So its 3am and I cant sleep like usual. I decided to write a rough letter to my mom.

Alright, I know its going to sound depressing and Shitty, but I was trying to be as honest as possible with it. It's rough and I will be going over it probably a few times before I actually get the nerve to send it, and I would really appreciate some feedback. Here goes..

Hey mom. I bet it's weird getting an email from me, but a lot of the stuff I'm going to put in this I can't get myself to say in person - to anyone.

I'll start with saying you've always been a good mom, and I apologize for the way I act sometimes and I do respect and admire you and love you.*Anyways, a few weeks ago you asked me something and my answer was probably not what you expected. Just saying what I did made my stomach drop to the point where I couldn't get myself to eat that day. I just want to point out it really isn't something I want to admit, but as I've tried and found out there isn't anything I can do to change it and it wears on everything I do. I think you've probably guessed it so far, and yeah, I'm gay.*It isn't something I chose, there never was any questioning or bargaining, I've just always known since I could walk something was different. Anything past that just cemented what I already knew.*This is probably the most difficult thing I will deal with in my life and it terrifies me knowing I'm not going to be accepted by everyone and I could lose some close people to me, from something that doesn't even change me as a person. The (parents friends son who came out when I was 7) incident, listening to everyone's response to it has made this all so much harder, and knowing that dads reaction most likely will not be much different kills me inside.

I've let it weigh on everything in my life to the point of I don't know how to be myself. I mean I've never put on an act, I'm still the same person I've always been, but as stupid as it sounds for the longest time I wouldn't even let myself be interested in the outdoors and cars. Work is where its really hit me. I don't feel good enough to be in a trade or anything. The reason I've put off college for environmental so long is because I don't feel I'm good enough to work in a field like that. Trades and environmental just don't seem to be very accepting places and losing a job or not even being considered for one after they know I'm gay would devastate me even more. It does happen, I've talked to some people online who have been through it. I don't have the self worth to stick to my guns to handle something like that.

I stay home alone so much because I hate lying. When I'm out with friends I've been told many times how quiet I am, its hard not to be when you filter every word that comes out. It's easier just to keep to myself. I've also been told by a few friends when I do get up the effort to see them to stop being a stranger, I just lose touch with everyone.*Even weight, I can't get myself to even start getting into better shape, I feel what's the point? I know I'm not in horrible shape, but there is no reason I can't lose 40lbs and be more fit. I feel ugly with my extra weight.

Honestly the worst part about (my old job) is people started to question me. I guess I'm too good of a person to stay single, so after a year of avoiding the subject of dating, a few have started to suspect somethings not right.*I'm not going to go out and buy a bag of glitter and go to pride, that still isn't me and never will be. I want a nice truck, a house on waterfront in some small town, or just the middle of nowhere, a job I enjoy and someone to love. All of which I'm trying my hardest to feel I am worth having.*

I hope you don't take anything in this the wrong way and see what I've been dealing with. Why I don't sleep, don't make progress in a career, have very little close friends, I'm just not me right now. I'm not happy with how things are going and if I don't man the fuck up and deal with this I'm only going to fall deeper into depression, and I think I'm already pretty close to rock bottom.

Anyways, yeah, I love you.

 

Re: So its 3am and I cant sleep like usual. I decided to write a rough letter to my m

Heh, thanks for the comment.

I've never had any bad feelings towards actually being gay, or against it in general. I've just had/been having a significant struggle dealing with my own insecurities about the whole thing. I'm an overthinker when it comes to everything, so when I hold something in like this for so long it grows to giant proporttions and had the chance to stick me in a rut for far too long. It isn't that I'm even ready to deal with it, I'm just to the point where I have to. I've spent too many years reiterating the same issues, mainly to Felipe who has helped me a lot more than he even may realize. It's always the underlining factor.

I treat everyone I meet with respect and can have empathy for almost anyone and deal with their problem, but karma doesn't exist and not having people accept me to me is a huge deal. I'm trying to learn to stick to my guns though.