Hi there, I have started coming out last autumn, and found out that it is much less of a problem to speak to and meet men, rather than confront heterosexual women. I have dealt with quite a lot of homophobic bullying, mostly in form of a gossip/being outed behind my back and find it difficult to deal with bigotry and confusing emotions of women. Guys seem to take things much simpler - they walk away, accept or don't give a damn, and gay friends are precious. I have recently realised that I keep meeting mostly new male friends because I do not want to experience negativity that followed my coming out to female friends. I also prefer to work with men... Is this a common experience? I am not a native speaker, so I was also wondering if it sounds natural to say "I'm a gay woman", rather that "I'm a lesbian" in English? In my native language I usually say that I'm part of the LGBT community or use other expressions that seem politically correct and it sounds fine. What are your strategies?
I have found females to be easier to come out to than males partially because im not as scared of rejection and most of my female friends are bi or have seen my feminine side far more than my male friends, in addition the homophobic behavior exhibited among *accepting* straight men for gay men (for most it is before I came out to them, they watch their tongue around me once I told them) is staggering, im not sure if it is the same for women amongst women but it is interesting... and in regards to the gay women vs lesbian both are correct, the push for the term lesbian came from women who wanted to be disassociated from being grouped under the male dominated terms (e.g. a term like you guys to include mostly girls and a guy or two) of a patriarchal society... as for your last question i just state that im bisexual, i try to avoid telling friends who seem to bash on the LGBT community, and i gauge their reactions before telling anyone, I spark up topics about gay rights or something and see how they react
I've had the opposite happen. I've felt more comfortable coming out to women... I find the men here are less understanding and well... start to get a bit too intrusive.. The only time I will tell a male is if he is already a close and trusted friend... and even then i'm still more cautious than i am with woman, straight or otherwise...
Thank you very much for all the answers john1b1, My Simple Song, FluffyKinz! john1b1, for purely linguistic reasons I thought the term "gay" cannot be used to describe women without sounding strange or old fashioned in English. In the culture I was born and raised there is no word neutral enough to identify both women and men as gay. I find it more comfortable indeed, as "lesbian" usually brings on erotic connotations and/or negative lesbian identification models to many people outside of the LGBT culture, although internally I have no problem using that term as well. Thanks a lot My Simple Song - I guess identifying as bisexual is also a good strategy in some contexts, (not among gay women though) as I feel I do not always need to tell the truth to protect myself or my family. So that would be telling a white lie... I am pretty much sure I am gay, I can't imagine this could change within lifetime., so this inner consciousness is a path to living an integral life for me. FluffyKinz, I think this may change with age. Until you are in your mid 20ies, being a lesbian is often seen as a form of experimentation, bravery or simple entertainment. Later on the societal conditioning puts under a lot of pressure and people are more status conscious in general. I guess many women fear being associated with any marginalised group and this may be the reason for exhibiting homophobic reactions.
evo I think there might be a miscommunication on my part, if im not mistaken you asked for our strategies on how we come out... seeing as I am not gay but rather bisexual i identify as such, i am simply stating my sexuality.. im sorry for the confusion and am glad that you so sure of who you are
I agree... Although I haven't come out, I feel like it would be no issue to come out to the girls I know.. its the guys that scare me.
I am paranoid when coming out to females and generally talking about fancying girls to females because I am ware highly aware that they assumed I was straight and they don't like girls , where as in my eyes straight men cant judge me for liking girls when they do to and I feel less uncomfortable talking about girls in a sexual way around guys. I don't think I have ever called myself a lesbian I was say I am gay or I like girls just because of the way girls used to use the term lesbian as a bad term or a way of putting people down I view the word lesbian as a bad thing where as I fine saying I am gay.
Ironically, it's the guys who have been more laid back, either shrugging their shoulders and carrying on like usual, or simply distancing themselves slowly without much drama. Then again, they've all been a part of my inner circle, so perhaps I'm just choosing my actions wisely? The women I associate with don't care much, either, but are sometimes more curious, humorous, and sympathetic. Again, they're not the type to obsess over sexuality, especially mine, but are open to giving advice if I need it, at least more so than the guys I know. Most of the homophobia I've experienced from men has been from total strangers - "drive by" incidents, while with women, from one "friend" and another from one of my exes, the relationships were a lot more personal. It could be just coincidence, but it seemed the females were better at pretending to be totally fine with it, but later tried using it as ammunition. Definitely aligns with what I've read of how female circles and bullying tactics operate, and that's always interesting.
