I have been watching a lot of videos on a certain internet video website that You would says looks like a Tube (lol!!). I have noticed that a lot of the people in their coming out stories have stated that the person they are coming out to says: "Yea, I have seen the signs". I don't know why, but that bugs me for some reason. Maybe I am being sensitive to the issue, but this is a serious life choice to make this announcement, and I know, like everyone else, we all have struggled to find the right time to be in a proper mental state to first admit to ourselves that we are gay, let alone open up to someone and share this epiphany. And then to hear that people have been talking/thinking behind your back about something that we have beyond stressed ourselves over, just rubs me the wrong way. If someone was to come to me and ask to have a serious talk (like I did with my best friend when I came out) about something that they felt was important, I would be willing to open up to them, or at least have an opening to be honest with them. I just feel like I was so stressed about this and then I have to hear how "they have known the whole time" or "they have seen the signs", it just feels like a slap in the face. I have only come out to 3 people and one of them said they could tell a long time ago. That made me feel like why have I been so stressed about this my whole life. Just curious if anyone else had this said to them or is annoyed by this?
my mother said she had always wondered and kind of knew. My friends were surprised it took me that long to figure it out. Yeah, seemed to be I was the only one in the dark
Well, I don't think it should be taken personally. I think it illustrates how much something that seems to drastic to us, might not matter as much to those around us. I think when you have been held down heavily by a secret, only to find out that it wasn't really a well kept one, it could make you feel a bit annoyed that you wasted all of this time and I feel that might be the reason why you might find it irritating, but I don't believe it should be taken to heart. I would just use it as motivation to try and prevent myself from trying to hide who I am, because that doesn't tend to last anyway. Its funny because I found out recently that I have actually been a bit of a hot topic over the years with the rest of my peers. There were debates. Some asked my friends. Though not maliciously, I believe that some were sure I was this way or that way and simply wanted to prove themselves right. I haven't had a Facebook, Twitter, etc, so there was never any official 'interested ins' that would inform my orientation to those outside of my social circle. I have always been a very open person and never cared what others thought of me, but I believe many people just thought it would have been an awkward thing to blatantly ask, so most didn't and still haven't (Though they would have to be quite dense to still be uncertain these days). Personally, I actually found it all hilarious. I can understand an annoyance if this is something that you have found peace with yourself yet, but I say; let them have their inklings. It isn't really of any harm to me if someone else is so intrigued that they want to waste their time weighing possibilities about me on scales. Coming out isn't to lift a weight off their shoulder; it is to lift one off yours. As long as you can say "hey, this is me. Its official", I wouldn't give any thought to whether you were a glass closet or complete shock.
A variation of this happened to me, where i was still struggling to accept it and nowhere near ready to tell anyone, but one of my friends guessed it and 'outted' me. At least with your example, they weren't going around asking if you're gay for gossip purposes and bashing you the whole time. It sucks to go thru that stress needlessly, but be glad that in the end they accept you.
My mom and my sister knew years before I told them. Back when I was depressed and ready to jump off a cliff, my sister and my mom could not figure out why I was so sad. Well, turns out that after a little thinking they figured out that I was sad because I was gay and not happy. And they believed that before I told them.
Strangely when I came out to my parents they hadn't suspected it before, I was almost certain that they must have thought it at some point because I never brought a girlfriend home. The other person I have come out to guessed I was gay though, mostly because I was very drunk and heavily hinting towards it so I wouldn't have to say it myself! But I can see how it cold be annoying to finally reveal this big secret about yourself only to find that they had suspected it all along.
I just came out a little over 3 hours ago for the first time. The response thr I got included, "I knew it!" My story is here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/103342-i-cant-believe.html
Yeah, and I can see how that would really bother you. It is not a very empathetic response to something that has obviously caused you a lot of stress and discomfort. Just realise it is not said out of judgement or negativity, and in their own way they are trying to affirm the fact that they have been ok with it for a long time.
