hmm. I just found this site after searching "gay help" on google. I guess I am just confused. I don't know my feelings yet. I get aroused by my own gender, I fantasize about my own gender, however, I do have this confusing longing for girls. First about girls-- The best way to describe it is that deep down internally I long for a great relationship with a girl, talking, cuddling, kissing. Everything has a strong feeling except for, well, for lack of better terms, excitement and stimulation from the anatomy. This empty hole in my feelings is filled with all of my seemingly "gay" fantasies. They are real, and I want to say beyond curious right now. I know. I have never been kissed or in a serious relationship with a girl, or for that matter a guy, you can call me a virgin-virgin. My questions and fears that I pose from this are as follows- - When I look into my future and deeply foresee what I want, I see myself married to a women with children. My question is, if that is what I REALLY want, what will satisfy me sexually? Why do I think this way, when in the NOW, I am more polar opposite? Does this mean that I am thinking to enjoy life gay now and ditch it in the future?and how is that even possible? One thing for certain, is that I don't see myself with a gay future - that meaning I don't see myself with a marital gay partner or being a gay senior citizen, haha, that is why I am weird. Why do I think so strongly about "gay" now, but deep in my consciousness think that it will all just go away... -That is the future, but even more questions are in the 'now'. I have already said that I am certain that my sexual desires are homosexual in nature, but I desire much from a heterosexual relationship. The thought of bonding and having sex with a girl sounds very erotic for me, but the issue is getting the penis up! I sound so weird. Is this a common confusion? I can't tell if this is all 'attention' even though this is all deeply secret and closeted, or if this is a longing desire. By coming out, I find a release of a burden by being free, but then cut off by my female desire. wtf I am weird. I am hoping that my registration to this site will allow me to talk with people with the same situations, and also discover myself more.
Hey Kgmn - welcome to Empty Closets I'll just quickly point out the coming out guide at the top of these forums LINK. The sections on seeking your own identity might be useful for you. I think the main problem you have is that you're trying to sort out your sexuality, but you're letting your ideals of the future cloud that. You've probably grown up with the expectations that you'll marry a girl and have a family and grow old together. It's difficult to just throw that idea away, when its something that you've known your whole life. Personally, I was in a similar situation to you. I loved girls and lusted over guys. In fact there was a time where the thought of kissing a guy actually grossed me out a little, because my feelings for men were purely sexual. I didn't really think much of it - I considered myself bisexual; have fun with boys now, but ultimately I'd settle down with a girl and get married. I suppose my revelation was when I met my first real gay friend. After being friends for months I realised I had fallen in love with him - It wasn't lust. I wanted more. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to spend all my time with him and so on. After feeling such strong emotions for another guy I was kinda shocked, but at the same time came to the realisation that my feelings for guys could expand beyond simple and lust and into something much deeper. The point is don't expect to rush things, experience more of both the heterosexual and homosexual worlds. See where that leads you. Your plans for the future change all the time - so don't let that hold you back.
