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what is it like?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Wells, Jul 19, 2013.

  1. Wells

    Wells Guest

    Hey all,

    I'm only 13 and still questioning, so I'm a long way from coming out. I just wanted to know who you told first, who was the most worrying person to come out to, different reactions, how long you inew beforehand, if there was a lot of homophobia etc.

    Anything to say, please post :slight_smile: thanks in advance.
     
  2. KhanSaheb

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    I was 19 before I realized I was gay. Throughout high school, I was a loner and never dated anyone. I had no sexual experience with either men or women. Oddly enough, it was a movie that woke me up. After seeing it, I really realized what I wanted emotionally.

    I had two friends that I hung out with all the time. One male and one female. They were the first people I told. Their reaction was, "It was about time you figured it out. We've known for a while." My mother was just about the same way. I was very involved in my church at that age, so that was what I had the hardest time with. (Fortunately, they made it really easy, for many other reasons, to leave them and not give a damn what they thought.)

    This was 30 years ago and times have changed quite a bit. I didn't have the internet - much less the kind of forum that we have here. So I didn't have anyone to go to with my questions.
     
  3. Wells

    Wells Guest

    Thanks KhanSaheb.
    Anyone else? Please?
     
  4. Randy

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    As a definitive orientation: I told my brother first because I don't hide anything from him and he doesn't hide anything from me. We're extremely close and I know he's not one to tell the rest of my family every last detail about my life. And with his age (16), I felt like he is old enough to understand. And he's certainly not one to judge so that's a plus. He was very supportive of me and he still accepts me. We're still close so that's good.

    As an unsure orientation (I might be): I told my three closest friends because within a year, I have become close with them so much in that year. They're not ones to judge because they're gay themselves. One of them told me: You might be bisexual...but if you're gay then you have our support no matter what. I still haven't came out to them with a definitive orientation (planning to later this academic year), but I know nothing between us will change.

    The most people that worry me when I come out to them are my parents, they're totally out there and I just can never gauge their reaction to anything. I project my mom might grieve a little and my dad will too. In the end, I know they'll be fine with it. All parents want is their kids to be happy so I see no issue with this years after I come out.

    How long I knew before hand: I would say I suspected in 5th grade, and confirmed in 8th grade. I went back into denial until Freshmen year of college before I accepted it head on.
     
  5. SkyDiver

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    I knew I was different when I was like 8, lol. That was when I had my first crush on a boy and I knew that it wasn't a normal thing.

    The first person I told was my online friend and I was just so stunned that she didn't think it was some horrible thing. She helped me to realize that there was nothing wrong with it. That was when I was 12. I was most terrified of coming out to my parents, as they *were* extremely homophobic. They had the worst reaction by far. Took my mom a couple weeks to get used to it and my dad a couple years.

    All of my other friends had great reactions though.

    Ranged from "oh? cool." to "OMG that's great!!!!"

    No homophobia at all, I really got lucky. :slight_smile:

    Good luck dude!
     
  6. Colours

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    The first real-life person I actually came out to as gay, is my best friend. I've gotten so much closer with her since then, something I didn't think was possible.
     
  7. GArchi1992

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    Well, I recently came out two weeks ago to my parents. I first realised I was gay when I was 17. I mean I always felt a lot different to other lads of my age. I was never interested in sport, or girls for that matter and put all my focus in to doing well at school. (it paid off though :wink: ) It wasn't until I left school and went to Sixth Form that I realised for sure that I was gay. And to be honest, I didn't like it. Sixth Form was a huge learning curve. Not just in terms of academics but also in terms of getting to know myself. It took me two years to fully accept that I was gay and I didn't start telling people until I was 19. I started telling close friends and their reactions were as expected. (My friendship group was and still is made up pretty much 50 % straight and 50% gay people). So they were all cool with it and said 'omg we had no idea'. Then gradually more and more people got to know and it was no big deal.

    The only fear that I felt was towards my parents. I honestly couldn't gauge how they were going to react. My dad was always making homophobic comments, but I could never tell if he meant them. Anyways this year, I decided enough was enough I had to come out. I couldn't keep lying to my parents. So I told them and they said they had always wondered whether I was gay and they're fully supportive of it. I'm extremely lucky in this regard.

    I've not experience any homophobia towards me YET. I guess there will always be bigoted people in the world. It's just something we have to deal with and avoid rising to it.

    Good luck, everything will be fine!
     
  8. Azrael

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    The age I knew I was gay or different: Since fertilisation :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:.

    I was very different from all the other boys from a young age, I hated violence and fighting and I loved to paint, draw, sing and cook. This is very embarrassing for someone who grows up in an Asian background.

