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Deep, dark demons

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GlindaRose, May 9, 2008.

  1. GlindaRose

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    On the outside, I always manage to appear pretty confident. I have the sort of 'happy-with-who-I-am' attitude, I don't have weight issues, appearance issues, or anything. I've always believed that 'People should accept me for who I am, and if they don't, screw them'.

    However, deep down, I always seem to have this notion that people are judging me. I could be in a conversation with someone and will be thinking 'What are they thinking about what I'm saying? Do they agree? Do they think I'm weird? Do they think I'm being really stupid or something?'

    I hate getting into groups because I always feel like 'the spare part', aka someone the group would manage perfectly well without. I tend to start thinking 'they don't really need me, they're just being polite - there are so many people they could choose over me'.

    At my school, I'm no one's best friend. The people there always have a 'better' friend. I shouldn't mind because it ought to be up to me to decide who my best friends are, but I always feel like people look at me go 'She's the complete loner'. I know this isn't the case (and actually it has been a little less so this term for some reason - I thank my dorm mate for that :slight_smile:) but I always see people walking around in groups, whereas a lot of the time I'm walking around on my own.

    Also (this might sound really silly) but on facebook, in the 'compare people' thing, other people are always chosen over me for 'most wanted to hang out with'. Sounds silly because, come on, it's facebook, but I can't help it...

    It's made me feel that I'm partly glad to be leaving my school because I can start afresh - but by nature I'm an introverted person and I don't easily reach out to people; I generally let them approach me. I'm kinda nervous because I don't want the same thing to happen to me at my next school.

    So...the actual question: What can I do to stop myself constantly feeling like the entire world is judging me?
     
  2. davo-man

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    I don't have much advice to give sorry, (because it's late at night and I'm nearly asleep) but I promise I'll come back here tomoro and write a proper response...I just wanted to give you a big hug and say that I've always found you interesting, and never found you to be a "spare part" (although for some reason, probably because i'm so tired, I read that as "spare ankle"...I as like "wow, being a spare ankle must suck" hehe). Hope you feel better, and feel free to PM me because I've felt a lot of those emotions before, esp the part about feeling like you're no-one's best friend.
     
  3. Jim1454

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    That's a big question... and I have a short answer:

    Just keep reminding yourself that they aren't!

    You're VERY intelligent, VERY attractive, and VERY insightful. Your brain is probably making you aware of way more stuff than it needs to! People aren't judging you. In fact, I bet most people are probably doing a 'Homer Simpson' - in their heads they're probably just saying "Mmmmm - donuts!" :grin:

    As you get older you have more control over the kinds of people you hang out with. Either because of the major you choose for university, or the kind of work you do, or the friends that really do become your best friends and stick with you for the long haul. Those people will likely have more in common with you than the people you are with today. That was certainly the case for me.

    I think I spent much of my youth feeling that way too. And I think a lot had to do with the fact that I was gay, and didn't know it, but did know that I was somehow different and didn't fit in. The more 'out' you are, or the more friends you have that can relate to you by knowing ALL about you, the less you'll feel like one of those spare parts.

    Because it is kind of a lonely existance. I know. (*hug*)
     
  4. GlindaRose

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    OMG I just have to say thanks to both of you who posted because I found both of those posts absolutely hilarious...they made me laugh sooo hard!!! Especially the 'spare ankle' thing LOL!!

    And: I wish I *could* be more out but I'm too much of a wuss...that said there is someone at Wells who already knows (The one I met on an anon website by an absolute miracle, but a.) we've never met face to face and b.) She's gay too!! Yay!!
     
