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Complicated situation, seeking advice..don't know where to go. (long post)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by quiet optimist, Jul 18, 2013.

  1. quiet optimist

    Regular Member

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    Hi everybody. I'm.. a little stuck here on where to progress in certain matters, and in what order. I'll try organizing things in list form cuz I'm a very listy person and it just might help me make sure i covered everything.



    1. I am 100% gay.

    2. Not one member of my family knows. Some of my closer friends know.

    3. Not telling my family I'm gay, is a huge lie in my eyes. I know this, and ever since I knew, I've felt sort of ashamed over it, and since I knew I was lying, I began to lie about other stuff too, and now I'm a pretty dishonest person when it comes to how I feel about people. And I hate that about me! Grrr. :bang:

    4. I'm starting senior year of high school in the fall, with most of my friends having graduated this year, and I want to "start over" sort of, and just be honest about being gay when people ask. Because of my personality, I think in part my hyper behavior and friendliness, people often ask if I am gay, and I am used to saying no, because I used to get mad when people made assumptions. But I'm learning to not get so offended over stuff like that.

    5. I'm only 16 and I don't *plan* on getting in a relationship until I'm out of high school (if I were to come out). Plus, I tend to like guys more that are at least a little bit older than me, and now that I'm about to be a senior, that's not really a possibility. So I'm debating on whether coming out is even necessary.

    6. I don't mind telling girls as much as guys. I can be honest with any girl if they want to know. Almost all my friends are girls and I have extreme difficulty talking to most guys in general, like those guys in movies that say "When I try to talk to girls, I just freeze up!" It's like that, but with guys. Even if I'm not interested in the guy, I still have so much difficulty.

    7. I live with my mom, who I'm close to. She has no idea I'm gay and is totally oblivious to me not being straight, but she's stated in stories about people that she's accepting of any sexual orientation. She's also talked about how there are a variety of different sexual orientations among members of her side of my family. I wouldn't really mind telling her but she's just so oblivious I'd feel bad. I've kept other things from her before, and when I tell her about whatever it is, she is completely surprised and seems genuinely hurt that she didn't know beforehand.

    8. My dad and my mom broke up not long after I was born, and I don't have any memories from when they were together. My dad lives a couple streets down, with his "girlfriend". She's pretty much my stepmom. They have been together since I was 6ish, she's his age, they are basically married minus making it official. I don't know why they never did, though. They have 1 kid together, my little sister (half-sister), who is 9 and I love to death.

    9. My stepmom was a single mother when her and my dad started dating, and the daughter was 7 at the time so he's her dad too. And she's my step-sister. She turned out to be popularity queen at my high school even though a lot of people admittedly didn't really like her. She's 18 now and goes to college and is off currently, and has a job, but she lives at their house right now. She's very annoying, rude, spoiled, and I just pretend to like her, and based on how she talks badly about EVERYONE, I'm sure she doesn't really like me that much either. In a way, I don't want her to know I'm gay.. She thinks she knows everything and it would be surprising to her, and it would probably change her opinion of me because she's like that, and she would probably tell my dad and my stepmom all her assumptions about me; my stepmom wouldn't really be affected by it, but my dad would probably take any advice into consideration, and I'm stressed out enough by how he's going to react.

    10. Although my mom and dad share custody, I don't live with him. All my stuff is here at my mom's and I go to his house maybe twice a week, and I don't talk to him, just my little sister. I was on better terms with him growing up, but we've drifted a lot. His attitude towards gay people is..well he uses the word "flamer" to describe gay guys that are flamboyant, and when he finds out a guy that doesn't act like a "flamer" is gay, he seems really surprised and put off by it. My stepsister was telling him about these twin guys that graduated from our school: One straight, a "hick", generally unpopular; one gay, more popular, and more liked by people. My dad looked confused and thought it was "weird" that two twin boys could have different sexual orientations, like it was some sort of scientific phenomenon. I just don't want to tell him anything, let alone that I'm gay. I mean, does he really need to know? :dry:

    11. My stepmom is easier to get along with, but not by much. She is the boss of a lot of people at her company and it's transferred to her personality. She also has a really goofy side and used to be a highlight of going over to that house, but she's been on some sort of psychiatric medication for the last year or so, and a lot of her personality went away. Now she's either bossy, or she's nice (but boring). So I don't feel like telling her either.

    12. There's just so many questions surrounding my dad's house, especially my little sister. How would my little sister react? Would she think I was weird? Would my dad tell her I was? Would my dad even publicly (or at all) respect me anymore? How would the opinion of me even be regarded in that household?

