husband wants to come out to kids

I haven't spent alot of time thinking about such situations, but on first thoughts I'd agree... why?

If he was in love with a man and wanted to leave, that would be a different matter... But parents dont normally sit their kids down and tell them what kind of sex they like to have or what they're into in that way... and at least from my point of view, that's what category this falls into.

Then I guess there is the other side.. "why hide it?".

Maybe wait till they're a little older? Thats my first reaction.

 

Hi I agree its a difficult situations. Perhaps you can come to some kind of compromise where he tells them he is bisexual but not all details, although I realise this might be harder than it sounds if they have questions, you would have to set limits beforehand.

 

well I would like to be the person to point out a couple things here.

1) Coming out is a personal experience, and it is something someone does for oneself. It is something your husband would be doing because it would make him feel more comfortable and honest with your kids and there is no way of gauging the level of discomfort it cause him to be dishonest about it unless you are him. My guess is he knows something of the ramifications that could arise and he has accepted that the relief that will come from being honest is worth it, at least to him. If people never came out because of how other people might react or the effects it would have on others almost none of us would.

2) Coming out doesn't mean discussing any sexual details just being honest, and I think if you discuss with him what you are ok and not ok with in regards to details he discloses that would let you avoid any complications. For example if you both agree he only discloses things that have happened before the marriage took place and only if questions about it arise.

3) If your son is slightly homophobic then this could just as easily be something which makes him feel differently about gay people. A lot of people who think it is wrong, weird, bad, etc change their minds about it when one of "those" people becomes their close friends or family and they are forced to deal with their homophobia as it pertains to their friend or family member. It also helps break down stereotypes, etc.

4) Another point to make is that, that sort of dishonesty is only ever damaging and all it does is eat and grow on someone and never go away. homophobia and misconceptions about LGBT people however can be changed. You are these kids parents it would be your job to educate them on bisexual and other LGBT people and create an environment where they are informed about Gay people and accepting of them for many reasons.
- because they have a bi father
- because it is perfectly likely they will have gay or bi children and you don't want your grandkids to be raised in an environment where their parents are not going to accept them for who they are
- because it is morally the right thing to do to ensure they are better people, tolerance and acceptance are not equivalent to homophobia and ignorance and by allowing your kid to walk around with that idea, and uninformed, you enforce the idea that it is ok to feel that way

5) Most people who are homophobic or think there is something wrong with same sex attraction have it themselves (studies show) and it is believed sexuality is genetic on some level. Your kids issue may be that he has had bisexual feelings and isn't coping with them well (which would especially make sense if he has been exposed to gay people and informed about them). Your husband coming out may then be a benefit to your son, giving him a place to know he would be understood and a role model who can relate to his experiences.

6) Your husband having a son with views about LGBT people that include "wrong" or "gross" could be far more harmful to your husband than your son being forced to deal with the fact that he has a bisexual father. Also in this scenario only one of those sets of things is truth.

7) It is the truth, he is bisexual. There is no point pretending he is not especially if you believe gay and bisexual people are not deserving of different treatment and especially if you believe there is nothing wrong with people being bisexual. Clearly your husband still is in love with you and you two have a functioning marriage that works for you both. There is nothing wrong with making it clear to your kids that bisexual people can meet someone of the opposite sex get married and live a normal life.

8) I would never, ever, ever advise someone not to come out unless they where in a situation where it would mean they would be in physical danger or in danger of losing their home or those they may be dependent on (which usually only applies to young kids). Staying in the closet is incredibly detrimental to the person doing it bisexual, gay, or otherwise, and the negative effects are the same.

I say if your husband wants to come out discuss the details of how he will do it and what information you will be ok with him talking about to your kids and simply make sure you do it together and that it is a joint effort. Don't let it become a point of contention in your marriage, and don't let it weigh on him any longer. Do it together and make it clear that it doesn't change anything you just thought they where old enough to know without handling it badly. Bring up your concerns about his parents knowing or other family as well and ask that they not tell anyone as disclosing this kind of information is a personal thing and up to the person who is disclosing it to decide if and when people know. Both of you might want to take the time to get better informed about LGBT people, coming out, etc. and look up information on coming out to your kids.