  5. halfy

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    hi. i know what you mean by being paranoid about what people think of you. most of my ex workmates were two faced backstabbers so it made me feel really paranoid like 'are they really my friend or do they hang around with me just so they can laugh at me behind my back?' although i do have a few friends that i know are my true friends and accept me for who i am.

    you must have a few friends that are always there for you. also, try not to worry about what they are thinking, if they don't like you or they don't respect them then screw them. you know you're a good person and as long as you're happy and confident with who you are then that's all that matters. you will meet people who just accept you no matter what (if you haven't met them already).

    a good way to judge if a friend is true is 1. they are genuinely happy to see you. 2. they are aware of your small flaws (everybody has them) and accept them as part of you. i annoy the crap out of my friends but i know they love me depsite this. :slight_smile:
     
  6. NoLeafClover

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    I tried to type an intelligent response, but I think I'll take the simple route. If that doesn't work, I'll give it another try...lol

    First of all...(*hug*) Secondly....(*hug*) ....:grin:

    If you always manage to appear confident, and confident is something you want to truly feel, then I believe you will find that confidence. I'm only a mere 5 years older than you, but I can honestly say that I've been there, and it is something you can grow out of. The more things you do, the more people you meet, jobs you have, and overall the more you just live...you will find that the only opinion of you that matters on a personal level is yours.

    I still feel like people judge me, but since I know who I am, what I'm made of, and what I can endure, I have every reason to believe that all of that makes me a f***ing awesome person. If someone else who doesn't know the first thing about me wants to think less of me, it's their issue and their loss.

    I think you're blessed with great intelligence and intuition to be able to take a step outside yourself and see both your flaws and strengths, and I think because of that you will always be able to grow and obtain those qualities you see yourself with. You need to always remember that you are a valid person in this world, just as much as the person next to you, and on that basis of equality, you can rest assured that everything you do and say in your life is worth it.

    I don't know if that answers your question, but...for some reason your post made me get all spirited and all of a sudden I wanted to type everything I knew about feeling "ok" and valid. Thanks, lol.
     
  7. Helen

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    Me too, Lucyface, me too. I *always* get this feeling, reading the last few posts on this thread has made me feel more optimistic. It won't matter after this year, you'll be starting afresh, in a place where you'll feel more at home with yourself, and you can leave this all behind you. You'll find a lot more people like you at your new school, seeing as it's all music music music music.

    And remember that the whole world most definitely isn't judging you :slight_smile: I still love you, and so do our mutual friends, we don't judge you and we CERTAINLY don't leave you out! I know it takes me a while to reply to your messages and things like that, and I'm sorry for that :frowning2:

    Look on the bright side, you'll be seeing MEEEEEEE in a few weeks! :grin:
     
  8. Lexington

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    I know it's easy to start thinking that you're the only one going through this stuff. That everybody else at school and home totally has their act together, and don't have any problems, and is ultra-secure in everything they do.

    Nope.

    Everybody - EVERY LAST ONE OF US - is a bundle of insecurities and issues wrapped up in human skin. We're all dealing with this, that 'n' the other as we make our way through life. And the second one problem finally is solved, here come two more to take its place.

    When you're having a group conversation, and you start thinking "What are these people thinking of me?"...everybody else is thinking that, too. The guy who just finished talking is thinking, "God, that was dumb. Why did I say that? Did they notice I lisped when I said 'science'? Did they notice I stumbled over the word 'psychology'? Did they all see me spit a little while I talked? God, they must all think I'm the world's biggest loser. They're just too polite to say anything." Meanwhile, the next person has started talking...and is thinking pretty much the same things.

    Honestly, it's amazing anybody talks at all. :slight_smile:

    It's not so much that you're incorrect on your self-evaluation. It's just that your perception of everybody else is wrong. They're all just as confused and/or lonely and/or self-conscious as you are. And if you keep that in mind, things go a lot easier. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  9. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    Lucy, it's late and I can't write a Masters degree response. All I can say is, I get that feeling too. It's evil, but you just have to remind yourself that all those people walking about together, looking so happy and popular, are secretly thinking

    "Do they like my hair today?"
    "Was that funny or dorky?"
    "Do they like each other more than me?"
    "I wish Amy laughed at my jokes."
    "Why didn't she invite me to that party?"
    etc
    etc
    etc