    13. I have a friend, who's a girl. She knows. Her parents know. She has a boyfriend who also knows and he's okay with us hanging out, usually, but sometimes he gets annoyed if we (me and her) hang out more than they (him and her) do. Even though I've explained the whole "she has a boyfriend" situation, because of how much we are together, my whole family thinks me and her are dating. :lol: :lol: :lol:

    14. I don't even want to be friends with this girl anymore. I don't think we get along as well as we used to and I just want to stop hanging out. But neither of us had really had a best friend before we met each other, and after how close we were at one point, I don't want to just tell her we're not friends anymore. Do people even say stuff like that? Is that a thing? I'm so inexperienced :confused:

    So it ends with I don't want to be friends with this girl anymore. But I don't have the heart to tell her that. If I don't come out soon, my family's going to continue to assume we're together and I have to keep feeling bad about lying about it. But if I come out, then it's going to bring her and I closer together, I think, and I don't want that... And it could also offend my mom, make my dad probably not be able to look at me, make my stepsister treat me differently because she's superficial like that, and make my little sister possibly not like me anymore. I am so stressed and confused and just.. Grrrrrrrr!
     
  2. LD579

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    I'll answer the numbered sections which have things I can give feedback to =)

    4. It'd likely be easier if you came out to people if they asked, because then you're not taking the first step. You're just following through on someone else's action. That's just something to think about.

    5. Coming out isn't about having a relationship. It's about letting others know that you're not straight and that they shouldn't expect you to date a girl, in your case. If you feel comfortable and ready, it'd likely be quite okay to come out when a suitable time comes. Pretending to be straight or acting like you're nothing but straight, whether consciously or subconsciously, can be quite draining.

    6. I can empathize. Perhaps you just need practice and getting to know other guys. I know I did, haha.

    7. On the contrary, your mom should, if not initially (Initial reactions to someone close to you coming out can be quite different from what they will be in the long run), then later on, be quite accepting and supportive of you should feel honoured that you can trust her with such knowledge. There are only a few plausible things that warrant more trust than coming out to someone else.

    She may be hurt initially, but it's not your fault. Believe me when I say that =)

    10. It's up to you whether you'd tell your dad or older sister or anyone else, for that matter. It's plausible that eventually you'd reach a point where their opinion wouldn't rock your world that much, if at all, and at such a point you may not mind just letting them know casually.

    12. Your younger sister probably wouldn't care in the long run. Kids are malleable like that, and besides — you're her older brother! That has to count for something, you know? =)

    If you came out to your dad, you could always tell him whether or not you'd want him to tell your younger sister. Alternatively, you could tell her yourself, as well. She may blurt it out to people, though, so it may be best to only tell her if you don't mind her telling others.

    13. Ah. That happened to me once upon a time, hahaha.

    14. You don't have to just stop being friends. If you're not getting along at the moment, just subtly take a break from her. Keep your bridges open and don't burn them down, 'cause connections are very valuable these days for many reasons.

    How would you coming out bring this friend of yours and you closer? It shouldn't offend your mom. You're only 16. It's not like you've known for 50 years and have told everyone except her, you know? Ideally, your dad would get over it and love you for who you are, but that may take time. Your older sister would kind of be a jerk for treating you differently over such a thing... but perhaps she'd get over it too. I don't see why your little sister would not like you over such a thing. Would she dislike you if you told her that you much prefer chocolate ice cream over vanilla even though she absolutely loves vanilla ice cream? I think you see what I mean.

    Also, all these reactions are conjecture. There's no telling how anyone may react. I'm thinking that, in the long run, you'd be happier if you came out to your family and that they'd be accepting and supportive, even if it takes some time for that to happen. In the meantime, having friends to support you in case you get a sub-par reaction would not be a bad idea.

    By the by, welcome to EC =)
     
  3. quiet optimist

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    Thanks so much for the reply! =D All that you said is so true. I kind of started drifting from the one girl friend, so I think my family is just assuming we broke up since they haven't heard her mentioned in a while.. I've decided that when school comes around this year, I'm just going to act myself and if anyone asks, I'll tell them the truth. I'm most happy and confident at the beginning of the school year, anyway, so I'll try my best to stick with it.

    Thanks so much again. Especially the part about coming out not being about having a relationship. That's so true! Because it is draining never having any input when someone brings up the topic of relationships or guys in general, when I feel like I have stuff I could add to the conversation (I love talking).

    I'm not sure about my family still, but I'll get around to it (mostly my mom) if I feel it's time. Doing it in school sounds easier so that might give me the courage to do it at home as well :icon_bigg
     
  4. GayNerd

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    I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. But I think I should give you a little advice.

    There are and will always be people in the world who won't accept Gay people. These are people who are not worth your time. This means that only true friends will care. These friends may not be your family, but there are always people who will be your friend for who you are.

    Since you are living with your Mom, coming out to her is a little complicated. You would most likely be okay telling her you are Gay. Why most likely and not for sure? Even if your Mom is not Homophobic(I'm supposing in this area), you are her son and she could feel different about Gay people knowing you are Gay. It may be okay with her about other Gay people, but maybe not okay with you.

    Be prepared for any questions your Mom has, no matter how she would feel. Some questions may include "Was it something I did?", "Are you sure it's not just a phase?", and "How will people treat you, now that you're Gay?". These are just some.

    Since your Dad is (or at least sounds Homophobic to me)Homophobic, be prepared for any disputes between you and him. Don't expect your Dad to accept your Sexuality right from the start. He may accept your Sexuality later, or never. You Step-Sister will most likely tell people, so be prepared for that.

    I hope that this "little" advice helps you, like some of it, has helped, me.