I've posted on here before about suicide and you guys were a huge help. Latley though I can't shake the thought of just being done. I feel so fucking empty, I can't cry or be happy. I feel rejected, and I'm still in the closet!! I'm 17, I can't survive 2 years in the closet to get through high school. All my friends harass me for not having a girlfriend and being a virgin, I love my friends but I know they won't be my friends if I ever come out. I use to vent playing sports, but now I hate them. All this stress is just built up and I just want it to end. I can't cry I just feel so empty. I realized I was gay 4 monthes ago, and I have to survive two more years like this, it seems impossible. I hate doing anything, I hate being around my parents, they found out a couple weeks ago and things have been so awkward since. No one knows I feel like this, I feel like a freak for even thinking about these things. My friends will leave me, my team mates will be uncomfortable around me, all my family will do is worry, I use to be the normal American kid, I had a girlfriend and partied and everything. Now everything I do seems Like a lie. I need a release, I can't express any emotion, I just feel empty. Earlier today I cut myself on accident and it felt amazing. I actually felt Pain, not just uncertainty and emptiness. I don't wanna cut myself but nothing else has helped, I wanna die, but I don't wanna hurt those around me. Everytime I step outside I have to put on a fake smile and just coast. I don't want people to know I'm depressed, so scars won't help. I just wanna be that normal American kid again, just because I like other guys shouldn't do this to me but it does. I can't sleep, all I do is think about the bridge down the road, and just let all the pain go.my dads a cop and die hard republican so I can tell he hates gay marriage. My whole family is super religious and I feel like they will disown me just becase I like other guys. I'm so angry and sad I just want it to end. I keep picking scabs and it feels better i just hate everything. Please help however you can I'm sorry to bother you guys.....
(*hug*) Firstly, you're not a bother at all, it's good of you to mention this again since it hasn't gone away. It's a very smart decision on your end. I'm no expert, but to me it sounds like you're going through the depression stage of grief. Normally, people go through these five stages of grief; Denial --> Anger --> Bargaining --> Depression --> Acceptance. However, not everyone goes through these stages in this order, and may jump around a bit (I know I did between Depression and Anger). I know that it may suck now, but you have to keep holding on (*hug*) It WILL get better. You have to always remember that. I'll be honest; there are people out there that hate anyone who is gay, and need no other reason to hate you. However, there are also people out there (Like on EC) who do care and want you to get better. To get your emotions out, I'd suggest keep coming onto EC to express them, that's why it's here I know how difficult it can be to hold in your feelings until the end of high school, but you MUST keep on thinking how much better it's going to be in ten years time, when you'll be free! Please do NOT end it all, it will not solve anything and only cause pain to those around you. You are cared about, and things WILL get better (*hug*) If yu ever want to talk, you can post on my wall (*hug*)
All of us here have problems, maybe mine are worse than yours. Being alone are really hard, I assure you cause I'm going through that right now. Anxiety, depression, anger, hate, selfpitty, etc - yes these are hard, but whenever I feel it, I just always think that I am blessed in some other way. I'm able to breath, I'm able to think, I'm able to talk, I'm able to make people happy even though I am not - This is life, It is up for us how we look into it. Lots of people are into battle for their life, so please dear, treasure it. Im totally sure there are a lot of unexpected happy things coming in your way. Smile.
By no means are you ever a bother, we are all here to help anyone that needs help, we are family (&&&) I applaud you for seeking help on a forum and sharing your life story with us...very noble of you It gets better as the years go by. I know it be tough trying to hide a part of yourself while in HS. It will gradually get better, trust me. Just hold on until HS is done with and then you can feel free as a butterfly [YOUTUBE]_Gcrx2Ab0FM[/YOUTUBE]
(*hug*) I know how much you think cutting helps, trust me it doesn't. I watched my best friend nearly commit suicide. I watched her come to school with gloves on her hands to hide the scars. I went home every day terrified that she wouldn't come back the next. All of this was happening as i began to discover my sexuality, every day i acted like nothing was wrong with me, and spent every minute trying to cheer her up. I discovered something much better than cutting its called laughter please don't hurt yourself you deserve better (*hug*)
dont do it im 13 and have been through the motions i usto cut daly i have 11 scars from over a year ago and alwas wanted to kill my self 1 way but not a good 1 was that im a big guy 6 ft 225lb etc. ad we had alot of gangs in school so i wood pick fights and beat up 2 or 3 gang membors but i alwas got in truble and alot of scars on my arms and legs from them using books and pensals for wepons it made me feal alive insted of hollow but i still regret it and still dont have trust from teachers or my parents 1 thang to cope is to get a knife or pensel and a trash bag go outside fillit with leveas or paper and go inside and stabe it that allwas helps me but dont cut your self for any thang u will regret it
Hey man i'm in the same boat, bottling emotions it gets to you, my way of releasing my emotions is music, it empowers, inspires, and helps. I consistently have so much stress, i actually have grey hair or angel kiss. I have always contemplated suicide, feel the stress of life leave my lifeless body, but i realized the scars i'd leave behind, the pain of the family i care about, and my ambition to rise above hate have kept me alive. But i still haven't come out to my dad, and mom doesn't believe me and i know what it's like to rise above prejudice.
I want you to know that despite what you feel and what you are told, it does get better. I wish I had the older version of myself to inform the suicidal 15yr old girl I used to be. Having suicide touch my life deeply has changed me forever. Being gay has changed me forever. I wish you had the strength to love yourself and take everything else with a grain of salt. Because in the end, it doesn't matter what other people think-even the most painful conversation is worth the liberation coming out can bring. My advice to you is to find support. A group, a website, one friend, a hotline etc Anything-to know and understand you are one of the countless broken hearted who struggle with this everyday. Message me anytime. Wishing you wellness.
Life is hard, especially for people who feel pressured. Harming yourself isn't a solution. Your only worsening your suffering. I'm sorry if this sounds weird, but screw your family and friends. I'm not saying to abandon them, but I find it odd that when your going to attempt to kill yourself, people say "think of your loved ones" Yeah they will miss you, but you'd be missing the point. When I thought of suicide, I would think about myself. What of my goals, my dreams, the things I wanted to accomplish in MY life? If I end it now, I'll never have the chance to see my dreams through. Think about yourself for a moment. Life may not be as great as you want it now, but your only 17. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. And trust me, when I say that you will experience moments in your life that will make up for those horrible years you've lived so far. The people here are amazing and wonderful! And guess what? They have lives outside this forum. And there are people just like them out there. You have support, you can make friends that will encourage you to go on Your not alone (*hug*)
Self-harm is a trap. Don't fall into it. Remember, you need to remember that nothing can force you to come out. Try to just calm down and focus on stabilizing your current situation. It gets better. It's a struggle, but it's worth struggling. Try to find someone who WILL accept you, a friend or something.
I know this isn't much better, but I started smoking weed again instead of cutting it has helped me so much but I know it's illegal.
I've been away from cutting for a few years now. I'm proof that it does or can get at least a bit better if more. Had to cut the toxic people. or friends that were keeping me down out my life. but I made awesome ones in replace. Maybe find a hobby was some thing else that helped me a bit get out of the dumps. You meet a lot of nice people that way to. Just my opinon/idea
Isn't there at least one trusty person in your life you can talk to ? That would probably be a releaf for you and you wouldn't feel like you have to hide your feelings all the time. Anyway, just hang in there, it WILL het better and until it does we are here !