If they do ask if this means their father has sex with men despite being married you want to have an answer prepared wether it is a no, yes, or "our sex life is not any of your concern and both of you are happy with it". Inform them that his bisexual status does not change anything outside of who he is capable of finding attractive and makes him no more likely to break your trust than anyone else and that he hasn't (you can keep the agreement part hushed if you would rather them not know).

Or if you feel very brazen explain to them that marriage doesn't always mean monogamy and a healthy relationship is one of trust and agreement and be totally honest. In this scenario you explain how it has benefited your relationship and that it is a normal thing that plenty of people do. Of course stress that it is ok because you both are in the know and agreed to it, and it is something that you are completely comfortable with which mutually benefits the relationship. Knowing more statistics and information on open relationships especially as they pertain to marriage may be beneficial here. Of course this may be a bit to much to take on in one sitting.


Teenagers are not fragile or unable to handle this stuff. If anything it is an appropriate time to broach the subject. Just make sure their questions and concerns are addressed and make sure they are informed about how it all works. If you haven't taken the time to discuss how LGBT people are born that way and show there is a lot of science to back it up and that you both are 100% accepting of LGBT people and expect the house to be the same you should. And maybe before his coming out sit down and talk with each kid individually about questions or concerns they may have over gay people.

If they want to know why your reasoning could be you have lots of LGBT friends and you just thought it a good idea to make sure they where informed or that it is that you wanted to make sure they know that you as parents are informed and accepting regardless of who they are, their friends are, etc. Or just preface the coming out with a sit down informing them about LGBT people and make it all one conversation (my recommendation).

Regardless the important point is that you talk with your husband about how you want to do it, what information you want discussed and not discussed, how you will handle certain questions, what responses you will have if things you don't want discussed are touched on, and what you will do if there seems to be a negative reaction. Ultimately the best thing you can do is make sure to be very well informed on the issues and make sure your children are able to voice questions and concerns and received an informed and satisfying answer.

 

Well, your arrangement aside, I guess I can understand the need to be open to your kids. I mean, really, your question is "why?", but I think you should try to answer the other one: "why not?". If the answer has anything to do with him having sex with men, then you are shooting the wrong target. I mean, if you had a deal where he had sex with other women a few times a year, that wouldn't mean anything for telling the kids he's straight, right? Of course not, because those are two different things.

So, why wouldn't he tell them? Of course he doesn't need to tell any specifics. He hasn't told them a lot about hetero sex that he's had over the years, I assume?
Why wouldn't they know their father as the person he is, rather than a figure you think he should be? In any case, it could help them become a better person and him to feel better about himself and his relationship with his children.

I think it's a bad thing to protect anyone's xenophobia, including your children's. You say that they would feel the burden of having a bi dad, but what you are really saying is that you agree and acknowledge that it's ok that being gay is a burden and that it's acceptable to keep it away from children. To that, consider your sentence: "so that means [...] my son is carrying the burden of having a bi dad". Now just swap "bi" for "black", "Jew" or similar and you will see what's making me twitch in that statement


Right, now that I've read this post again I realize it seems as if I'm attacking you. I'm really not. I realize this is a difficult situation for you as well. So, apologies if anything I said offends you; it's not my intention. I'm not saying you are wrong in being worried, but that maybe you are getting a skewed view on this.

 

I just want to echo everything Beachboi92 wrote - I think it was fantastic, and covered everything I'd want to say on the issue.

Your discomfort with him coming out is understandable, because it involves your life as well. However, there is no reason that personal sexual acts have to come up. If I come out as gay to someone, and they ask me: "Hey are you a top or a bottom?" That's an inappropriate question on their part. When someone comes out - it's not about sex. It's about being honest.

Obviously, I don't know your husband, but keeping the fact that he likes guys as well as women a secret from your sons is something that could undermine his relationship with your children. This is especially true if one of them is homophobic. Just imagine your oldest son saying something homophobic, and your husband having to sit there and listen to it - unable to respond out of fear of where that conversation could lead.

The fact that one of your sons is homophobic is all the more reason for your husband to be honest with them, because that's an opportunity to change their minds, and to set an example. Neither of them - 14 and 17 years old - are too young to have this conversation.

Now, if your husband wants to go into detail about what he does in clubs that's another story all together. That can be problematic. Not just for you, but from your children's perspective: TMI. Too Much Information. It's not as if most children WANT to know what their parents do sexually, and from what you've written I don't think that's your husbands intention. You can correct me here if I'm wrong.

However, some questions inevitably come up for example: "Does this mean you want to have a relationship with a man and a woman?" "What does Mom think?" "Are you and Mom breaking up?"

These are easy questions to answer. What does Mom think? She knew before we got married and has been supportive all these years. We are both very happy.

Are you and Mom breaking up? No! We're happy together. I just thought you both were old enough to know, and it was time to be completely honest.

Does this mean you want to have a romantic relationship with a man and a woman? Your mother and I are very happy, and the only romantic relationship I want is with her.

Does this mean you have sex with men? Well, my personal sex life is private, and I'd prefer not to discuss that. What I am doing here is being honest about my attraction toward men.

Now that last question, they could draw any conclusions that they want from that. They can assume that he has sex with men outside of the relationship, but if you're standing there and saying that you've known since the beginning, and that you both are very happy. That's all they need to know. If they want intimate details (and the likelihood of that is VERY slim), all you have to do is stand your ground and say that your private lives are just that - private.

I think your making the mistake of assuming gay or bisexuality equals sex. That wouldn't be shocking considering the type of relationship your husband has with other men is strictly sexual. However, being gay or bisexual is much more than just sex - it's part of who you are, it's part of your identity as a person. It's not just something you do behind closed doors when no one is looking, and it influences you in ways that can be difficult for someone who is straight to understand.

That's not to say that heterosexuality - someone who is completely straight - isn't impacted the same way by their sexual orientation. They are impacted that way. However, because it's open and accepted, and tagged with the dreaded "normal" label they aren't forced to think about it. When you meet a male and female married couple the first time, and are making friends - you do not define them as sex objects. You see them as people first, and yes - if they're married chances are they are having sex. You know this in the back of your mind, but it's not really a topic of conversation or something you really think about.

The same exact thing is true for gay and bisexual people. The sex aspect of being gay or bisexual is just ONE aspect of our lives. However, it influences other aspects of our lives as well. Your husband likely wants to share those OTHER aspects of his life with your children - the non-sexual parts.

In the end, this is fundamentally no different than sitting down and talking to your children about sex in general. If you did this when they were younger, you might have worried - what if they ask questions about YOUR sex life that you don't feel comfortable sharing? Well, the same thing applies here. You set up a boundary and say, "What goes on between me and your father is private, we're both happy together, supportive of each other, and that's what matters."

I can assure you that your children are not going to hound you about your sex life. If anything, they're likely going to want to run in the opposite direction, and they'd probably be the ones to put the breaks on that conversation if it started heading down that road.

 

Gah. I was writing my post when you responded last, my apologies. Let me address some of that as well.

I'm very sorry that your husband cheated on you, and hope things have been worked out between you both. However, these issues aren't related at all. It's possible that your children may ask about the "rough patch" and wonder if his being bisexual was the reason for it, to which you can respond with the honest answer: No, it was something else. If they want more details, you can tell them it was something personal between you both, and you'd like to keep it that way.

I agree with you entirely about keeping secrets. Your children shouldn't be required to keep his secret. That's not a burden they should have to carry for themselves, and you're absolutely right that it sends the wrong message. If your husband wants to come out, he's going to have to accept the possibility - and this is true for anyone who is coming out - that some of the people they tell might tell others.

However, the same argument you make here is true for him. Keeping it a secret DOES send the wrong message. It sends the message that it is something to be ashamed about - something that should be hidden. That's probably why your husband wants to tell them, because he doesn't want to feel like a part of himself is taboo or shameful within his own family.

 

I think one of the big differences is that he lives with his kids. He doesn't live with his parents, and if he did chances are he might feel similarly as he does now in that regard as well. Speaking from personal experience, I know not having completely supportive parents has damaged my relationship with them. If I had children, I'd be worried that not being completely honest could damage my relationship with them as well.

