Tough Future Coming Out

Hey guys - Sorry this is going to be really long but in order to get the advice that I need, I think it is important for you all to know the details.

First I will give you some background. I am 20 years old and I go to college with 1 year left. I am truly a Mr. Nice Guy. Everyone always talks about how nice and kind and considerate and blah blah blah haha. It is just in my nature I guess. I have one other sibling. He is 30 years old. My brother is gay. He is living with his partner happily. I think I have known that my brother was gay ever since I was 12 or 13. I am not sure the age he officially came out. I was probably to young for my brother or my parents to try to explain that situation to me when it happened. That being said I just new because it was obvious, or so it would appear obvious based on stereotypes. He was uninterested in typical "male interests" like sports and rough housing. He was more reserved, he liked pop music and art. All his friends were girls. No "bros." People were waiting on him to come out and no one was shocked. My parents accepted him. They are great parents. They are loving and supportive and I don't know what my brother or I would do without them. They accepted him with open arms and love him just as much as they otherwise would have if things were different. Nothing changed and that's the way it should be.

However, at the same time my parents most likely had an inner sense of disappointment. I shouldn't say disappointment but you know what I mean. Most parents dream of their kids to grow up like them, get married and have grand kids in a family like the one they created. Not many straight parents dream for their child to be gay. They certainly may not mind, but it wasn't their dream. It is only natural to want your child to grow up like you and I understand that.

I think this is why they started to look at me a little differently. I could still be that child they dreamed about and live the "normal American life." So now that my brother was a no-go on this front, all the pressure for that dream to come true has been shifted solely to me. I am very different from my brother. I love sports and I have always been really good at them. I played on all the town teams from childhood to high school, it came naturally to me and I loved it. I follow sports as religiously as I eat and drink. I am more masculine than my brother in every way. I dress, walk, talk and even look a little more "manly" than he does. I have always liked rap music. My parents disliked that but I think they secretly like that I like Eminem more than I like Lady Gaga haha. All my friends are either jocks or laid back straight guys who like to party. Because of how I appear in my parent's eyes, I think I have become their "closet favorite." They would never admit it of course haha.

There is only one problem with this fairytale ending for me haha. I am gay too!! #bombshell

My parents have no clue whatsoever. My brother who is both gay and very smart and who you would think should have some kind of accurate gaydar? Even more clueless. I also am pretty popular and I have a lot of friends (If i say so myself). The VAST majority? No clue. I have the slightest inclination that an isolated/insignificant amount of friends have whispered about the possibility of my sexuality being something other than the absolute straightness that it appear to be. But even then I feel that that type of conversation would be dismissed as a conspiracy theory that it is too outrageous to actually be true. I mean I have been with girls. Not that many. But enough to keep any type of rumor from arising. I am not a virgin, I have slept only with girls. I thought if I dated and tried to sleep with girls, I would become the person that I appear to be. But it's not working for me just as it hasn't worked for anyone else in history who has tried this. And for the record, the main reason I got with girls was not to keep myself in hiding, but to experiment and to make sure that I wasn't/couldn't be straight.

Some days, like today, I am like yeah I like dudes. Oh well, deal with it that's how it is. On other days I find myself in denial. How could I be gay? If I asked anyone who knows me they would say of course I am straight. I don't fit the stereotypes at all. I would have much more fun watching the ballgame then at a play or a musical. The stereotypical gay guy and I would probably relate on nothing other than the fact we both like penis.

I was a late bloomer so in my late teens I was not too worried about being more attracted to guys then girls. I thought it was a phase. I just let my time fly to other things such as hanging out with friends and playing and watching sports. Even if I wasn't gay, until recently I have always been way more of kid than an adult. I was not an adult at age 18, I was a boy. I wasn't interested in starting a serious relationship with any sex, I just wanted to goof off and have fun. I never thought the day would actually come when I would grow up and have to come to terms with my sexuality. But that day is now in my view on the horizon and I need to come to terms.

Right now I am hitting that point in life where I am transitioning from being a carefree kid with no worries or need to worry about anything important (sexuality, marriage, life after living at home) to where it's time to start planning for the future. If I was actually straight this stage of life would be easy. Find a girl, which wouldn't be that hard for me. I already have a job with good money. Move out of home after school. Easy! But being in the closet makes this transition absolutely suck, because it means the jig is up. From now on people will start expecting me to be moving towards a serious relationship with a girl. People will start to ask questions and I will have a difficult time answering them.