"That's it? We already knew that." Is all my parents said to me when I told them. I was relieved. I do see where you're coming from, though. It can be rather insulting when someone says that they've seen the "signs." It gets you thinking..."well what are the signs?" It can be insulting, but just be who you are and don't worry about it.
lets put it in a different context. Let say you are a student and you just graduated high school. You did well in all subjects. Math, Eng, Sci, Social Studies. When you get to college (4 year university) u major in electrical enginerring. Your family and friends would say. I knew you would major in that. You may not be able to see the signs but those closest to you can possibly see it.
No points for hindsight! Lots of things are 'obvious' to people in hindsight and people like to think that they can tell what people are inside. Whenever people seem a little too inquisitive, especially when it related to this sort of stuff, I kind of laugh at them and say something like, "Oh, if only it *were* that!" And never ever hint at what else it might be. If people want to pry into my life and gossip about me, I might as well give them something to gossip about. I know that my mother's friends and family have gossiped about me, which explains why she's so defensive about any notion that her son might 'be like that'. Of course, that makes things difficult for me.
I haven't experienced this but I have always thought of it happening. I always think of what could happen when I come out.
there was one person that i was trying to tell after she asked why i broke up with my girlfriend, and i couldn't say it at that time, but later i told her and all i got was an "i know" and mentally i was like "ok, you know yet you still were wondering why we broke up?" she said it was obvious to her (also gay) from the way i acted around girls. the part that kind of pissed me off is that she was always trying to push the two of us together.
I would be pissed if my friends said "We already knew" when and if I tell them. They should be smart enough to fucking ask me in a completely open way if they are thinking this. Also to let someone you know continue to suffer in silence is ridiculous. If I thought anything was bothering ANYONE around me, I would ask what was wrong in a supportive way. You cannot expect to get this in return, but to the OP, it totally irks me to think that people "knew" but did nothing about it. It doesn't matter if they were respecting your space, if they are intelligent to realize you may be gay, they should be intelligent enough to let you know they are o.k with it. My friends use the word gay, fagget, homo all the time to describe things, and I don't think I could forgive them if they told me they "knew" but continued to use this hateful language around me. This is something I literally just read reading this post. I have always thought my friends sort of knew, yet they use homophobic language around me. So now I have to ask myself if they are even friends, or total scabs. I fucking hate hearing my brother and sister say "thats gay" when they know I am gay. They don't even correct themselves when they say it, even my mom has used the expression. I never realized till now, but this could be the reason why I am so distant from them. They continue to isolate me regardless of knowing my situation that is total bullshit. Sorry to turn your thread into my thread O.P , but your message really just hit home with me and made me realize a bunch of shit I never thought about.
If my brother says he "already knew" when I finally get around to telling him, I will be MAJORLY pissed at him. I have put a lot of the past behind me, but he spent a lot of time years ago suggesting that I WAS gay and then using it as a weapon because I was clearly over-sensitive about it. I even told him at one point that several people on my floor in the dorms had decided that my roommate and I were a couple, and were making our lives miserable with snide comments and general harassment. He listened attentively, then a couple of weeks later told me with great satisfaction about how he and several buddies had basically bullied a couple of gay guys out of his dorm. I was furious--I had just told him how I, a presumably straight guy, had been bullied for being allegedly gay, and then he bragged about doing the same thing! So, when I finally tell him, I plan on watching his face very closely. And if he says he "already knew", he had better have come to that conclusion long after that incident. I should add that I have some pretty strong suspicions about one of his sons, and I hope for both of their sakes that his mind has opened up some in the past 25-30 years.
One of my friends screwed up all his courage to tell his elderly grandmother, and her response was "Oh, Jesus Christ, Joel, I've known for *years.* Often those of us who are convinced that no one knows are just kidding themselves. People who aren't oblivious will pick up on subtlety and there are things you just can't avoid/hide/control. Many of my friends suspected somewhat, so it wasn't a huge deal when I came out to them. And really, they're trying to be kind when they wait for you to tell them, so it really isn't fair to be mad at them... though I do fully understand the sentiment.