...and by damage, I mean you're hiding part of yourself. You're keeping a secret, and when you keep a secret like this it impacts all of your relationships with other people.

The issue of his parents finding out is a legitimate one. Once he tells his children there is a possibility that they could say something. I'm not sure why they would, but that's a possibility he should be willing to accept.

Your children might ask if their grandparents know that he's bisexual, to which he should respond honestly: No, they don't know. I've never told them, and I think that if they knew they'd take it rather badly.

Which is, as far as you both know, the truth of the matter. From that point forward, your children should understand the implications of telling their grandparents would mean potentially causing a rift between your husband and his parents. The only reason I could see for your children telling his parents is for malicious reasons - in other words, to directly hurt their father.

However, I would like to think that him telling the children is a first step toward being more open and honest all together, and hopefully also telling his parents in the future. That is also an important step.

 

Hi,

What about the CHILDREN! Forget mom, forget dad what about the children's well being.

As a gay man I DON'T want my kids living in denial for years terrified there orientation would disenfranchise them from my love and support as a dad!

I cannot say what my child's sexuality will be. Will my DNA weight the scales toward their being gay?

Can't do it. I have to tell them. It is not about me or mom anymore. They can reject me but I have to ensure they accept themselves and if gay not repeat my mistakes.

Guess what... All our parents are sexual beings and had sex with their partner. Trying to pretend we are not sexual beings to our child is utopian denial.

 

You're welcome. I'm glad to help. (*hug*)

It's good to know that you've come out stronger. A breach of trust is a serious thing.

I can't speculate on how he feels or what he wants with another man. However, these are certainly conversations that you should be having with him before he tells your children to assess where you both stand.

From my perspective (if I'm putting myself in his shoes - and keep in mind, I don't know him - so I'm making several huge and giant leaps), it's just a matter of being honest. Depending on what type of relationship your husband has with his sons, if they're say - sitting in the other room talking about an attractive woman, for example, and he sees an attractive man he may simply want the ability to point that out. "Yeah, she's hot, but I'm not sure how she managed to snag someone as hot as her husband. He's like a ten plus!" You know how guy conversations can sometimes go...

...and then there is the possibility that your oldest sons homophobia is really bothering him. A desire to come out and be open could just be a means of healing some wounds that he's suffered from some hurtful remarks delivered by his son.

There could be a whole host of things going on. However, those are only questions your husband can answer, and it's definitely a conversation you should have with him. Ideally, when he comes out you'll both be there and do it together, that way you can be there for support and show a united front.

Basically, ideally - it'll boil down to something along the lines of, "Hey, yeah - we thought you both were old enough to know this, and we want to be completely honest with you both. I'm bisexual, and before you start to worry - yes, your mother has known since before we got married, and she's been completely supportive. We're very happy together and this has no impact on our relationship whatsoever. However, we just wanted to be honest and have a larger conversation about LGBT issues."

That's how I'd frame it, if it were me personally speaking. "I'm being honest in order to have a larger conversation, and because I think being honest is important." This comes down to setting an example for your children, and sending the message that being LGBT is something that they shouldn't be ashamed of or feel like they should hide. And how they should be supportive of LGBT people, issues, etc. etc.

It can be an awkward conversation to have, certainly, but that's really only if things start moving toward the sexual realm. That's when you step up and say, "Being gay or bisexual is more than just about sex. Just like being straight, the sex aspect is just one tiny part of who you are, and it's something that influences you in other ways as well."

If done correctly where the topic is kept away from sexual acts in general (which as I said previously - your children are likely to run screaming from the room with their fingers in their ears if those come up as most children would :lol. Then I think this could be helpful to your entire family, it could be a good thing for everyone involved.

It's just a matter of setting a boundary where everyone involved feels comfortable, and understanding your husbands intentions. If your husband DOES have intention of talking about his sexual activities with his children, then that's a whole other issue all together. Because that DOES involve you, and it involves effectively outing you as well.

To him I would say that's like outing a guy he's with to his family who doesn't know he's gay. The same deal would apply in this situation. However, I can't really see why he'd want to share details like that with his children, because quite frankly - as we both know - they're not going to want to hear them. It's not an issue of gay / bi / straight it's the mental image of their dad as a sexual person.