    The age I accepted myself: 15~

    I'm still trying to accept myself as a person, I'm the only heir to my family name in this whole generation. The aspect of disappointing my family is very difficult to swallow. What sparked it was when I fell in love with someone. (who of course likes people who are like 6"+ and have azure eyes, so I 'was not his type')

    The feeling and process of coming out:

    It's not black and white thing, for me, you come out to yourself first, then you tell your closest friend. I have to say I committed an unforgivable sin by coming out as Bisexual first and I can never forgive myself for doing so because that undermine's the existence of Bisexuality which does exist. So don't come out as Bi then move to gay or lesbian, it's wrong, morally wrong.

    Side note: If you weren't acting "yourself" or you were mean or homophobic before that, you will change drastically when your friends accept you and you will feel a great sense of assurance and a stronger relationship with those who you come out to if they accept you.

    Side note: In my experience I told most of my friends during times where I was irreparably emotionally damaged so it's never an uplifting thing until they say; "It's okay"


    The most worrying person to come out to:

    Generally, all of my friends, I don't have many friends, in fact I have a very small circle of friends so honestly losing anyone of them would be devastating, but now they're all okay with it.

    Reactions:

    Most of mine have been good:

    "Come shopping with me"

    I automatically become a relationship counsellor for girls and boys alike because boys think I understand girls and girls think I understand boys when the only thing I understand is I like boys.

    "Does that mean I can't do gay jokes around you" I absolutely love it when people utter gay jokes around me, it's funny and it downplays the seriousness of insults and make you stronger.

    Conclusion

    You should continue to question, no harm in doing that.

    Good luck.
     
  9. Abbra

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    I always knew that something was different, but the question didn't come up until I was ten, and I was checking out these two other girls. I kind of just pushed it out of my mind though, and kept myself in denial until I was about thirteen. I technically came out as bisexual, but bisexuality was a fad at my school for a couple of months. Every girl came out as bisexual at the same time, so my confession got buried beneath all the popular girl's confessions. I didn't accept that I was fully gay until a year later.

    The first person I came out to was my best friend at the time. I had been hanging around this one guy friend of ours a lot because he and I had a lot in common. She assumed that we were secretly going out. One day at the mall, she kept pestering me about it. I finally snapped and told her that I would tell her when we got home. I was hoping she would just forget the whole thing. She didn't though, so I eventually had to tell the truth to her, and she was very accepting.

    The person that was the hardest to come out to were my parents. Not because I feared they would kick me out though. My parents and I just don't really talk about that kind of stuff. My mother tried to give me the sex talk once, and it failed miserably, so I was just afraid of the awkwardness. In order to avoid having to sit them down, I left a note in my room and had them ask questions when I got home from school. My dad was happy about the whole thing and proud of me, my mom, not so much. She stated that she thought it was just a phase. She came around though. She was probably just shocked.

    I've experienced homophobia, but not directly towards me. In middle school, anyone who was slightly effeminate/masculine got verbally bullied (that's why I was so in denial. I was already being bullied, and being gay would have added to that.)
    The second time was right after I discovered I was gay, but I was still in the closet to everyone. Essentially, a group of my friends sat around and talked about how much they loved gay guys, but hated lesbians. This was probably the most painful. Needless to say, I didn't stay friends with them.
    The third time was last year in my government class. There were a ton of homophobic kids in that class. Our class had a republican caucus where we had to make a speech explaining why which person should be the republican representative. The kid who was speaking for Rick Santorum stated, "You should choose Rick Santorum because he's anti gay. Just like everyone should be." Santorum got second place.
    Later that year, we had to do our mock legislature. Four anti gay bills were in the works. One of which was made by the Santorum kid, and it was a law that would make gays be arrested for touching in public. Luckily, the teacher banned all discussion on sexuality.
     
  10. FucSoc

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    I started to question myself when i was 13 years old. after two years i finally understood that i'm attracted to girls. after two months i came out to one of my best friends. My friend was very accepting, too much accepting! xD she hugged me and ask me jokingly if i'm attracted to her.. i told her the truth- no. then she act like she is offended lol
     
  11. AudreyMarie

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    I came out to my brother first cause he is bisexual and is a lot more understanding than my traditional parents. I decided to take a very risky move and made a post on Facebook and came out to everyone else at the exact same time.

    However, that can burn (I have already lost contact with my father, and my mother thinks I am a joke)

    However, I got a TON of support from my friends, along with some advice and guidance which is always nice for people like us!
     
  12. FightingShadows

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    I came out to one of my friend's from work first. Then my cousin who gave me endless support and ideas on how to tell my parents. I told my friends on facebook the day after I told my parents through a status just saying that if anyone wanted to know what's up to message me. Few did because I had unconsciously been so out about my identity from the beginning, everyone just figured it out. Everyone's been great. Except my aunt who I got in an argument with and still don't talk to.
     
