As some here may know, my parents are not the best. Hate is a strong word, but apt for my mother at least. Trouble is, I can't bring myself to cut them out of my life, mainly for my grandma's sake and not wanting to upset the apple cart. They came over to my flat tonight, announcing it and then turning up, without my approval. They do this a lot. I went out, but came back because I felt guilty for leaving my gran alone to deal with them. I am leaving to go to university soon and due to this, my mother has decided she wants to see more of me before I go. It's utterly illogical because she never bothered from one month's beginning to the next month's end before I said I am moving away. They are both totally 100% homophobic and I don't think they would be able to even try to understand gender dysphoria. They would disown me, without a doubt. But, that is what I want. I don't want to 'use' this as a weapon, but why should I hide who I am for the sake of keeping abusive, ignorant biggots happy? It would get them out of my life quicker than anything. And I feel awful for even thinking this.
Some situations between parents and children are simply intolerable. It's a tug of war that you may lose if you stay in the arena. You don't know for sure if they would cut you out of their lives, it's only a probability. You need to weigh very, very carefully the consequences of this action, and have plans A, B and C at the ready. But you're right, why tolerate this?! You're an adult now, and adults make decisions for keeps sometimes...
One thing to keep in mind is your financial situation. Can you afford to make ends meet by yourself? Are there ways to make that easier (Ex. find a roommate)? Like greatwhale said, you have to weigh your options. Don't go off on an impulse. If you did come out, it'd be unfair of them to not let you see your grandmother. She'd likely want to see you as well, assuming she isn't prejudiced to the point of hate overriding love. If I understood that wrong, then I apologize.
greatwhale and luthan- thank you for your replies. Yes, it's only a probability but it's a highly likely one. I am sure that they only bother staying in contact with me to keep some control over me and my life. As for finances, well I'm not dependent on them anyway because they withdrew funding from me years ago. In fact, for 5 years after I moved in with my gran, they continued to claim child benefit and tax credits and kept it, even though I was not living with them. So I've had to make do for a while now. It will actually get easier in the autumn as long as I am granted the 'independent student status' I've applied for to fund me through university. I'm going to be living in uni halls from September. The only reason I've not come out is fear. I'm so scared of what will happen. They're not nice people at all. When they came over last night and I bottled staying away and ended up having to be in their company for a while; they triggered a majorly bad PTSD episode in me- flashbacks, the lot. That's probably too much information. But when I'm feeling brave, I think 'sod them, I'll be who I am and they ain't going to stop me.' Then when I'm feeling low and vulnerable, I get scared of being abused again, and I get scared of the memories and I don't know if I could handle the mental fall-out. Basically, I have no reason not to come out and allow them to disown me/or me cut them out of my life. Yet I'm terrified of doing so.
I so know that feeling. I'm reminded of a powerful elephant who's been chained to a post all his life. After a while the chain can be removed and the elephant won't budge, it becomes ingrained. I often wonder how I would have been with my abusive stepfather if he hadn't died in a car accident when I was 12. I had fantasies of bashing his skull in when I was older and eventually much bigger than he ever was. But sometimes I wonder if I would have still cowered in his presence, no matter how big I was... You need to escape from that world, it's easy to see only what is immediate in our lives, you need to change the context, and, unfortunately, be rid of their influence...it will take a lot of time away for that to happen.
The elephant analogy is a good one. That's pretty much spot on. I do still cower in the corner in their presence, despite being an 'adult' now, I don't feel like one when I'm around them. I'm sorry to hear about your abusive stepfather. I hope this doesn't offend, but I'm glad that he was taken out of your life permanently and you no longer had to suffer. (*hug*)
I can't really say much but I understand these feelings as I've had them before. I just wanted to let you know there is nothing wrong with that.
There's a great book by Susan Jeffers called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways". It's important to remember that fear is important. Fear keeps us from falling off a cliff or running into a burning building. It has a function in our life and that is to warn us of upcoming danger. However, we cannot allow fear to disable us. We need to learn to use our fear as a warning sign and not as a stop sign. And sometimes, we need to learn to run towards the thing that we're fearing the most. Generally, this is when we are being paralyzed by fear. It's not an easy thing, but when you begin to face your fears and walk through them, life eventually gets easier. Until you develop new fears.... Lol ---------- Post added 31st Jul 2013 at 12:19 PM ---------- Btw, I also have PTSD, and I found that working with a trauma specialist who uses EMDR has helped me immensely.
My theory is always "family is as family does". If your parents haven't been "parental", you shouldn't have any compunction about not playing nice around them. If you want to duck their visits, feel free. And feel free to tell your gran to tell them "She had to go out, and I don't know when she'll be back". Should you come out to them just to get them off your back? It seems like a large step. You certainly can, but it seems smarter to simply increase the distance between you by going on and living life on your terms. Lex
Thanks everyone for the kind replies. I love this forum! (&&&) Bear; I've heard lots about EMDR, some good, some frankly scary. Trouble is that I can't afford an EMDR therapist at the moment and it isn't covered on the NHS. But I will keep looking into it. I think you have a good point about doing what frightens us; I know a lot of the fears are hangovers from being a child and they can't hurt me in the same way now. Doesn't make it any easier! Lex; thanks. I have been battling with the guilt of being out when they arrived all week, but your post has helped me get a grip and put it into perspective. I shall keep as much distance as possible and come out once I get to uni. No way they can hurt me then and hey, I might not get pestered forevermore then!
