Well, I think I just lost a friend. So two days ago, I'm sitting in band class, with my friend "K". She likes this really popular guy, named "S". Here's how the dialogue goes. Her: Well I was looking for pictures of "S" on his cousin's myspace. I found really pretty pictures of someone you like. Me: Why were you looking up pictures of him? That's just a bit creepy. Her: Well, well Me ( I interrupted her): I mean, he doesn't like you and he's not going to like you. Just face it. I'm sorry if this seems mean, but its true. Then she storms off, pissed off and hurt. I feel bad for hurting feelings, but all day everyday all I hear about is "S" and how hot he is and blah BLAH BLAH!!! I couldn't take it anymore. I ask her for advice about my crushes, but I don't sit there and go on about how hot a particular girl is. I do that because I respect her sexuality and don't want to put her in an akward position. Plus, "K" snaps at me for no reason at all. Persay she has a headache and I don't know about it, she'll scream at me for being loud or talking. She does this everyday and I never get a "hey, I'm sorry for earlier." Not once. I feel like I'm not being respected in the way I should be. Then, today, "K" comes up to me in band class. This is the dialogue. Her: "I'm not pissed at you. You were just mean and it hurt my feelings. Me: "Well, I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Her: "Well, I'm sick of hearing about the three people you like WHO WILL NEVER LOVE YOU". Then she storms off again. I responded by standing up and throwing my books. I almost ripped my notebook. In some ways I don't even want to continue this friendship with all the crap I get subjected to. But in other ways, I want to try and repair this friendship. HELP!
Three main points to get across here. And, sadly, none of them are really positive. * So you want all the positives that come with the friendship, but none of the negatives? Sorry - it's a package deal. The baggage comes with the person. * Maybe K can get snippy about things, and never apologizes for her outbursts. That doesn't give you carte blanche to act likewise. It's not cool when she does it, and it's not cool when you do it. * Some people feel that it's OK to say things simply because they're true. Maybe S won't ever even spare a glance at K. That's certainly possible. But there's no need to smack her in the face with the cold reality of it, under the guise of "helping". We've all mooned over celebrities and people we'll never have. Even if her interest in S was getting to the point where it was getting unhealthy, there are better ways to help her move on besides announcing that she doesn't have a prayer with this guy. Such delusions are like sharp knives in the hands of children - you want to coax it gently out of their hands rather than yank it away and slash them to ribbons. If you really and truly want to salvage this relationship, you're going to have to own up to your own mistakes and errors. It doesn't matter how many more times SHE's done it, or if HER failings are much worse than yours - you've got to own up to where you went wrong, and apologize for what you've done. You don't necessarily have to take back what you said, but you can (and should) apologize for how you said it. "I was kind of snippy to you the other day about you and S, and that was sort of uncalled for. I'm sorry about that." Lex
I agree about the baggage part. I've tried to help her through everything I can. Heck, I even convinced her to tell "S" she liked him. "K" has a lot of famil issues, like myself, her dad's an asshole, so I help her out with that. I understand everyone has problems and I'm like a conselour to my friends. The problem I have with her snippiness is, she tends to do it everyday, not apologize, and when I say "hey, that really hurt my feelings", she acts like it never happened. As for her obsession, me and all the rest of her friends keep telling her, nicely, that she should let go. I've tried everything I know, and I just can't take the talks about how he looked at her, or how he talked to her. Talking to your crush is not something to write CNN about, really, unless you guys have agreed to date. But just a simple "Hi" isn't really of extreme importance.
>>>But just a simple "Hi" isn't really of extreme importance. Not to you. But it is to her. We all talk about the stuff we're interested in. Even when we try to minimize it somewhat, our interests are going to shine through. The quarterback will bore you with football talk, the art student will annoy you with talk about her latest masterpiece, and you can bet the Star Trek geek is going to bring up the Kirk-vs-Picard thing. And these things may not be of any interest to us, but they're interesting to THEM. When my friend told me how he geeked out at the end of the Iron Man movie, it didn't mean anything to me. But I understood the feeling. I understood getting overly excited about something that most people would feel is trivial, and wanting to share that with the world, even though most wouldn't understand. I don't get it, but I can empathize. So I didn't call him a comic book geek and insist we change topics. I nodded my head, asked a few (hopefully relevant) questions, and then we talked about other things. Maybe K is so besotten with S that that's all she talks about now. That happens from time to time. And it may be totally obvious to you that a relationship with her isn't in the cards at all. But I'm sure you recognize the feeling. The giddy "well, maybe..." grasping-at-straws thing we've all been through. That's where she's at. And if you want to salvage the friendship, you're going to have to at least empathize with her. Not encourage it, or praise it, but recognize it for what it is. So when she brings up yet another "he looked at me" moment, you can smile indulgently and say "Yeah, I know the feeling". It's clear that this fascination is pretty deep, so you're either going to have to suck it up and listen to the latest installment of the saga, or you're going to have to minimize contact until it blows over. It's certainly not going to stop simply because you'd like it to. Lex
Dude this is what you have to do. I got a feeling she will come back to you. But if she doesn't I dont think you guys will be friends again. Just don't talk to her and ignore her, and eventually she will want to come back to you and talk to you. That's what I've done with people that mess around and are assholes sometimes.
Hmm I sorta agree half-way about the advice so far. While the baggage thing may be true, I know it can be extremely frustrating to have a friend who talks non-stop about some dude, and doesn't even appear to be trying to minimalize it so that it isn't as annoying for the people on the hearing-end. It's like me and Celine Dion. I could go on about her for ages, but because I know people will get bored, I tone it down and only mention her once every so often, and then my interest in Celine Dion becomes a quirk rather than an annoyance. You've obviously tried a number of times to get her to let go of this obsession, but she must be in there deep if she still hasn't. I personally think only time will make it fade because with it will come the realization that he'll never be with her. It might be a pain for you to have to go through the torture of hearing about him every single day, but is it really worth losing a friendship over? If it gets to the point where you're *really* annoyed with her, tell her that you appreciate she really likes this guy, but have heard her talk about him quite a lot, and would like a change of subject once every so often at least. If that causes her to storm off, that's her problem, not yours. You wouldn't be acting mean by trying to make a compromise. I hope things work out!
Thanks for the advice guys. I guess the reason I want her to let go of this guy is because she told him that she had feelings for him (through a note). He wrote a note back saying "well, I was very flattered that you feel that way, but I don't like you that way, I'm sorry". Also, it's also her mood swings. Okay, I don't mind if every once and a while she snapped at me, I could deal with that. But she did it almost everyday, without warning, or without telling me that she was in a bad mood. If someone tells me they're in a bad mood, I won't do anything to put them in a worse mood, I just have to have the information, then I'm okay.
Well, my friend came up to me today, and we tried to talk it out. It went pretty well, and now I'm friends with her again, its pretty cool.
