I am a guy and have loved this guy for three years. he stays in a different city and this time was the first time he visited me and we were alone for over a month. during this time we got together and he accepted that he love me. we were best friends before this and he told me he had had feelings for me but wasn't sure. but this May when we were together he accepted it and we got into a relationship. we even had sex... almost everyday for 3 weeks. now he is back at his home where he is finishing his studies and we can't meet till march. His parents are very strict and don't let him use the phone or net much. and he says he doesn't loves me romantically anymore. he loves me just as a friend. i asked me what happened but he says he doesn't know and it happened 2-3 weeks after he got back. he says he is straight. i know he had those feelings for me. and i still do. what do I do to get him back? I know he still really cares about me and his parents are too strict and he can't talk much. if he is denial what do I do? if his feelings has stopped then what do I do? and he also says after he finishes his study he wants to live with me but just as friends. I want him back but more than that I want him to accept who he is. I know he is bisexual as he did love me and he also once loved this girl who passed away. and he still has feelings for her. But he no longer wants to accept it. and for the next six months I can't meet him and we can talk very little. just 15-20 mins on sms. so i can't even have a long discussion with him. Please help. aman
hi, there can be many reasons why he behaves this way. His parents found out and are monitoring his conversation. It's too painful to do a long distance relationship when you can talk just once a day. He is feeling guilty that he keeps you tied to him when he can't give you more than couple of minutes a day, and this is his way to set you free. His upbringing kicked in and he decided straight was safer. Or there can be something else.
Hi, It hurts you now but you have a glimpse of the emotional problems the gay closet holds. Stick to openly gay men who are available for dating. You will be way better off emotionally in the long run. Label him "closet case" and move on. Not being mean, he simply has emotional issues to work through and you don't need to waste YEARS of your life to see if/when he can work it out and if his feelings for you truly exist. Better odds playing Russian Roulette than establishing a long term loving bond with somebody protecting the lie of their closet. He is doing you a huge favor. Take it and RUN!
Thank you for your comments. the thing is, he is also my best friend and has been there for me through some really tough times. and if he is confused or in denial or going through some stress, I want to be there for him. But he is just not opening up so I am trying to figure out what might be the problem!
the best you can do is really to be there for him. Maybe it will be hard for him to talk about it, but he will feel a apreciate your support.
I would give up the romantic love and simply be a friend, You have already set yourself up to be hurt emotionally by connecting with somebody who cannot connect with you.
Thank you all for sharing your views. The reason i am stuck is that I have been through the exact same thing. when i first had a crush on a guy, I had already lost my virginity to a girl. and I thought since i had fun with the girl, I must be straight and this is just friendship. Also, here in india people still don't understand the difference between homosexuals and transgenders. this even happened to me... when I could no longer avoid my feelings for a guy, I started to think that maybe I am a woman from within. i had even heard rumours that if you behave like a girl your penis falls off!!! that's the extent of unawareness here. they think if you are gay, you must be girly, love to dress up in woman's clothing and put make up on. and no one talks about it. one needs time and support to figure things out. I know he cares a LOT about me. and so do I. and I feel once we start living together, I can show him that you can be a perfectly manly guy and still like guys.
Plan for failure, expect to be emotionally hurt, or even for the guy to "out" you to protect his own lie and you will be fine. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
By "plan" I mean prepare emotionally and if this person is moving in with you, you better be able to afford the home if he bolts and runs off.
I understand that he is afraid. My advice would be is to be there for him and to offer advice and just be a great friend
He is going to have to figure it out for himself. My friend that came out many years ago told me that I needed to do the same but I couldn't. 15 years later I did come out. He was right, I should have done it back then. I just wasn't ready, I couldn't do it then. It was a big mistake but one that only I had control over. You'll just have to be patient with him and give him the space that he needs. He will come around when he is ready.