  13. Praetor

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    You're only 13! Take things slow, you have plenty of time to figure things out.

    When I was 13 I was pretty much convinced I was straight. Things sort of changed... when I was 17 I really began questioning hard. I guess looking back on my life there were probably a few signs, but I was completely oblivious to them, putting most of my effort into academics.

    I'm still in the stages of coming out myself, and like most LGBTs it's something that's continuous. I made a New Year's Resolution this past New Year's to come out to at least one person. In less than 7 days after, I did come out to someone over fb. A while past, and then I came out to a good friend a few months later. After that, I came out to another longtime friend of high school, and came out to the guy who is now my boyfriend (we both thought each other was straight for a long time lol). More recently, I came out to another friend from university.
    In all honesty I've yet to come out to my parents but that will all happen in due time. Parents are definitely the hardest to come out to.

    Reactions have all been positive or neutral. People who are truly your friends will either not care or be actively supporting.
     
  14. BradThePug

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    I came out to one of my best friends in high school. She had posted a video for her government class. It was about same-sex marriage. She was asking for opinions on the video. Well, long story short, I got into a long debate with a few people from my old church. I came out to her in the middle of a basketball game because we were in pep band. We were having this nice, emotional moment, and then we got yelled at for not paying attention..lol. It was a nice feeling to have somebody know my secret.
     
  15. Wells

    Wells Guest

    Sorry to hear about your parents, I suppose you're lucky though that your friends are there for you :slight_smile:
     
  16. 2112

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    Well, I had a dream one night when I was 15, at the beginning of last school year. I'm sure you can guess what it was about. That made me start questioning, then I went to school that day and there was a new (gay) guy. My mind was unprepared to block the feelings and the words slipped into my consciousness: "He's hot!". Luckily they didn't make it any further than that. That was the moment when I really knew. I guess you could say that I really did just wake up one morning and just knew that I was gay.

    I just started coming out recently. I told my parents on June 27, and I'll always remember the date because it was the day after the Supreme Court killed DOMA. They were both very accepting and said they had suspected it. My sister's reaction was the best. She told me that she actually likes me more now, because now she has someone to talk about guys with! She'll probably be disappointed when she realizes that her idea of hot is a little different than mine...

    No homophobia directly to me yet, but I also haven't told anyone outside of my family. I live in a very liberal city and most of the people I know don't have a problem with gay people. There are the "cool" super-masculine guys who call people faggots or queer for no reason, but they'll grow up eventually. There are only a few people I'm worried about, but mostly my uncle, who is very homophobic, and my cousin, who ironically is probably in the closet.
     
  17. redneck09

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    well I was 13 when I knew that I was lesbian but at the age of 22 I just recently began to come out. The first person I told was my best guy friend, his reaction was he was proud of me for finally deciding to be me. My parents were the hardest to tell because my family is a very religious one. When I told my parents they kicked me out but then an hour later called me and asked me to come home and that as long as I respect them and don't bring my lifestyle into their home that there isn't anything they can do about it.
     
  18. GayTeen

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    Well, throughout the 9th grade, I was convinced I was bi. Then, in literally the last week of school, I spontaneously realized that I was gay! It was pretty weird.
     
  19. Menaki-Neko

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    I told my mom first since we're pretty close. She was actually the one that I was worried the most about, since she's probably one of the few people on this planet who's opinions matter to me. She was pretty skeptical at first, but that's to be expected since she was actually homophobic beforehand. I guess I changed her opinion by coming out to her. :slight_smile: Anyways, I did experience homophobia with my dad. I noticed that dad's seem to be less understanding in general. We have a fair relationship (more like co-existing) now though, but he still doesn't really believe me. But that's alright with me. Just remember that when you do come out, it's almost always better than what you thought that it would be. :lol:
     
  20. blueberrymuffin

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    Hey there. It might seem daunting or scary at first, but odds are you will find acceptance from somewhere. Keep your head up. Since you are questioning, this won't apply to you yet, but if you get to that point...

    Told my roommate at college first, though being from a very small town, other kids guessed it much earlier and several even made life difficult. So I've been at the extremes of both acceptance and rejection. It was most stressful worrying about how friends would take it, or if my brother's friends would find out and tell our parents.

    If any of this goes badly for you, don't despair! Once you find support, those comments and antics won't get to you so much. That's why it helps to find some outlet early, whether it's this forum, or a gay youth center (if you live in a city), or just someone you can trust, even a therapist. Others may tell you wait until you are 'financially secure', but trust me, keeping a secret like that for so long can take a toll on your health.