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Confused by Friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by streetsense01, May 3, 2008.

  1. streetsense01

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    I'm new to the forum but am in need of some advice.

    I've had pretty intense feelings for my best friend from high school for close to two years now (I’m bisexual but no one knows). We’re both guys, and I’ve gotten comments from people who know he and I like “Hey, How’s your boyfriend?” because we spend so much time together. People have even seriously asked me if he was gay. He says he is straight though (I tell people I'm straight though when asked).

    In high school, we used to call each other every day for multiple hours outside of school and talk about everything from feelings to girls to philosophy to just joking around. He didn't do that with anyone else. It’s been great to have someone like that to talk to. We even talked so much and so late into the night that it even prompted my mom to ask me if I had gay feelings for him. I denied it, even though I really did like him.

    The thing is though when we joked about sex, it was always about he or I with another guy that wasn't each other—it was never he and I being involved with one another (or either one of us with girls for that matter). I would occasionally make jokes about he and I, but he would tell me to stop because it made him feel uncomfortable. It always struck me as kind of odd because I would always hear other guys joking around with him in school like that and he would have no problem with it (and it sort of hurts me, because I would like to play around verbally with him once in a while). I asked him if he thought I was gay/bi and that was why he didn’t like me making them but he said that he was confident I was straight.

    The last time we hung out (we're in college now but see each other about twice a month and talk almost daily though for shorter amounts of time), I made a sexual joke about he and I, and once again he told me to stop because it made him feel uncomfortable. This time he said that he doesn’t see me as someone to make sexual jokes because I used to be religious. However, this didn’t make sense to me because both he and I have made jokes in the past (though as i said above the jokes didn't involve each other) even when i was going to Church weekly and praying daily. If he truly didn't like me making sexual jokes because I was religious, he would have felt uncomfortable when I made any of those kinds of jokes--not just ones involving him.

    He’s also continually made sexual comments to me about he and his one guy friend in college even though I don’t know him. He said he’s perfectly fine about sex jokes about his college friend and him (he even said he’s fine with his college friend jokingly grabbing him but it would bother him if I did), or else this other kid in high school (who he even thinks may be gay) and him, but not he and I.

    I’ve been thinking about just coming out to him and telling him how I feel about him, but I’ve always held myself back. He told me about a year or so ago that when he was in eighth grade he stopped talking to his one friend because he thought his friend was gay for him. I really don’t want to lose my friendship with him, because he really is a great guy and has always been there for me to talk to when I needed someone.

    At the same time though, one of our friends from high school is also bisexual and the friend I like made a comment like “Everyone goes through something like that”, which leads me to believe he may be bi or at least curious. He’s also never had any serious girlfriends because his feelings for them change like the weather. For instance, last week he was head over heels for a girl but then he called me yesterday to say he was no longer interested, even though nothing had caused the change between them.

    Any ideas as to why he’s fine with sexual jokes and innuendos involving other guys but not me? Any suggestions on how I could find out more about his sexuality without coming out to him and seeing how he reacts? Or is coming out the only way? I almost feel like I would rather not come out and just be satisfied with being his friend, but it just doesn’t seem possible—my feelings are way too strong for him…

    Sorry for such the long post. Thanks for reading, and any help at all is appreciated.
     
  2. kevinx519

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    you know, your situation between you and your guy friend is eerily similar to a situation i have with one of my friends...well at least the beginning part. anyway, its hard to tell whether someone is gay (or interested) because they can hide it so well. id say start by feeling out his opinion on homosexuality and a possible discussion about it. although being up front about it is probably best, i know its hard because i cant even take this own advice for myself. but just let it play out and whatever works works. if you ever feel the urge to tell him, go right on ahead, but do things by your book and not for him. good luck!
     
  3. SkyTears

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    Wow. That was an interesting read ^^

    Anyways and for the jokes I really don't know what to say about that. But as for the sexuality you can somehow slip into a convo that is a gay topic. The probably easiest and most used is the "So know know about *blank* being gay? I think it's cool that he can come out like that...etc."
     
  4. RGX Guy

    RGX Guy Guest

    I know how you feel kind of. Just tell him how you feel, if he's not cool with it because he's not interested then forget about him & find somome else. Good luck!
     
  5. MeskElil

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    the boundary between friends and "more than friends" is a very slim one...and sometimes crossing it can lead to catastrophe. one of the guys i had a crush on a while back? yeah, he and i were in the same situation. i'm not sure what your friend is thinking, but maybe he suspects that you might be gay/bi. maybe that's why it makes him feel uncomfortable. because he has no problem talking about this other guy in the dorm--that's probably because he knows there's no way any *ahem* relations might occur with the other guy. it could be *i'm taking a jump here* that he's gay, and that he thinks you might be too, but he's not ready to come out yet...at all. so he might just be kind of trying to back off, trying to keep things a little distant so as to not tempt himself. like he's trying to "fix himself" (yeah, like that ever happens). i'm not quite sure, since of course i don't know him, but that's my analysis of the human mind for you :icon_bigg . as to what you should do? well...i would follow the advice above. it seems pretty sound...and i think people have been through this before. but i just thought i might help you understand your friend's brain a bit better...it might help in the long run.
    sorry if i was absolutely no help. good luck, okay?
     
  6. NoLeafClover

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    The honesty between the two of you sounds like grounds enough for you to be up front about it. The fact that you've had feelings for him for so long will no doubt make it tough on you if the outcome isn't favorable, but I'm assuming it's got to be on your mind quite a bit to be posting it here, and you want to do something.

    Direct questions are the way to go, I think. You can preface them with explanations on why you want to know, and why it's important to you -- I think that shows that you actually care about his answers. Also, I think it would be good for you to emphasize that you don't want to ruin the friendship in any way.

    I had feelings for a close friend of mine for a long time (he didn't know) and it hurt me and made me feel a bit awkward when he joked about sex involving me and/or him. I'm guessing because it was something I had previously thought about and was trying to hide, and when he sad those things, he unknowingly hit a nerve that ultimately made me cringe.
    Kind of like that feeling you get when someone important to you makes an offensive gay joke, and they have no idea you're gay, but you still feel hurt....err wait a minute, you're bisexual..replace gay with bi =P