Hi people. I am a 25-year-old female musician. I've always identified as bisexual but only recently have come to realize that males just do not do it for me anymore. I feel like I am in deep shit, as I have a boyfriend of almost 3 years and I love him very, very much. We also play in a band together, and please believe me when I tell you that I could never in my life imagine anyone replacing him as my drummer, and as my business partner in music. He is a genius musician and together we are musical soulmates. We're at a crucial point in our musical career together where we have a significant chance of success, but only if we keep working hard every day. We also live together in a house that I love. If we break up, it's possible I could lose him as a bandmate, though we've always said we want to play music together no matter what. As I said, I have a lot to lose. I've already told him my fears that I am probably a lesbian, which was a terrifying thing to do, and we both cried all night over the possibility of having to end our relationship. Out of fear and confusion we both decided to stay together, to "see if we can make it work." And it feels good to reaffirm that love. But nevertheless, I dream constantly of being with women, especially in bed with him, where everything feels kind of weird and I have to fantasize about women in order to feel truly aroused. I know this can't go on forever, but I love this man so much, and seeing him cry was one of the most painful moments of my life. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Besides that, if I break up with him, I egregiously fuck up both our lives, and we and our bass player will all have to move out of this amazing house we all love and had a lot of trouble finding so that my boyfriend and I can go be sad in separate apartments and try to start over. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Having to come out to a partner where there was a LOT to lose? How do I even begin to think of trying to live true to myself with so much at stake?
Are you me? I came out last year at the age of 29 to my boyfriend of 5 years. He is my crewmate in breakdancing, we compete together and have supported each others' dreams ever since we have started. He is my dancing soulmate. I understand the dreams about women and having to think about girls in order to be aroused. I used to rationalize it was normal and "all girls did it". We did have to move apart and it has been very rough, but I think we are going to be fine as best friends. If you guys were best friends before and your relationship is based on friendship, it should work out in the end. I'm still working out how to think of him as "just a friend", though, I still get jealous when I think of him with other girls, which is totally posessive and unfair.
Wow... thanks for the testimony. Sounds like yeah, I'm you and you're me. I know exactly what you mean about the jealousy and all that... it makes me a little nauseated to think of him with other women. I'm sure he feels the same way about me. To be clear, he's not grossed out by homosexuality by any means, he just doesn't have "different rules" for boys and girls in the relationships he undertakes. If I were to go out and kiss a girl at a bar tonight it would be every bit as deceitful as kissing a boy. I respect that about him. So yeah, we're both pretty horrified at the idea of giving each other up to the whole rest of the world. And we're halfway through recording the most amazing and epic studio album ever produced, and I stand a very good chance of messing the whole thing up. Just kidding, but it will be a pretty sweet album.
Just out of curiosity, what genre? I'm not gonna ask the name of the band for your own privacy. Anyways, I've read many a time that the kinsey level of some bi people fluctuates from time to time. Are you sure that you're not just a bi girl who's feeling more attracted to women in this point in time?
Hey gypsy. The genre's hard to describe but think somewhere near the intersection of Brazilian tropicália, 70's soul and baroque classical. As for your other comment, thanks for articulating a lot of my own personal worries. I often wonder if this is just a phase and that after going through with this huge breakup and catastrophe and transformation, I might end up missing the male touch and seriously regret my decision. But something inside me suggests otherwise. I don't know. It's a good question, and I'd love it if any other bisexual ladies or lesbians out there can shed light on the subject. Did any of you maybe spend your youth as a bisexual and then just one day wake up and know you were done with boys? And stay that way?
Weird, sounds pretty cool :icon_bigg Honestly, if you're unsure and you don't want to deal with the aftermath, maybe try waiting it out for a little while to be sure? Probably best to wait until you're done in the studio.
This option might sound really awkward to you, but as I'm a very open-minded person, I see all the possibilities, and understand it is not for everyone to accept. See, if you love your actual boyfriend, and that its seems to be only in bed that you have a problem, maybe you could have some sort of an open relationship together ? If you agree on the terms of it, like, you can go off and be with girls in bed, while you two are still partner in life. I know it is know very conventionnal, but what's with the conventions, right ? Also, since you're only 25, and do not seem to be married, you might not want to wake up at 40 and realize you've been foolish to not be truly who you are. I am a strong supporter of personal freedom, since we have only one shot at this, so you might as well get the best of it and think for yourself like 70 % of the time(and then the 30% left, you think about other people and consequences). Of course, there is the music commitment, which is important for you two. So maybe you could explore the first idea ? I'm just saying, you know... Ain't easy stuff :/
Hey nouvelle vague. Funny you should mention that option; it's something we've sort of discussed in the past when I was just complaining about being bisexual and frustrated, but he was very resistant at the time. It's possible he might reconsider at this point, since our relationship is at stake, but it makes me feel like I'd be using an open relationship to hold him hostage, in a way. Know what I mean? Also, I seriously want to expatriate to France ASAP. Any advice for me?
Haha, expatriate ? Like come over here to live here, or to study ? Something else even ! 'cause that's two different things x_x Well, see, that's a way things could work. It's not holding him hostage. It depends on your values, too. If, say, he thinks love includes 'wanting to having sex with the person too' (So this heart, body and mind stuff), then, I think there might be a problem. Now if you think loving someone is different from wanting someone (So, love does not mean necessarily desire), it shouldn't be a problem to handle. See, people could think that just loving someone is not 'it' and you need to want that person, too, otherwise it's friendship of affection. Well, I personally think that there are two things important to consider : Love has different degrees (from friendship to true love) and the needs in your life change from different stages... Maybe now you would want an open relationship, then maybe later you'd realize you need love and desire for only and only one person in your life... It's about the kind of lifestyle you want to have, and that is acceptable for you and people involved, I think (Keeping in mind that sacrifying your own happiness is ok for a while, but not for a lifetime)
Good advice, Nouvelle. I think maybe the boyfriend and I need to have an open discussion on some of those topics, and maybe define our terms a little bit. I don't really know how to admit to him that the sexual attraction isn't really there for me, but I suppose I'll have to if I'm going to find out how we might redefine our relationship. And yes, I'd really like to move to France permanently. My French is almost conversational; let me know if you'd like to help me practice
I do see the risks here. But as your current partner, he should sympathize what your going through. You two seem very close and I feel as though he would be understanding. The fact that you two have been together for so long shows why you are second guessing your decision to tell him. Also, a relationship is not always based on sexual compatibility... if what you say is true (that you love him and he loves you) he should acknowledge the fact that you are sexually attracted to another sex, yet still emotionally attracted to him. If you have already told him your fears before, and you both cried, than he's most likely expecting some kind of response of whether you're lesbian or still bi-sexual. As far as a bandmate, no professional connections should solely be based on a relationship, whether it's a Band, Choreography Group, Business Partners or anything because at one point they conflict with each other. So even if you don't want to continue the relationship, your connection as bandmates should not change towards him, and if he's as understanding as he seems now, then he should understand. I hope you enjoy my advice, and it sets your mind at ease a bit. Once again it is just advice, i'm not forcing you to do anything And congrats on 5 years, that's an amazing feat!