    Oh, and, I know I don't really know you, and it's only the internet blah blah, but you seem jolly jolly nice to me and I would love to have you as a friend if I really knew you. So don't put yourself down! (*hug*)
     
  10. biisme

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    honey, i don't have much to say to this except that (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)

    and someone stole that comment from me eralier in the thread!!!:dry:

    but, i know what u mean. my issue is the abandon-issue. where i'm afraid of people leaving me. so...i think they're judging me poorly...and THEN they'll go away.

    but, yep, try to remember that they're not judging you. and even if they are, try to remember this: so what? will u remember most of them years from now?

    and, i'm sorry about the best friend thing. :kiss:

    i'm your friend!!!!!!!!!
     
  11. MeskElil

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    heatqueen, i feel the exact same way. i don't know--i think it's just a side-effect of being an introvert :icon_wink and even though people probably don't think of you as that, it feels like it. trust me, they don't, i'm sure. because you (from what i've seen) are extremely fun to talk to and be around, and i'm sure it's just paranoia. i get that sometimes.
    i know this may sound really stupid, but do what i sometimes do: write a comment (based on something you've been worried about) over and over in a notebook. like if it feels like someone is judging your appearance (like anyone would do that--you're gorgeous! :grin: ) then write "I am beautiful/a beautiful person" fifty or so times. trust me--it's a confidence booster.
    and don't be afraid to be yourself. if you are an introvert, than be an introvert! you don't have to be outspoken to be well-liked or judged in a nice light. be yourself and know that people like you. because they do.
    and i'm not a friend ranked high on people's lists either, but here's the thing: you're on the list. there is something that people like about you. you might be really encouraging when they need it, or comforting when they're down, or whatever it may be. and you're on the list. so you're not their "best friend"--who cares? no one needs to be labeled. i have no idea who would be considered my best friend (or vice-versa)--but you know, i have about eight really good friends, and i like them.
    so keep telling yourself that you are a great person and that you have friends...
    i hope that very long post helped you (*hug*)
     
  12. Vampyrecat

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    Lucy, You're a strong, smart, beautiful, brave, independent young woman.
    I really admire you.

    I am shy like you too, and I often see people walking in groups while I'm by myself. But you know what? If people don't like you just because you're you, then they're REALLY not worthy enough to be your friend.
    People are often just as insecure and paranoid, I've found out. You know the really bitchy popular girls over there? *points to high school crowd* Those girls are the ones who can't cope unless they're mean to someone. Or you see those really LOUD and upbeat Jocks? They're just as insecure.

    My point being is that everyone is insecure, but YOU have no reason to be, because you are a beautiful strong girl who has everything going for her. And you said it yourself, you're starting afresh, so why not reach out to the girl you met online? you might find you gain a valuable friend.

    Little things say a lot about a person, so walk tall, look people in the eye and smile and you can't go wrong!

    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

    Hope this helps Lucy :slight_smile:
     
  13. GlindaRose

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    Hey everyone, thanks for the responses. :slight_smile:

    Helen...I gotta say you are one of VERY FEW PEOPLE who I know FOR SURE is not judging me so (*hug*) you're awesome and I can't wait to see you at half term. :grin: (And let me tell you I even get that feeling from a certain M who's a mutual friend of ours but then again I suppose she is a rather judgemental person).

    I guess lots of people who replied have said they'd want to be be my friend if they met me face to face. So (*hug*) to all of you too even though I know I act so differently on a computer than I do in real life...

    Also there must be a bright side because yesterday we had a leaver's meal (it was my year in my boarding house) and after that we started up this entertainment thingy. There was a piano in the room and I played something for them and they all said they really liked it. And I also sung something to a Celine Dion backing track ('Immortality') - where of course 'the world is judging me' feeling came up again because there's serious competition in the singing department; one girl was singing and playing the guitar and she was *incredible* so I kinda felt a bit second-best there, but apparently it was good so that's ok.. :slight_smile: It's probably the most appreciated I've ever felt at this school. :grin: