Last night my mom confronted me about posting "coming-out" stories on my web site. They are fiction, and intended to be read as fiction, but I don't think it hurts to sort of suggest that I'm bi or gay, because I am bi or gay. I don't see that it's so wrong to start vaguely expressing that through fiction, even to people who already know me. But she said, "People have been saying to me that you're trying to 'come out'. You really shouldn't be putting that kind of stuff up on the web site. It's weird, you're such a private person: this is not appropriate, especially not for you." I was nervous and said, "Well, I have told you that I've had ... these feelings ..." Mom yelled, "YOU'RE NOT GAY!" I was too scared at this point to say that I thought I might be, so I just said, "I ... I know." And she told me, "Gosh, Emily, do you know that people have these feelings all their lives and it's a real struggle for them? This is an insult to people who really are gay! If you were REALLY gay, you wouldn't be throwing it around on the Internet!" I asked her, "How do you know I haven't struggled for a long time?" Mom answered, "YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX!" Me: "But you don't have to have sex to know." Mom: "Look, you say you're attracted to women. I've been attracted to women too." Me: "You said you weren't attracted to women." Mom: "I've been ATTRACTED to women, but I can't imagine having sex with one!" It was so uncomfortable and went on like this for a while. My god, I'm just full of shame right now; I feel weak and childish and stupid. I'm twenty! Letting my mom tell me this kind of thing ... and when she said I was insulting people who "really are gay", my heart just broke. I was so hurt. There's no way I can be the only one with a non-religious but skeptical mother. Thoughts? Any words of, I don't know, advice or comfort? Help? God, this sucks. A lot.
Your mother sounds like she is in denial about your sexuality, although she seems to believe she doesn't have a problem with gay people. From what I've seen on EC, this isn't that uncommon, with people posting that they've never had a problem with gay people while simultaneously freaking out because suddenly THEY may be gay. Apparently having 'the gay' vs it being someone else's issue makes a difference. Her statement about not throwing it around on the Internet seems tied to this. The bit about her being attracted to women is interesting and could fuel various speculations about denial, but one statement isn't really much to go on, I think. Your mom needs to understand that being gay is not an affliction that you need to hide or be ashamed of. It is part of who you are. If you were writing straight romance stories online I doubt she would be having this issue. As far as getting her to understand that, perhaps the next time she raises the issue just tell her she can't know what you are and it's not her place to say. You are fine as you are, be it gay, bi, or green with purple spots.(*hug*) Todd
I'm so sorry. You think she'd be understanding with her once being attracted to woman. I'm struggling to come out to my mom too so I don't really have any advice.
Aw, thank you. It's just funny, because she was like, "Why is this suddenly a thing for you?" And I was like, "Mom, this is SO NOT A NEW THING." She said she didn't "care about" my sexuality: "I don't care if you're gay or bi or straight; I don't care if you've had these feelings since you were seven! It's just ... weird that this is suddenly OUT THERE for everyone to see!" She thinks it's because I like to - and this is an exact quote - "experiment with identities". Oh my god, ouch. Like, that really burned. ---------- Post added 10th Jul 2013 at 09:26 PM ---------- And Mattygirl, thank you too! If you ever want to talk about coming out to moms, feel free to PM me. It sucks.
If she truly did not care, she would not be reacting this way. I am a Grand Master Black Belt of Indifference. People who do not care about something do not yell about it, because they can't be bothered to expend that much energy on something that they consider trivial and unimportant. Let us consider a topic you probably care nothing about: the price of peanuts in Abu Dhabi. If someone started talking to you about the price of peanuts in Abu Dhabi, you might pretend interest to be polite. You might just zone out until they stopped and went away. You might flat out tell them you don't care. You probably aren't going to start yelling about it (unless you suddenly discovered you had a burning interest in the price of peanuts as a commodity in the Middle East and Africa in which case I suppose you might get rather excited - but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and consider that outcome unlikely). The situation with your mom is the same. Not sure how to fight this battle, but perhaps you could hit her with a hypothetical: 'but what if I was?' Kind of scenario. Might draw her out and give you a better idea of what her specific issues are. Hope this helps, Todd Todd
I know she's hurting you, but try to think how threatening you coming out must be for her... because it sounds like she's in denial and closeted herself. You coming out is going to be extra scary for her. Don't let it stop you, come out. Don't let her fear and her self-hatered infect you. She may be spewing it at you, but everything she says is self directed. It's what she tells herself to survive in the closet. It's really, really sad if you think about it.
Trust me you aren't insulting any of us, I am defenitly gay and I am not even close to having sex with a girl. Don't stress it. You are human, so you get to make your own choices. Neither one of my parents believed but it take long before they gave up. The silent treatment truly does work. Hope it goes, GOOD LUCK!!!
Don't listen to your mom about your sexuality because it is your sexuality and she doesn't know how you feel. If she tells you not to come out, do it anyway. A lot of parents worry about it, but when it comes to these things they shouldn't interfere. It irritates me when parents act like this. She's most likely in denial about a lot of things which is understandable though. So it's best just to ignore her, don't let any mean things she says get to you because she doesn't understand.
I wrote her a letter about it last night and woke up to an e-mail telling me my struggle is "extreme and oddly intense and public." -_- Joy. And she says "gay, bi, and straight are labels, not identities." Fair enough, but like sue me for struggling.
