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Coming out to super anti-gay mom y/n?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by theshybi, Jul 24, 2013.

  1. theshybi

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    Location:
    I live in North Carolina
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    This has caused me hours of contemplation. Simply put my mother is completely homophobic and was raised that way. My father is the same way, but he'd be more accepting.

    I'm not exactly homosexual, but I'm not straight either, I'm very bisexual with a love for women that probably outweighs my love for men. I know many straight up lesbians say that at first to ease their family into the discomfort, but with me it's totally true. I have a love for both genders and find them both attractive.

    Anyway, I've been dropping hints around my mom since two years ago and each time she flares up hostile at the hints, more so at the world that it's acceptable to be gay or bisexual, than at me. "Thank goodness none of my daughters were queer!" is actually one of her less offensive lines.

    So I'm not sure...should I come out to her? I'm so afraid. I don't want anyone to look at me different and having heard my mother call all those names to other people who love the same gender makes me very anxious. I could really care less what other people think, but when it comes to my family, specifically my mother whom I'm so close to it's not even funny, it really matters to me.
     
  2. Straight ally

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    First i must ask you, how old are you? Are financially independant? If yes then it might be good idea to come out,as it can turn unbearable to just hide that for too long, and its better than she suddenly finding out you have a girlfriend. Also, even if she gets angry or depressed at first, she could accept it with time and you might end with her ideas changed and her full support.

    On the other hand if you are not financially independant, wait till you are. It might not be so easy but its good idea so you can have your own place, so you can keep some distant at any initial anger, and its safer, as there have been cases of lgtb teens thrown out of the house.

    I also suggest you to start reading through the coming out stories's sub forum, that way you can see the different scenarios that can come up when coming out.

    :goodluck: (*hug*)
     
  3. Wells

    Wells Guest

    Wow. A hard case. I'm afraid whatever you hear here will not outweigh your initial decision, but it may alter it.
    I think you'll have to tell her at some point, it's hard to stay in the closet your life. Just make sure you've got enogh money for yourself (financially secure) and a place to go, because from what you've said, it probably isn't going to be a good reaction. Also, a lot of people will say she doesn't deserve you if she can't accept you for who you are, and vice versa, but this is hard to say when you're so close.
    Good luck anyways :slight_smile:
     
  4. Pat

    Pat
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    If you really feel innately that there's going to be an issue with it, I'd say financial independence is going to be the first step for you. And then you'd want to go ahead and complete yourself. I think a lot of times we worry about other people's feelings more than our own. You have to do what makes you happy, and when the kettle is hot... and the whistle is blowing.. it's time for you to come on out. Another thing is that we're often obsessed with control.. We can't control how someone will respond to us..and we don't already know definitively how it'll turn out. So withholding it can be good or bad. I'd say be financially independent if you aren't yet.. and then that would be the best time to come out as a bisexual.
     
  5. rusteejay

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    The problem with coming out as bisexual is a general obsession of a straight answer. People will be asking, " are you lesbian or straight?". Sadly, being a bisexual makes less sense to people than being straight up gay or lesbian. How can you like both? People will ask that. Its a tough decision and unfortunately I'd see which you are more likely to end up in a relationship with and take it from there. If you have a girlfriend it will make more sense to most than you liking both. I guess I understand it. People won't know what to expect. Predictability is a massive part of contentment. People get tired of it, but realistically we all seek it. That's why the world is so unstable, because people cannot deal with the unpredictable nature of politics, economy and the people we meet everyday.

    All I'm really saying is that you should show caution to uncertainty and figure things out. You don't have to take a side and stick with it, merely seek an answer for other people, even if you can't find one yourself. I may have moved too quick and labelled myself gay instead of considering my attraction to girls... But since I came out I don't look at girls the same. Almost like I was trying to level things out to stay neutral. I'm very neutral on a lot of things but, I've taken my side. Maybe you should do the same. I'm not sure though. The heart wants what the heart wants and if yours doesn't want to make a decision then don't do. Just be considerate of the world around you and the world will treat you right. Rock the boat too much and chaos breaks out.
     
  6. JustAnotherSoul

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    This is such a hard topic!

    My first question is are you financially dependent on your mom at all? If you are, don't come out.

    After that, it's totally up to you. At the point where being closeted is too hard, it's time to come out. If you think that having her really mad at you, and possibly pretending you don't exist would be harder than keeping quiet (which they used to call "keeping mum," just a fun fact), then there's no shame in that.

    Here's an adorable story though of a Mormon mother accepting her daughter. NOTE: Please visit Krista's blog, here for the full post with awesome pictures inside (scroll down a bit to find the story).

     
  7. rusteejay

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    Okay, that story was fucking awesome.
     
  8. JustAnotherSoul

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    It's what I read when I'm sad and the world seems like an awful place (*hug*)
     
  9. theshybi

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    Location:
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    Thanks so much for all your responses. They are all really great and give me a lot to think about. To answer some of your questions I am FINANCIALLY dependent, but home-wise I do still live at home and really, in this economy and with my job, do not have enough money to set foot out on my own just yet. So I guess a little longer in my closet will be needed :/
     
  10. Ettina

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    How old are you? Are you dependent on your parents?

    Worst outcome, you might get kicked out. Do you have a way to take care of yourself if that happens?