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My life is falling apart....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jeffers10, May 8, 2008.

  1. Jeffers10

    Jeffers10 Guest

    Hey, All.

    This will probably be fairly long so if you don't read all of it, that's okay. If you do read all of it, thank you!

    I just got my grades for the past semester at my university. They were horrible...at least, based on my parents' standards and what I know I can achieve they were horrible. I have this deal with my parents where they will pay for college provided I get a certain grade point every semester. I didn't obtain said grade point this time. Unfortunately, when I don't get the grade point, I have to pay for any class I didn't get a B or better in. That means this semester, I owe my parents $2,259. This is more than I have in my savings account right now. They will also likely to not help pay for my apartment next semester.

    Unfortunately, if they don't help, I can't live there. If I can't live there, that screws over my roommates because the rent will go up for them. Plus, I'll have to pay a huge cancellation fee which I have no money for. I am trying to get a job, but it isn't easy around here. I've applied to around 20 places and gotten one response.

    I really don't want to stay at my parents house during next semester either. We are within driving distance to my university - around 30 minutes - but I won't have any friends around. Plus, I don't know if I can deal with my parents constantly looking over my shoulder after two years of living in the dorms.

    The money thing makes it harder. I've been getting in trouble for spending money. They say "what can you possibly be spending money on?" They don't know I am gay; they don't know about my boyfriend. I love him so much. We've talked about all of this, and he said no matter what happens with my parents, it won't affect him and me. Unfortunately, he's living in the dorms next year, so I won't be able to see him hardly at all if I'm stuck at home.

    My mom insulted me last night by saying "well, looking at your grades, maybe college isn't for you." My grades were B+, B, C, C, D-. The D- I will probably end up retaking. This brought my total grade point to 2.90. I realize those grades aren't stellar, and I had a bad semester. I admit I didn't try as hard as I could have, but after grades like that, I'm willing to do everything to fix it. They don't believe me though. They say "no, they're just getting worse."

    I don't know what to do. I don't know how to show them that I am just as upset about those grades as they are and that I desperately want to fix them. I'm trying to get a job but it is hard.

    I don't know what to do. I love my boyfriend. My parents don't know about him so they think I'm being secretive and don't like them. I want to tell my mom, I don't think she'd care, but I'm terrified. I don't want my dad to know. He is Catholic.

    I don't know what to do. Coming home is like walking back into the closet. It's like lying to myself and everyone around me all over again, after being completely open for the better part of a year at my university. I don't want to live at home next semester.

    If you read all of that, thank you. I really appreciate it. Any suggestions or comments will be much appreciated.

    - Jeff

    (I figure, what the heck, you guys can know my first name...not like you can't guess lol)
     
  2. Jim1454

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    Hey Jeff. Sorry to hear about your marks. If you've had a lot of other stuff going on in your life, I can certainly understand how university marks could suffer. I know my work performance has suffered as a result of my tumultuous personal life over the past couple of years. Thankfully I don't have any exams on any of the subjects...

    Hmmm - what to do...

    The first thing that comes to mind would be to take a break from school. Ask for a 'leave of absence' or whatever it would be called and take a semester off. Or maybe a year off. It would give you the opportunity to 'regroup' from an academic perspective as well as earn yourself a bit of cash for savings. It might give you the opportunity to come out to your parents as well - without causing more drama in your life which would in turn further affect your grades. There would be drama by the sounds of it - just not while you're also trying to improve your marks at university.

    Otherwise, I'm not sure what to suggest. Honesty, in the end, is usually the best policy. Only we can usually only see this in retrospect. I'd think that your mom would better understand why you're struggling and being secretive if she knew what you were really hiding. Because she may be suspecting you of having gotten hooked up with a bad crowd, or drinking or drugs...

    Good luck, and keep us posted.
     
  3. Ilayis

    Ilayis Guest

    I'd really try to get them to believe that you are mad about your grades as hard as you can.
    Maybe try to work something out with them about paying the two grand.Maybe paying it after college just so you dont have more weight put on your shoulders just trying to make it threw college.
     
  4. Lexington

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    One of the main purposes of college (high school, too, even) is to teach you to be an adult. And one of the hardest lessons to learn - and by "hardest", I mean "most painful" - is that actions have consequences.

    Your parents didn't spring this deal on you.
    They set the terms.
    You accepted them.
    And you failed to meet them.
    Thus, you owe them the money.

