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Almost thirty years old yet so confused and afraid

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Minotauro, Jul 16, 2013.

  1. Minotauro

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    Hello everybody!

    I would like to tell my story and find out if I could find some support and words of advice here. My life situation has come to important crossroads right now and I am not that sure if I can anymore deal with all this all by myself. I'll try to write long story short.

    First some brief information about myself:

    - 27 years old male
    - basics in life are in order (education, job opportunities, health, friends & social life)
    - basically in a closet but door is not completely closed
    - having issues with my self-esteem
    - having issues with feelings of shame that come really deep inside me
    - concluding that all of my issues somehow boil down to my sexuality because my lack of self-acceptance

    Recently I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years. She was the first person ever in my life to have keys to my soul in terms of my sexuality. I was 22 and she was 21 when we met. Since the beginning I started to "infiltrate" some hints about my sexuality to her mind. Eventually it was actually she who helped me to say it out loud to her - that I am not heterosexual but bisexual - and on a given life situation deeply in love with her emotionally and sexually, and therefore "heterosexual" in the eyes of other people (society). So I was able to love myself and enjoy her acceptance, but only privately. We never made any news about my orientation to other people. I didn't have that urge and she didn't either. We pretty much looked ourselves as a couple that is deeply in love with each other not giving any labels for it (ie. heterosexual woman and bisexual man).

    During those years I was propably the happiest ever in my life. Since early childhood I knew I was somehow different from other boys around the block. I had sexual feelings towards both sexes but I had not ways to explain myself why I was sometimes having that feeling with some particular boys too. It was only when I reached my puberty when I started developing this anxiety and depression beacuse I couldn't come to terms with my "other side". Being raised in a rather homophobic environment that was more than usual story I guess.

    Only when I moved to a larger city to start my studies I started to accept my orientation. Back then I was 20 years old. I enjoyed all of my fantasies and masturbated to them without that strain of guilt that had been on my shoulders for a lifetime. Life felt amazing and I could say I was really happy back then.

    That happiness eventually brought me this amazing woman I was with for 5 years. When you feel amazing about yourself and the world it attracts the best of people - and brings more good things to your life. And that was what happened with me back then.

    So from 2008 until January 2013 I was in a relationship with this woman. Unfortunately we separated because there was geographical distance between us for more than few months. She found another man and left me. Maybe we just grew apart from each other. We were really young when we started our relationship - I need to admit that.

    All of this brings me to my current situation.

    Who am I and what I am going to do with my life now?

    What does it mean to be bisexual man? Should I tell people about it?

    Problem is that I carry immense amount of shame about my sexuality. My relationship was in that sense like a band-aid that just covered my wounds but did not really heal them. At the age of 27 I am facing this world all alone and I am really afraid of it. I have lived really heteronormative life so far - not because I was forcing myself but because my previous relationship was the thing I wanted.

    I think I am painstakingly aware of all discrimination I might face if I come out of the closet. I have intelligent friends, lots of them, and by default they are really open minded people who sometimes even take part on Gay Pride for common support.

    But still I am not sure about them and people around me (especially about my mother and my family). They are not that anti-gay people but still it would be a shock that a person that they thought they knew came out and was all the sudden a totally different person than before. It is my fathers side that is so homophobic but actually I am not in contact with them so I don't even bother thinking about them.

    I have analyzed my thoughts and these are the things that worry me the most (in coming out and being openly the person I am):

    - I don't want to be labelled and squeezed into a mold/cast.

    - I don't want people to start making their ridiculous conclusions about me when they hear about my bisexuality: "oh, so that's the reason why he does (x / y / z whatever). As if it would make me totally a new person they did not know before.

    - I don't want rumours to be spread about me

    - I don't want to limit my possibilities with women establishing this unvisible glass-ceiling that always exists when women think about bisexual men (they are scary, maybe effeminate and propably sex-maniacs that cheat on you with other men)

    For me it seems that being bisexual really does not offer any pros but only cons.

    I am not feeling happy right now with myself but at the same time I really don't know what kind of powers I might unleash if I start coming out to my friends and family.

    And in the end I still hate myself because of my sexuality! :bang:
     
  2. Hefiel

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    I'll start by addressing the part in bold. Sexual Orientation isn't something so major that a person will suddenly be a "totally different person than before" because he's finally being open about his sexuality. If you wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, take a shower and brush your teeth, you'll still be doing the same thing tomorrow whether you are publicly out or not. Sexual Orientation is just one part of you, not the 'whole' you. Whether you are straight, bisexual, gay, trans, etc, you're still the same person inside, and you won't be a different person to other people because you are now publicly out.

    Now onto the rest of the quote, it could certainly be a good idea to come out to your friends if they are so supportive of the LGBT community. I'm sure they'll be very happy that you shared that part of you with them. As far as your family, well that is a different story that you'll have to figure out yourself, although it might be a good idea to come out eventually to them as well.

    - People are constantly categorizing others with labels, and this is not limited strictly to sexuality. If you're unhappy with a way that a person is treating you, there's nothing wrong with clarifying certain things with that person.

    - Yes, people make stupid assumptions. That's one of the cons of being an LGBT, we have to educate a lot of people, but we're getting there.

    - Rumors about what? Your bisexuality? If it wasn't true, ok I could see this being an issue, but you are bisexual so rumors are pretty pointless.

    - Same as my second point, we have to be "out" there to break the stereotypes and wrongful assumptions about the LGBT community.
     
  3. Minotauro

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    Hefiel,

    Thanks for writing back I appreciate that!

    The problem is not that much within myself. I would say that although I struggle with myself about being bisexual it is not something that grows inside me - it is something that this society and common attitudes put inside me. I am not the problem. Other people are the problem.

    I know I am still the same person as before like I always was. And most of the time I am doing things that are not related to my sexuality, just like we all do...

    But what do you do if you really don't feel any belonging to that community? I pretty much feel like an outcast in this sense and have no need to start bonding on a hazy corner bars with other LGBT-people and I am deliberately using this stereotype. That's the situation in my country. Other option is to start some gender studies at the university and try to revolve around those people. I know I am exaggerating but this is how I feel about all of this.

    I just don't feel that I had the energy to go on a pursuit to emancipate all LGBT-people from evil powers of heterosexism.

    Why cannot I just be let alone and live my life like other peole? This is the reason why my sexuality is not a nice thing - instead it's a bloody struggle.

    Yes rumours are pretty pointless if they are telling the truth. It's just that they would take away my control over things and information. People hear about it and draw their conclusions without any possibility for me to correct their blatant prejudices.

    I just feel that during my life I have already ridden my war horse into too many battles.

    Maybe after all the closet is the best place to be...

    And that's the reason why most of bi-men are in a closet.

    There really is a social trade-off in coming out and the price might well be higher than for gay men. :dry:
     
  4. Hefiel

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    Out of curiosity, what country are you from?

    No one is forced to participate or join the community. Sure it will be a little harder to meet more open-minded folks by staying away from the LGBT community, but it's not the end of the world either and there are other avenues (figuratively speaking) to meet people.

    Rumours and assumptions are best be ignored. Eleanor Roosevelt put it best: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." And unless you live in a very oppressive country (and I don't think this to be the case), the closet is the worse place to be in because you're never able to truly be who you are while hiding yourself. You're always watching your behavior so as to not get spotted and get called out on, always trying to act a certain way that isn't entirely you, etc. Once you're out, you really don't have to worry about any of that.
     
  5. Minotauro

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    Funny how I really pondered if I should answer to your question about my location. Well most likely no one who I know is reading this so maybe I should tell that...

    I'm from Finland, so actually from a really liberal country, but what do they say. Doctor's children are always sick?

    Maybe I am exaggerating my problems but still I can't help the way I feel.

    Sadly enough.
     
  6. Hefiel

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    Mentioning your country is a lot safer than mentioning your city :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I only asked because there seemed to be some sort of disconnect with your mention of having to visit hazy corners bars to meet gays (I know you were just using a stereotype) which would somewhat imply that the community is 'underground' and somewhat repressed, whereas in your first post you mentioned friends joining Gay Pride parades and whatnot, hinting that the community isn't hiding. I just wanted to make sure everything was clear. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


    Have you ever heard of the 5 stages of grief? You're definitively still struggling with your sexuality, meaning that you haven't quite accepted it yet even if you know that you are bisexual. It's something you'll have to work on, and I definitively think that having some sort of support in the real world would be really great (meaning people who know that you are bisexual and are supportive).
     
  7. purpleboy

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    I found reading this insightful. many of the predicaments you face I feel too. you will find it difficult (as i did) , but i really think talking to a very close friend about it would help.