my boyfriend may be gay, help

Interesting. Well, it doesn't exactly mean he's gay.... some straight guys have realized that it kinda feels good to please themselves this way. Now, the get up is a little different, but even still.. that doesn't necessarily mean anything about his sexuality. I hate to say it, but you're really just going to have to ask him. I mean, if you had a perception of what your man should be like and this shakes that confidence in him, then you have to do what's best for you, but some guys are kinkier than others! I would say you should ask him, even though you won't get a novel of a response, probably denial.. but if you perk your ears up really well, maybe something will come out that you can bank on. It's certainly a red flag, girl. Check into it.

 

That doesn't necessarily mean he is gay. Contrary to popular belief, straight guys enjoy those kinds of things too.

As for brining it up, I can't say for sure. You know him better than we do, so you will have to make that decision

 

That is a good question. If you two are in a stable enough relationship, then maybe it would be okay for you to bring it up. But if you do, try to be sensitive and understanding about it, this could be a very personal subject for him.

 

Could be curious.
Could be bisexual.
Could be gay.

 

Well, it's important that you don't accuse him of anything. Instead, be more inquisitive about it. I would suggest something along the lines of, "So, I was on your computer the other day and I noticed that you had these videos of you dressing up and doing some different things, what's that about?" And then allow him time to explain. What you can't allow is for him to avoid it completely and blow up about it. If that happens and he refuses to address you within a 48 hour period, I would drop em. But if you come to him in a non judgmental way, such as what I suggested earlier, if he cares about you he'll care enough to make it a conversation. And then just use positive reinforcement where you see it fit. It could be a fetish for him or it could be more, but it's important to find out.

---------- Post added 29th Jul 2013 at 04:23 PM ----------

And again, I don't know how old you guys are so that could also be a key contributor. If you're college age, that's usually when guys get their second bout of curiosity post-puberty because in college no one exactly teases the gay kids anymore.. so yeah, that may mean something also. If you're an older couple, that would be a little more alarming for me personally.

 

Ah okay. Nah, I don't mean like someone's teasing him. lol. I was thinking more along the lines of people generally being ok with gay people and having gay friends. That usually happens in college. It's a lot more diverse. So that may lead to exploring curiosity in college aged guys. Happens a lot. And get the word gay out of your mouth for right now! lol. Don't call him gay, it's infuriating if he's a straight guy. Don't bombard him with anything. Just say, "I was on the computer, saw some stuff and just wondered what's up with it" Let HIM tell you what it's about and don't come to a conclusion. One of the cool things about being a gay masculine guy is that I think like a chick AND a guy at the same time.. So on one hand, I know what it COULD be like on his end because most of us fortunately had the opportunity to decide when to address our sexualities and then sometimes you get found out, so that's tough to cope with also. On the other hand, I know how you feel as a girl. I know you want to come off as supportive of him because 3 years is a long time. You want to understand him ultimately. The best way to do it is to really really try to not make it about yourself. And just act like you have no idea what the word gay is lol.

 

I would just straight up ask him, but be friendly to not make him feel uncomfortable.

 

Presumably because he enjoys it?

He probably thought you would react badly. Or it's something private that he enjoys himself, it's not as if he's been cheating.

There's absolutely no evidence he's gay. At all. Having seen the videos, I don't know if you could not say anything, but it would be premature in the extreme to believe that this is anything other than some kind of self-pleasuring activity, like masturbation but with props.

 

Same sentiments here; you found a video of him playing around. He could have made it for a number of different reasons, for a number of different people. You just have to ask him what it was for to find out. It would not be right to just end things right now just because you found out that he participates in this activity, unless it's impossible for you to accept what he does with his time. You should allow him the opportunity to talk about it.

 

It's not really well known, but there are a ton of straight guys who really like dressing up in female lingerie - especially their wives / girlfriends. It's a very common fetish. Likewise, anal play with a dildo is extremely common - even though it is usually associated with being "gay". He has all the same nerve endings and a prostate just like a gay guy has, and many women find anal play enjoyable even without having a prostate. All of these things are completely normal, and don't concern me in the least.

What does concern me is the video. It doesn't concern me that he recorded himself, what concerns me is who he might be sending that video too. That could POTENTIALLY indicate some type of cheating - not necessarily physical. Though he might just get off on the idea of being watched - exhibitionism is an extremely common fetish as well. Alternatively, he could be recording the videos for his own personal viewing, and he could be getting off watching himself dressed as a woman and pleasuring himself with a dildo.

All of those are more likely than the fact that he's gay. Is it possible he's curious? Maybe. Is it possible that he's bisexual? Maybe. Is it possible that he's gay? Well... you've had no serious inklings before this point, right?

My point is that there is more than one explanation for what he's doing, and what he's doing is not that uncommon. There are literally tons of straight guys who get off dressing up in female clothing (especially their girlfriends / wives), enjoy anal play, and like exhibitionism. And you know, at the very least, that he's into these things because you know that he's doing them.

So, I don't think you should begin the conversation around questioning his sexual orientation. That may come up in a potential conversation with him, but that's not where the conversation should start.

My advice would be to start a conversation with him about fantasies and fetishes. Ask him if he has any - don't treat the conversation like an interrogation where you want your witness to confess to something. Make it casual and lighthearted. Give him an opening to potentially bring it up. If he brings it up himself in the context of a "safe" conversation, then that's going to make it easier on both of you and help avoid shame.

If you out right confront him, then he's likely going to panic, because most likely - like most people - he's going to feel ashamed. That either means he's going to immediately go into denial, anger, shut down, or begin to cry. You want to give him an opening and a space to bring it up on his own, and if he doesn't then that's when you might have to be a bit more direct.

Basically, what I'm saying is that you need to have this conversation with him, you just need to find a way to do it in a tactful way that avoids accusation, blame, or shame. You don't want to make him feel like he's being judged.

Should you be worried about your boyfriends sexual orientation? Based on the evidence, probably not. He's probably just really kinky, and that does not have to be a negative thing at all.

 

Well, an idea here. Perhaps a crazy one. If possible you could bring up spicing up your sex life at the appropriate time and ask him if there is anything that he would like to do. I would do it very carefully, perhaps lead the conversation in the general direction of what he was doing in the video's if you feel you could do it without him figuring out that you saw the video's, and allow him to bring what you saw in he video up. This is only a goad, it will only work properly if he puts using a dildo on the table.

Just a possibly way to get it out in the open in a way that doesn't lead him to the conclusion that you saw the videos. Probably not the best way, but a way none the less.

 

Why would he make the video? There are several possible answers but the primary one is because it turns him on.

Does it make him gay? No. If the two of you are having good sex then it's more likely he's bi. My boyfriend got a bit upset when he caught me watching lesbian porn but the reality is, I like both packages. It doesn't mean I can't be monogamous.

I hate to say it but I really don't think there's any way of finding out the truth without asking him.

If he is bi, would that bother you? Could you watch gay/bi porn together maybe? I'm just wondering if you could say to him that what you found turned you on too, maybe he won't be quite as mortified.