I have never thought I was living lie, and I still don't. I have always been true to myself and I have been on a journey of experimentation and self-realization. I haven't been going out of way to look straight, it just appears so naturally. And with societal norms telling me and the intense pressure from friends and family to be the straight person I appear to be, it became difficult for me to believe my own thoughts that suggested otherwise. How can I be this big a sports nut and be gay? How can my brother be gay and me too?! The questions are endless, the stereotypes don't fit or apply. All of this confused me and made me believe that eventually I will realize I am actually straight. In fact typing this now gives me some hope that I will just wake up straight tomorrow. But I am gay. Whether it makes sense or not based on how society typically views homosexuality.

But now that I am older and wiser, I realize that it is official. I realize if I don't come clean to people in the near future I will be living a lie because at this stage in life people expect you to date. I'll have to start lying and covering up more so than ever before. I'll hate it. I just can't believe it! I wish it wasn't so. I want to have kids and marry a woman. I want my kids to grow up feeling normal. I want to be the person my friends believe that I am, and the person that my parents believe and desperately want me to be. But it isn't so.

So if you read this long. Congrats and thank you. Just so you know I don't plan on coming out until after college. I wanted to share my story and maybe find some others who are in a similar situation. I have one year left to still be young and restless and just go out there, be a kid and to have a good time and not face the music yet. Thinking about telling people gets me scared. My parents, Oh god I feel for them. They will love me and accept me. But they will be shocked beyond belief and face some issues of there own. They will probably ask themselves why both of their boys are gay. Was it something they did? They will realize they will never have a daughter in-law and perhaps never grandkids. My friends? Most will accept it I am sure. None of my true friends will ditch me over it. But it actually makes me laugh out loud at how shocked they will be. I almost want to record them on camera. I think I will have trouble convincing some of them that it isn't a prank. It is going to be that unbelievable. My brother? Should be emotional. He will be shocked again. He will be understanding and we will become even closer because of this I'm sure.

Well thank you for reading. Response/Advice is welcomed!

One final thought. I am envious of you gay guys and girls who were "obviously" gay. When everyone assumes you are absolutely straight it might make it easier to delay the coming out, but it makes the ending process soooo much harder. I also am envious of you gay guys and girls who don't have an older gay sibling. The same family going through this difficult and emotionally draining process twice makes it worse and the all the more unexpected. The one thing I have going for me is loving and accepting people in my life, for that I am grateful. The shock factor that everyone in my life will expeirence will be a huge hurdle for me, but knowing in the end I will be accepted by those I love most gives me hope.

 

My Simple Song:
When I do come out, after school, I will go to my brother first. You never know, he may have a suspicion I am gay. But I doubt he has any serious belief it is true. And I know people who are gay come in all shapes and sizes. The only point I was trying to make is by not fitting the classic stereotype, whether that stereotype is true or not, has made it so that on the surface I appear straight as an arrow. Stereotypes are based on truth. They are offensive to people because stereotypes do not apply to anyone. But if we took a poll I bet there disproportionate number of gay guys who like Madonna, then straight guys who like Madonna. Doesn't apply to all gays for sure, but in the overall picture that's how stereotypes are formed.

KyleD:

Don't try to confuse me more! haha. I really do not believe I am sexually attracted to women. I don't get crushes on them and I don't get aroused looking at them. Sorry if this is TMI but when I had sex with girls I feel it was just the physical stimulation that allowed me to do it. I mean sex with a girl physically feels good. But I don't lust for it, if you know what I mean.

 

Thank you guys for the advice!

Cool to find someone else in the same situation is me. An older brother who has already come out and you are in the closet yourself.

I agree with you sometimes I think my longing to have family and kids of my own is more important than my own sexual happiness. Just like you I think of the idea of trying to live that normal life with a wife and kids.

At the end of the day though if it were only about me self-sacrificing my sexual needs to have kids I would do it. But it isn't. It is lying to your wife, someone who loves you and believes you love her back in the same way. Even if I were to be able to keep up that lie, I would start to hate myself because of it I'm sure. No one deserves to have that happen to them.