and that is something for a start.
     
  7. 800xcrunner

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    I agree with the others, 22 is definitely not too late! I also have never really met anyone or shared the special moments, but if anything, they probably would not have been all that special if we were not yet ready for that stage! I think it just takes getting used to. Like you said, you accept yourself, so you've reached a good stage in your life. And telling friends isn't always as cut and dry as some make it seem! But in the end, it normally works out for the best. I had one friend that seemed a little taken back by it, but probably because he always thought I was the super innocent, perfect high schooler, and we used to talk about girls together. We didn't talk for maybe a week, then he came back around, and nothing has even changed! It may seem like some friends don't it well at first, but honestly to me, if they would unfriend you for this, even after what has been shared in the friendship, they probably were never really worth it!
     
  8. Kdude

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    You are definitely not alone. Your story reminds me a lot of my own. Sometimes I feel the same way about more time passing and feeling like I'm getting older. The thing you have to remember is that you have to do things in your own time. Everyone is different, I see some of these young teens on EC that are already so sure of who they and they're 10 years younger than I am, but I also see people later in life who are just understanding who they are, there is no set time in which things have to happen.

    With respect to feeling like you need to talk to someone, is there anyone you're close with that you know to be gay friendly? For me just telling one person helped a lot.

    Hang in there, I know it is hard but it gets easier with time!