"What, you mean... you both still have sex after we were born?! EW! Gross! Stop it! I don't want to think about this! AHHHH! Brain bleach! Get me some Brain bleach!" :lol:

Yeah, that's more or less how THAT would probably go.

Having a in depth discussion with your husband to make sure you're both on the same page about everything, and once you are I can't see a reason to not be honest. However, I'd like for him to understand that once he starts telling people he starts to lose control over who finds out. This is true in all cases when someone starts coming out.

And I'm with you on the telling them to keep it a secret issue. It's one thing to do that with friends and other adults, but when it comes to children it sends the wrong message. It sends the message that it's something to be ashamed about - something that should be hidden, and that goes against what you both no doubt want your children to learn. That being said, if his parents don't know, and if there is a real fear of your children telling them - he should bring it up that they don't know, and that they'd likely take it badly if they found out. This would be brought up not to send the message that they need to keep it a secret, but to give an honest assessment of the situation so that they don't accidentally make an assumption and say or do something unintentionally that could cause an issue.

Unfortunately, that's just the reality of being gay or bisexual sometimes. There are some people you can't tell for various reasons - example: it could cost you your job. And that in and of itself is a valuable discussion to have with your children, about WHY issues like this is important to combat situations like the above. I mean, let's face it: Your children are likely straight, which means that they're likely going to grow up and have children of their own. One of your grandchildren might turn out to be gay or bisexual.

Creating a situation and an environment where your children are taught proper values around LGBT issues, and having frank conversations over the matter is a good thing - because they're going to take those values and pass them on. Thus if they do end up with a gay or bisexual child, they know how to deal with it, and they know they can turn to you both for advice and support. They know they can do that without worrying about what either of you would think, and you both could provide them with critical insight on how to support and help your grandchild.

...and ideally, they'd pass these same values onto your grandchildren, who will in turn hopefully raise their children with similar open minded and supportive values. Eventually, somewhere in the future, one of your descendents is going to be gay or bisexual. If you pass good values like this onto your children, hopefully it will help future generations avoid some of the struggles your husband no doubt faced with his parents.

 

I think it's the sweetest thing when women are this accepting for a man's attraction for another man, it really is something special and god bless.
As far as telling your kids, yes. There is nothing wrong with eliminating unnecessary secrets between each other. As long as you believe they're old enough and/or mature enough to comprehend his coming out. You want to ensure their response is purely mature and not irrational. And yes your sons age can be a big part of why he's homophobic. I myself understand this first hand. When your in a socially demanding generation where being judgmental of anything out of the norm is 'cool'. Teens today are practically molded into thinking that being gay is wrong or not a good thing. So if he acts that way, he either genuinely does not accept homosexuality (which makes no sense because he defaultly has no reason to) or he is being influenced to think that way.
Best of luck!
If anyone does not concur than please let me know of my error

 

I think if you can't be honest with your children you would be setting a bad example. Children look to their parents as role models in life. They may react badly but kids can be very understanding and it doesn't change the fact he is still their dad. It took me 31 years to be honest about myself and now I am out to my family and friends most say why did it take so long. All I can say to that is because the homaphobic society made me that way it needs to change society needs to be more diverse and inclusive. So if we keep hiding it society will not change. I stand by a saying I always use, it is better to hurt someone with the truth rather than make them happy with a lie. I hope it helps & good luck for the future.

 

I just don't understand why you would stay with a man who regularly cheats on you?

 

Hey I am wondering if perhaps one of the reasons your Husband wants to be honest with your children is that he see some of himself in your eldest son, I don't know maybe he was slightly homophobic before he came to terms with his sexuality.

I also agree with the others that it could potentially help your eldest get over his homophobia which would be beneficial to everyone.

Maybe he doesn't want to tell his parents because he thinks they will react badly.
I don't however think it is unreasonable to say to your husband that if he tells the children then you are ok with that but that they shouldn't have to keep it a secret and explain to him that maybe he would want to think about the consequences of the children saying something in front of his parents.