    Begging for another chance, or trying to convince them that you didn't mean to do so poorly only reinforces that you haven't learned this one lesson. You didn't live up to your end of the deal, so you're gonna have to pay the penalty for doing so.

    Yes, living at home sucks compared to dorm life. But you knew what you had to do if you wanted to remain in the dorms. And, by your own admission, you didn't work hard enough in order to do that. These grades aren't fixable. The horse is long gone from that stable.

    Like I said, this lesson is tough.

    What can you do? Nothing ideal. You can move back home, try to get a part-time job, and balance that and school and your boyfriend. But you had a hard enough time juggling just two of those. You can take a leave of absence, get a job (one beneath your station if that's all that's available), and work your butt off to pay off your parents. And with every burger you flip or purchase you ring up, you can remember why you'll be studying like a mofo when you get back to school.

    Sorry. Wish there was an easy answer to this one. But rest assured that this is one lesson you'll presumably NEVER forget.

    lex
     
  5. Mirko

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    Hi Jeff,

    Sorry that your term didn't go as well as you would have liked. But keep in mind, everyone has a bad term or courses once in a while. It happens, especially when you have other issues lingering around that affect your academic performance. If you have the chance and if you want to do it, retake the D- class. Go for it! How did you do last term? When you talk to your parents again perhaps you could put your past term marks in some perspectives and show that this was just a slip up and that you can do better.

    If this does not work than I would think about the suggestion from Jim. Maybe it would be a good idea to take a breather and try getting some employment/income over the summer so that you can support your education. Also keep in mind that a lot of universities have also on-campus job opportunities for students, which allows students to work and continue their education. I think it would be worthwhile to look into it for subsequent terms. Just thinking about it....maybe this could also help with convincing your parents that you are serious about your education and that the past term was an exception and they might be willing to reconsider.

    On coming out to your parents, that's a difficult one. I haven't been there myself yet, but maybe before you say something, you could test the waters with your mom and if you feel that she would be supportive and better understand you than maybe come out to her. I do agree with Jim that if she would know, it might make things a bit easier for you, and she might be willing to reconsider her stance and still support your education because than she knows the real reason as to what is going on in your life. But coming out to your mom is entirely up to you and only do it when you feel that you are ready for it. The last thing you want is getting yourself into an even more stressful situation.

    I hope this is of some help. If you want, feel free to pm as well. Good Luck with everything! Hang in there...
     
    #5 Mirko, May 8, 2008
    Last edited: May 8, 2008
  6. moonlight

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    Hi Jeff,

    I don't have much to offer right now but I just wanted to let you know that I had read your post.

    I'm sorry your parents are giving you such a hard time right now.
     
  7. J Schuelke

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    I'm sorry to hear about your grades and your parents. It sounds like you are really trying to do well. Don't worry, everyone has their bad moments whether it be a bad semester or bad day, sooner or later, you will have to deal with them. As for your parents, I think the only way to prove them wrong is to do just that. When you get back to school for your next semester, just totally focus on school and strive for the good grades. College can be quite tough, I myself am just finishing my second semester, and it wasn't easy at all. College seems to mess with someone one way or another. For me, it cut time away from me when I really needed it. I missed hanging out with my friends a lot and I wasn't able to see them as much. But that is when you make sacrifices. In your case, it might just be to deal with living with your parents, despite how much you don't want to.

    It's nice that your boyfriend understands the situation, and that he will stay with you no matter what. It sucks that you won't be able to spend as much time with each other, but look at it this way, not being able to spend a lot of time together will test your relationship. If he is any way that he sounds, then he will be still commited to you even after your schooling. Be patient and just wait it out, eventually everything will smooth over and you will be able to enjoy yourself.

    I hoped this helped in some way, shape or form. Good luck on your classes, living with your parents and your boyfriend. Hang in there.:thumbsup:
     
  8. Jeffers10

    Jeffers10 Guest

    Thanks for all the responses everyone. I haven't told my dad my grades yet, but when I do, I'll let you all know how it works out.
     
  9. Mirko

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    You are welcome! Hope it will turn out well. Keep us informed.
     
  10. Leigh

    Leigh Guest

    i hope everything turns out ok for you... wish i had more practical advice - sorry.
    pm if u need to chat!
    (*hug*)