I think, though I don't know, it's a lot easier to come out to the opposite sex. Just because there is no sexual tension. A guy accepts that his friend is a lesbian, without the fear of her hitting on him, while a straight woman might think that her lesbian friend is going to hit on her. Same with girls, they accept their gay friend, and guys think that their gay friend has had a crush on them. And after coming out, a unconscious distancing occurs, from the friends' side.
I haven't got any male friends to come out to. But out of the female friends I've told - most have been very supportive. One was a complete bitch but then I guess I don't want to be friends with someone so horrid? In my head, guys would be easier to tell even though I only have friends who are female.
Yeah, straight guys are easier to tell, at least for me, as long as they are guys I know and trust (i.e. not sexist douchebags). Straight girls seem confused lol, I think cause their brains are going "men men men". And I had a gay man claim that life would be easier for me than it is for him because men will find me hot. Which kind of isn't the point....
It's very interesting to see what happens when you come out of the closet. There are many factors that go into which gender you can come out to more easily. I myself have been thinking a lot about this. For one, I think it comes down to who you find yourself more comfortable with. I fully enjoy having my straight guy friends, because they offer something completely different to me. It's great to just kick back with some beers or go to a baseball game. There is less drama (not to say that guys don't get into their own drama). I have a more underlying closeness to them as opposed to outright affection. They have held their tongue a little bit more, making sure not to say "fag" (it still baffles me that people can slip up and use that word in such a context) and they have opened up to many aspects of gay culture. They're not as apt to show affection, but once you make it clear to them that you don't want to get in their pants, they treat you like any of the other guys. Women on the other hand, I have found to be great in some ways. In a sense, I have connected with them on a more natural level. Many women love to just talk and go out to dinner. They also bring up more emotions (obviously not all, but a large majority of women do this relative to men). I am initially less awkward with them because like others have posted, coming out to the opposite sex actually eases the sexual tension. Sometimes, however, it seems as if girls who don't know me that well begin to treat me like a gay best friend as soon as they hear I am. Over all, I think each typical gender type has their advantages and drawbacks. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm my own gender. I am very male, as in I have mostly male tendencies, but it takes me longer to feel completely at ease with straight guys. Anybody else feel this way? It must be similar for gay girls, just switch the genders!
It's easier to come out to the opposite sex regardless of your sex because they most likely share your sexuality, therefore it is less perplexing to them. A straight guy can understand a lesbians attraction much more than a straight female just like a striaght girl can understand a gay guys attraction much more than a straight male. It's just common sense. It's easier to talk to people about things that you both have in common. I'd rather talk to a hip-hop or reggae fan about music than someone who likes Pop or Classical, though we technically could get a long regardless of the prefence, it is just easier to understand when you both share similar interest.
I have only came out to one person and she a women. I have not spoken to any straight/gay guys so cannot judge if the same sex is a better experience. I know it little judgmental but most of the straight guys I know I personally think would be less sensitive about it but who am I to say they all like that.
I'm a gay guy, and I agree in a way that it's easier to come out to a guy. Guys have one of three reactions: Positive and Supportive (which is great), downright negative (at least you know) or i n most cases they don't care. With women, they often say something and then gossip around. But then again, I hate to generalise and this is just my experience. Also, for me it is easier to come out to my same gender. Once I tell a guy I am not interested in him, he doesn't feel awkward around me. But straight girls tend to really get jealous when I hang with their boyfriends. As far as the gay or lesbian thing, you can use either term, though the norm for girls is lesbian.
In my experience, whether it's to find support or coming out...I find it more easier to come out to guys because I have an instinct that women will go around and tell everyone when it's not their place to tell. Men usually keep to themselves on most (if not all issues) and that is why I usually come out to men myself first. I usually go for the norm for calling a women who is gay a lesbian and a man who is gay, well, gay. I, personally, like to distinguish between the two and make it extremely clear that when I say someone is lesbian it means women and when I say someone is gay it means man. That's how I roll. I like to respect people by going for the language that is universally known
